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Is this a healthy relationship?

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Is this a healthy relationship?

Postby anyacael » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:03 pm

I met my dom around ten months ago and we hit it off when we first met after two months he even said that he felt a connection towards me unlike past relationships but he did state clearly that our relationship was purely just dom/sub.

I accepted that, but it's just lately I felt like emotionally we've gone backwards and I feel confused and lonely sometimes. I don't know why but a month ago he stopped cuddling me, messaged me less often regularly, and usually he's ask me how my day is and such, but now it just feels like it's all one sided. So I talked to him yesterday that I felt we were becoming distant lately and if he felt the same, but he said he still felt the same, maybe just busy. Sexually, everything's going well but.

I need help please ! I don't know if I should talk it out with my dom again or ...
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Re: Is this a healthy relationship?

Postby MJH2013 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:21 pm

Hello anyacel, I am sorry that you are having doubts about your relationship with your Dominant and I hope that my advice will be of some use to you in resolving this situation.

Your situation could be explained by a variety of different factors. Your Dominant could just be done with the relationship and be pulling away from you because he has ceased to want to be your Dominant in the same context he used to be. This seems to be the result you are most afraid of, but also the result that is least likely based on what you have said. Seeing as the sexual side of your relationship (ie when you actually see one-another and your sessions together) is, "going well" I really don't think that your Dominant is pulling away from you in this manner. Generally, when people pull away from a relationship the first thing to suffer is the sexual side. So, while this still could be the case I do not think it is necessarily very likely based on your particular situation.

Your situation could also be accurately explained by your Dominant's statement that he has been "busy" even though he "still felt the same". You state that your relationship with your Dominant is, "purely just dom/sub" which means that he is looking less for a romantic partner and more for a play partner-- there's nothing wrong with that, as long as he was honest with you, it just is most likely the case here. Thus, if you occupy a lower priority in his life than his business affairs, his personal issues, etc. or whatever else is making him busy, it is understandable that he would cut back communication with you in order to spend more time on these issues. He likely feels that these issues deserve more of his time than his relationship with you and thus the issue is less that he does not want to talk with you, ask you how your day was going, and provide emotional support and more that he does not have the time to do this with his current schedule. This is a more likely explanation for your Dominant's behavior. However, this is not the full reason why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

I believe that the reason you feel lonely and confused is because you have a greater depth of feeling for your Dominant than he has for you. You value your Dominant's messages, his questions, and his attentions significantly more than he values his interactions with you. That is why you are upset that his interactions with you have ceased while he seems to be significantly more okay with it. He occupies a higher priority for you than you do for him. In more colloquial terms, you have "caught feelings" for you Dominant, and desire more of an investment from him in order to keep you happy. You are upset that the emotional aspect of your relationship is going backwards because that is likely the part of your relationship that you most want to progress. In fact, stating that the emotional aspect of your relationship is moving backwards by itself demonstrates an implicit desire to move it forwards. Even if your Dominant was to do the same things that he used to, it likely would still not be enough to satisfy you as that would make the emotional aspect of your relationship stagnant as opposed to moving forward. In fact, a purely dom/sub relationship without romantic engagement would likely have much less of an emotional component than you seem to desire. A purely dom/sub relationship is generally platonic outside of the BDSM component-- at most the two participants are friends outside the relationship. And you seem to desire that your Dominant check in with you every day, that he communicate with you frequently, and that he provide emotional support when you want it as opposed to when you see him or really need it. In short, you seem to desire your Dominant act more like a romantic partner than he is currently comfortable being. Again, there's nothing wrong with this, but you do need to understand your own desires here.

As for how to go about resolving this, I really don't see any other option than talking to your Dominant again. However, you might better be served by being significantly more direct with him than your post implies. Instead of asking him how he remembers things and if he believes things have changed, you should tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel lonely and that you want more interaction with him. If you agree with my summation that you want more of a romantic relationship (or at least a relationship more structured like a romantic relationship than a platonic one) tell him that as well. Explain that you understand he's busy but you value his attention and that the reason why you are upset is that he's stopped giving you that attention for whatever reason. Tell him all about your feelings on this issue, and then and only then should you ask questions. You need to be a good speaker before you area good listener-- to let him know your thoughts and your grievances before asking for his opinions. Otherwise, your Dominant will be unaware of the situation at hand and unable to assist you in resolving it. I know it's hard to tell someone all these personal things, but if you never tell your Dominant then he will never know and he'll never be able to help you properly. But if you do tell him then you will hopefully be able to resolve these issues or at the very least have a frank discussion on them that transcends the banalities of "he's just busier".

Best of luck and best wishes with talking to your Dominant and the resolution of this scenario,

-MJH
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