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Sub's emotional attachment to a Domme

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Sub's emotional attachment to a Domme

Postby Masokinky » Thu Oct 01, 2015 11:20 am

I want to apologise in advance for the long essay:

I have been in the BDSM-community for a few years now, always as a sub. On the side, I started training myself as a Domme by attending various workshops, getting mentored, etc. When I finally started feeling confident enough, I started Switching. A few months ago, I finally got myself a submissive.

I am a lesbian, but I have always just played with men. I have only had male Doms and even my sub is a male. This is mainly because I don't consider BDSM to be a sexual practice. I have had sexual encounters during BDSM, but those were few and far between. Because of this reason, I have found myself a Dom that is also a gay male. He also doesn't want any sex from a play, so it's a match made in heaven. I guess it's a pretty unconventional arrangement, but it works for us.

My problem is with my sub. He is a straight male. Even from before we were playing together, I made my sexual preferences clear to him (I knew him quite a few months before we decided to play together). From the start I told him why my Dom and I were together, what I was looking for in a playmate, etc. However, this "arrangement" (for lack of a better word) has evolved into something I'm not comfortable with. Each day I just get the idea that he is moving way past the idea of a "platonic" arrangement. A few days ago he told me that he loved me. Every single day he sends me essays filled with words of lust and love. He wants to chat to me 24/7 and gets terribly depressed if he can't. He wants to talk to me over the phone every single day. I am starting to feel a bit trapped.

I am a very low-maintenance sub. If you are my Dom, I will play with you wholeheartedly. When the occasion arises, I will offer full submission. But the rest of the time I keep to myself, unless you demand attention. I think this is why this overly attached relationship is so hard for me to understand.

My question is actually twofold: Firstly, is this normal? How much time is a Domme expected to spend with a sub? Am I supposed to just go with it? I am terrified of being labeled a horrible Domme, just because I'm not always there for my sub. Or, worse, having my sub feel unwanted because they feel neglected. Because I truly care for my sub and I would hate if he ever felt like that. Secondly, how do I handle this?

Sorry... I'm pretty new at this and I just want to make sure I'm not handling things wrong.
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Re: Sub's emotional attachment to a Domme

Postby keeponriding » Thu Oct 01, 2015 1:15 pm

I don't think there is anything that could be considered normal in terms of how much time doms and subs should spend together or how much of an attachment there should be. I mean it all comes down to what sort of relationship you have with each other when setting the D/S dynamics aside.

I have had a sub where there was no emotional attachment between us other than being distant friends. We would talk or hang out occassionally and after sessions I was of course available for her when she needed comforting and support. But other than that we didn't have much to do with each other. With a previous girlfriend however things were naturally different. In periods she was my 24/7 sub and considering that we were also romantically involved, we ended up spending a lot of time together and there was indeed a lot of emotional attachment.

The problem with your sub seems to be that he has developed feelings for you that you cannot reciprocate. And by the very nature of your relationship, this can be difficult to handle. If it was a co-worker you would probably just let them know you aren't interested and maintain your distance. In a friendship you might do the same thing although there is always a risk it will eventually destroy the friendship. But in this case I believe it can be difficult to carry on what you have going. If he has feelings for you then it will be very confusing and difficult for him to keep them under control when sharing such intimate moments with you.

My advice for you would be that if you value this arrangement you have and your sub in himself, then talk to him about it. Be open about how you feel. Explain that if you are to continue engaging in sessions together, it can be platonic only. Give him a chance to sort things out. If he is incapable of doing that, it is probably for the best for the both of you that you end this arrangement.
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Re: Sub's emotional attachment to a Domme

Postby MJH2013 » Thu Oct 01, 2015 4:25 pm

Hello Masokinky, I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time with your submissive. I hope that my advice and perspective will be at least somewhat helpful in leading to a resolution to this problem.

To begin with, I concur with keeponriding. There is no "normal" in terms of how a Dominant and submissive interact with each-other. It differs from person to person. For example, your current submissive sounds about as clingy as my submissive (on a bad day), but I tend to enjoy her clinginess and her devotion to me. However, what is or is not normal does not matter here. What does matter is that you have a problem with your submissive's behavior and that needs to be addressed.

I would also like to state that you did nothing "wrong" to cause this kind of a reaction in your submissive. You were honest with him, told him outright that this would not be a sexual relationship and that you were not attracted to men at all, and that you were just looking for a playmate and not necessarily a partner. Honestly, there's not much more that you could have said to him to dissuade him if this was not the sort of arrangement that he wanted-- I think you were very, very clear with your feelings toward the relationship and I respect the fact that you were completely honest with him. The fact that he is developing feelings for you is not something that you caused through a mistake, nor is it something you can control. A person cannot make someone love him or her, otherwise unrequited love would be incredibly rare if not downright impossible as opposed to the trope it has become in the dating world. Likewise, and perhaps most unfortunately, a person cannot make someone STOP loving them either. Whether or not your submissive is capable of dealing with these feelings is honestly up to him. You can provide aide and attempt to address these issues with him, but you cannot change him. Only he can do that.

It seems to me that your current problem is less one related to BDSM and more one related to casual or platonic relationships with intimate moments making a transition toward more of a romantic relationship in one of the participant's minds while the other still wants the relationship to be platonic. Your situation sounds almost analogous to the idea of "catching feelings" in a friends-with-benefits situation or even a close friendship. It is likely that you continued shared intimacy with him through BDSM is making his feelings stronger for you, or at least making his feelings more difficult to cope with in the same way that continuing to have sex with a friend-with-benefits that has fallen for you will increase said FWB's feelings, or sharing close details and relying on a close friend that has feelings for you will tend to increase those feelings.

Your submissive likely did in fact start off as wanting a more platonic sort of BDSM and probably even thought that a platonic relationship was all that he wanted. However, that turned out not be true and he began to get feelings for you. Why did this happen? While I cannot answer that, I can perhaps provide a little bit of completely-baseless speculation. Feel free to ignore as needed. Submissives in general tend to want to please their Dominants, but certain submissives may desire to be treated in certain ways. Some submissives want to be held close and treasured, to see the evidence that they are pleasing their Dominants with their actions and be praised for their successes. My submissive is like this, she is highly affectionate and enjoys the fact that I am highly affectionate in the same way. However, some submissives want basically the opposite. They want to feel like they could never really please their Dominants, to be kept at arm's length, to be humiliated for their failings. If your submissive is the latter type, the fact that you are a lesbian and thus not even open to his sexual advances let alone capable of finding him attractive (in a sexual or romantic way at least) may be humiliating to him, serve to keep him at arm's length and thus provide an even deeper level to his enjoyment of your dominance over him. Since you are basically (and unknowingly) satisfying all of his desires, and you sound like a very good, communicative, and honest Dominant it is possible that your submissive would start to develop feelings for you. However, again this is completely baseless speculation. I do not know you, nor do I know your submissive and his likes and dislikes, so please disregard as you may.

Now, on to my advice on how to resolve the situation. Like keeponriding, I think that you should talk to your submissive and let him know that his recent behavior is a problem for you. You've been very communicative with him in the past, and it's incredibly important that you continue, or even strengthen your communication now. If you don't let him know how this makes you feel, he may think that you are "flattered" by his attention or even that he is "winning you over" and continue or even intensify his actions. While the truth might hurt him and make him upset, the pain will temporary and far less than if you were to "lead him on" (in his perception) by being silent.

In regards to your concern on neglecting your sub and making him feel unwanted, as terrible as this going to sound at first some of that feeling of being unwanted may be inevitable in this situation. Your submissive wants something more than you currently giving. He wants you to love him back, to reciprocate these feelings, to allow him to profess them, to take pride in your submissive's feelings for you, and to deepen the association between the two of you from a platonic playmate to a romantic interest or partner. And that is something that you are incapable of giving to him: You are incapable of wanting him in the way that he wants to be wanted. And that's not your fault. We as humans cannot control our sexualities in regards to who (or what gender) we are attracted to. You don't like men romantically and your submissive is a man. The fact that you don't like him romantically when that is what he wants may make him feel unwanted. And that's okay. You aren't being a bad Domme here. You told him exactly what you wanted, what you were capable of feeling, and your sexuality at the beginning of this relationship. It sucks that you might hurt him with your rejection, and I recommend that you offer as much of a shoulder to cry on and support as he needs or as you comfortable providing. But, in this unfortunate circumstance, such a rejection is likely necessary.

In regards of what to do after the talk, this is a bit tricky to say the least. Depending on how deep your submissive's feelings for you actually are, and whether or not he is capable of dealing with the realities of the situation, it may unfortunately be time to end this relationship. When someone is getting over a huge crush, or trying to move past deep feelings of romantic attraction or love it is oftentimes impossible for them to do so if they remain in association with the individual they had those feelings for. Most people tend to recommend "No Contact" with the other party when dealing with heartbreak-- not even obviously platonic activities as part of the same social group if it can be avoided. Whether or not you personally view BDSM as something sexual, a BDSM session is a rather intimate moment in which two individuals show a side that they do not show in the outside world to one-another, and it is likely such intimate moments would retard your submissive's ability to move past his feelings for you if not cause them to intensify or begin anew. As difficult and pessimistic as it may be, you might have to let him go in order to allow him to heal.

Of course, this is a worst case scenario and if your submissive's feelings are more in the realm of sexual lust as opposed to actual romantic love there are a lot of other ways this could turn out. I would like to ask that if these outburstings represent a sexually frustrated side to your submissive, would you be willing to allow him masturbate during or after a scene? I know it would likely make the entire process more sexual than you'd like it to be, but that seems like a compromise you could make if in fact your submissive's behavior is due to sexual frustration. However, keep in mind that even if it is currently only sexual frustration the act of relieving said frustration could cause him to develop real feelings toward you. Should you allow him a compromise of sorts, I would recommend keeping communication between the two of you as open as possible to make sure that he hasn't progressed to the point where your continued dismissal of his advances will hurt him.

Best of luck and best wishes with resolving this difficult situation

-MJH
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