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How do I live my life as a masochist?

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How do I live my life as a masochist?

Postby ontarioundergrad » Fri Oct 30, 2015 7:04 am

I will be as brief as possible; i really need advice from a happy masochist or a psychologist.

Ever since I hit puberty I have been aroused by being dominated. It started off watching videos of girls wrestling guys, progressed to facesetting, then to slavery, ballbusting and total humiliation. I had hook ups with girls my age but never was interested in sex because the idea of penetration just never turned me on. The first time I had sex at 16 I didn't even achieve full erection (I get rock hard fantasizing about BDSM though). I then had a long term girlfriend whom I introduced to BDSM, she practiced some aspects of it with me, but I never felt confident enough to reveal the true extent of my desire. It wasn't as satisfying for me as I wanted it to be and my desire for more dark, twisted fantasies ruined the relationship. I read a lot online about porn induced erectile dysfunction so I thought maybe if i stopped watching internet porn I might start to enjoy regular sex like everyone else. It has currently been about 45 days of no masturbating. The only time I ejaculated was once from a partner who gave me a hand job and I was kind of thinking about BDSM while she did it. At this point I am feeling really discouraged because its taken a lot of effort to go 45 days, and still all I can think of is getting kicked in the balls and humiliated. This really does bring me a lot of shame, and what's worse is I don't think any women are into what I am into. I don't want to try and find a sadistic women because I have been on fetish dating sites and there is basically 500 horny masochistic men for every one dominant female. Its really discouraging and it has ruined my sex life. I occasionally will hook up with a female but I have no desire for sexual penetration so its really sad. At the point I just don't know what I should do sexually. The long term girlfriend I used to have is interested in getting back with me, but I don't know what to do. She claimed my desire for more and more kinkiness made her feel like I didn't enjoy what she was doing and made her insecure. I totally understand where she is coming from. Am i supposed to sacrifice these desires and settle for mild BDSM? Will they go away if I stick with the no porn and masturbation? Can I ever enjoy regular sex? i figured out my masochism stems from the fact that I had a nasty older sister when I was younger, and I recall images of my mom humiliating me when I did bad things (she made me kiss my sister foot when I stepped on it as a child- i didn't go through with kissing it but its disturbing thinking back to it). I just don't know what to do at this point, i'm lost. I'm 21 by the way.
Thank you for reading this.
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Re: How do I live my life as a masochist?

Postby ontarioundergrad » Sat Oct 31, 2015 7:26 am

Note- I realize my question is not fully clear, let me put it into one coherent thought. Given that I am very much into BDSM and enjoy the idea of all aspects of BDSM all the way up to a 24/7 dynamic, how should i go about bringing fulfillment to my life? Should I continue not masturbating or watching porn and then eventually try and have a normal sexual relationship or should I attempt to enter the S&M world? If so what is the best way to do so? Lastly what advice does someone who's been in my position have for me given how things have gone in your own life?
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Re: How do I live my life as a masochist?

Postby MJH2013 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:24 pm

Hello ontarioundergrad, while I'm not a masochist (I'm a sadist actually, though I am in a relationship with a very happy little submissive masochist :P ) and I'm not a psychologist either I do hope to be of at least a little bit of assistance in helping you solve your problem here.

To begin with, the questions you ask in your first post and the "Tl;dr" rephrasing of said questions in your second post are actually quite different and your second post actually adds a lot of perspective onto your first. In your first post, it seems like you are asking whether or not you should pursue your masochism to its fullest potential or if you should compromise for the sake of your own feelings (as you state that you feel shame because of masochism) and because of a potential "compromise" in terms of your previous girlfriend. However, your rephrased question talks more about bringing fulfillment to your life as opposed to solely to your sexual experiences. This leads me to believe that your masochism and possible submissive nature are highly important to your identity and desires- perhaps even more important than you'd like to admit. Based on this understanding, I would advise that you not attempt to ignore your desires and believe that there are two options open to you: 1. Be honest with your former-girlfriend about the extent of your desires, or 2. Tell your former girlfriend that you are not sexually compatible (and apologize if you believe that is necessary) and look for someone else.

You state that part of the reason why your relationship with your girlfriend ended was because, "[your] desire for more and more kinkiness made her feel like [you] didn't enjoy what she was doing and made her insecure" and I can completely understand that perspective. If you feel like you are jumping through hoops for your partner (as she may have felt like because she didn't understand that extent of your desires) and they keep constantly asking for more and being unsatisfied (or appearing as such do to the fact they are asking for more) with what you are doing for them, that can lead to feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough, and I can see how that would lead to some insecurity. However, you also state that, "[you] never felt confident enough to reveal the true extent of [your] desires [to her]" and that is actually the most important thing you can do in any relationship- especially a kinky or BDSM one. Honesty is the cornerstone to good relationships. If you can't be honest with your partner, the person you are supposed to love the most and the one who is supposed to understand you the best, then who can you be honest with? Beyond this truism, BDSM relationships are based around the idea of mutual desire fulfillment- and for that to be possible both sides must understand exactly what the other wants from the relationship in question. While I "started off slow" with my submissive, she always knew exactly what the end-goal of the realtionship was and was informed and consulted when it changed. My relationship did not begin with the goal of 24/7, but once I decided that was what I wanted I told my submissive immediately and allowed her the right to decide to continue in a relationship with me, or to leave and find someone else more in tune with her own desires. You never gave your former-girlfriend this right. You were never honest with her, and thus do not know her feelings about the true extent of your desires. If you are honest with her then one of three things will happen: 1. She will accept your desires and decide that she wants to practice them with you which will hopefully fulfill your masochistic desires (as you'll be getting exactly what you are fantasizing about) 2. She will accept your desires but want to compromise on certain ones, perhaps thinking they are too extreme or not enjoying the idea of them, which means you can either accept the compromise or reject it and consequently her as well or 3. She will reject your desires and determine not to have a relationship with you. Regardless of what happens when you are honest, it will either keep your current situation (ie no girlfriend, no masochistic fulfillment, etc.) constant or improve it-- the worst she can say is no and that's really not that bad. So really, I don't think you have anything to lose in being honest with your former-girlfriend, and you may even be able to provide some closure to your previous relationship with her.

Should you decide that you don't want to be honest with your former-girlfriend and/or she rejects you, then you should most likely look elsewhere for fulfillment. And that's where I really cannot help you all that much. I basically "stumbled" across my submissive in an incredibly unlikely scenario, and my results are obviously not generalizeable. Additionally, while I usually recommend finding someone you are attracted to normally and then bringing BDSM into the relationship, you seem to both know exactly what you want and have desires that lie on the harsher side of BDSM to the point that it might be unlikely for most girls to want to experiment to that degree (though I could be wrong on that because I am not female myself nor do I know most girls). As such, I do think that looking for someone you are compatible with BDSM-wise is the most important thing for you to look for. Despite the fact that you have a negative opinion of them, I would recommend those "fetish dating sites" as they are probably the best way to reach out to someone who is a bit more extreme in their desires. As for the 500 masochists to one sadist issue, while I do believe you are highly over-exaggerating here (and statistics seem to support my perspective), perhaps you could attempt to differentiate yourself from these other 499 masochistic men by playing to your strengths? Quite a few submissives just assume they basically have to become a sycophant in order to attract a Dominant's attention, and in reality nothing could be further than the truth. Highlight what makes you unique, don't call everyone "Mistress" just because they happen to be a dominant female, put your best foot forward, etc. Basically, follow standard online-dating tips (which you can get from a variety of sites and I must say I am not too familiar with). Yes it could be a challenge, but you'd be surprised just how much a little customization separates you from the crowd. Beyond that, I'm not going to be too helpful. Perhaps someone else will have more advise on this topic. Sorry.

Finally, in terms of your shame of not being aroused by sex and masturbatory tendencies (or lack thereof), I think you are putting way too much weight on both of these issues. Is it necessarily normal to not be aroused by standard, vanilla, PIV (penis in vagina) sex? No, but human sexuality is not something that is predicated around what is "normal". If you browse this forum or other forums on sexuality, you will find that many people do many things differently and have many different opinions on what exactly "normal" qualifies as. Honestly, I think part of your lack of arousal has to do with the fact that more extreme BDSM has become such a pressing thought and such a desire that it has basically become an "itch" that you need to "scratch"- similar to the idea of a midlife crisis or a bisexual individual suddenly wanting to sleep with the opposite sex because he or she has never done it before. I think that once you get this out of your system, it will be easier for you to become aroused by more things. I also think that should you participate in extreme BDSM, you will become more aroused than you previously have been save for your masturbation. So, I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel on your ability to become aroused without masturbating yet. Additionally in terms of your desire to stop your attraction to stopping masturbation, you're half-right and halfway there. Yes, frequent masturbation can lead to a correlation between the activity being masturbated to and arousal and pleasure, but simply not masturbating is not enough to stop such correlations. You need to quit cold turkey, and that means you also need to quit thinking about extreme BDSM or thinking about masturbating to extreme BDSM, or even masturbating in general (as that will likely bring up thoughts of extreme BDSM). Your thoughts are just as important as your actions here, and while you've controlled your actions fairly well you've continued to allow your mind to roam free. If you really want to stop being aroused by extreme BDSM to the degree you are now, you can't allow your mind to fixate on it or even to take solace in a single thought of it. You must purge it from your mind as completely as you can. And please keep in mind that this practice will not make it so that you are not aroused by extreme BDSM. You will always be aroused by thoughts of submission to females. This practice will just make it less of an obsession/ fixation. So honestly, I wouldn't recommend it to you. But, if you feel as though you have to feel free.

Best of luck and best wishes with figuring everything out and fulfilling your masochistic desires,

-MJH
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