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Split feelings

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Split feelings

Postby too good a sub » Fri Sep 25, 2015 5:36 am

I have a situAtion in which I have just recently entered into where I have become quite submissive to a friend of mine who also happens to be a coworker. Now I have a girlfriend and son whom I love, however I can't stop my submissive actions when I'm around my friend. Now from the conversations that we have had over the past 4 maybe 5 months we have exstablished that we are both into bondage, that she can be either dominate or submissive based on partner, and that we both have specific animal tendencies.

This all started, well in a much more noticeable fashion, about two months ago. And I have slowly and progressively become more and more submissive around her. I have told her secrets that I haven't told anyone else except for maybe my girlfriend, I have been caught by her in self bondage on more than one occasion. She is a safety for me in some sense when I get too foolish in my self binding. I'm setting up situations where everything is in her favor without her doing anything to try and get me to do so.

It became steadily worse once she started saying how much of a good sub I was. Once that happened I rapidly have become more submissive. Lowering my head in front of her with my hands in my lap, blurting out info about myself which I really shouldn't be saying such as my weakness against certain looks she gives me. Or my weakness to being scratched behind the ear where I can't do anything because I love the feeling so much. We've even talked about the fact that if she were to try and take me as her pet she could very easily break me and have me as her own. I in fact gave her a perfect opportunity to break me by rendering myself helpless in a hogtie that I couldn't get out of without her help. All she would have needed to do was scratch me behind the ears and put a collar on me and because of my feelings towards the symbolic meaning behind a collar, I wouldn't have been able to take it off. I would have seen myself as hers.

No matter how much my brain tells me to stop my body won't. I try and fight against the urges to submit to her because I'm in a relationship which I don't want to throw away, especially because of all the work I have been putting into it with my girlfriend over the last three years. I can't necessarily avoid my friend either because of how small of a workplace we are at. The thought of being her sub isn't something I'm completely against because I can tell that she would truly care for me. I'm just so torn by my feelings towards my girlfriend who I love and my friend who has almost taken my self.
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Re: Split feelings

Postby keeponriding » Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:56 am

Excluding certain scenarios where people may feel compelled to do something they do not in fact want to, most of the time, if you find yourself pursuing something, it is indeed something that you desire. Do you see where I'm going with this? From what it sounds like you are not actually trying to resist this urge. As long as a big part of you wants this to happen, you will keep enabling it.

It's really the same thing with the ear scratching or the collaring. Obviously you do not become paralyzed just cause someone is scratching your ear. You might however enjoy it and like the idea of how the sensation could make you powerless and leave you at the mercy of your dom -> thus you feel incapable of fighting or resisting when it is being done to you. The mind is a powerful thing.

Being aware of why we are having certain thoughts can help us with dealing with them when they come. But ultimately you need to make up your mind about what is more important to you. Then and only then can you fight the desire to give in (should you choose your family over her). By the way is there any chance you could get to live out this fantasy within the relationship you are living in?
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Re: Split feelings

Postby too good a sub » Fri Sep 25, 2015 3:45 pm

Keeponriding, its true that I desire to have a Dom and to be her pet. I can't lie about the way I feel to myself. At the same time I shouldn't be just giving in to desire either, at least that is what I believe.

As for being able to have my family and be her pet, not possible. one I don't feel it is right to be with more than one person. Two my girlfriend would not like the situation and would most likely feel that she was being cheated time of me. Three my friend knows I have a family and has expressed that she didn't want to break me away from them.

I do thank you for the reply and advice.
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Re: Split feelings

Postby MJH2013 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:15 am

too good a sub, I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation to deal with and that you are struggling with what you actually want. I hope that I can provide a slightly different perspective to keeponriding here (who once again has offered some quality advice that you should certainly listen to) and that my own views will be at least slightly helpful.

To begin with, while I know it can seem like something is making you do something against your will that's actually impossible. Unless your friend has invented thought-controlling nanomachines and injected them into your bloodstream, it's impossible for her to control your desires to a degree where you are physically incapable of resisting her regardless of your desires. It is however completely possible for her to control your actions becasue that is what you desire, or to lead you to things that you otherwise would not have thought of due to your desires. A Dominant is not able to create the desire to submit in a submissive if the desire is not here in the first place. Dominants are not magicians, mad-scientists, or mind-readers- they can only work with what is already there. Therefore, you do in fact have a desire to submit to your friend and to become her pet and that desire is what is preventing you from resisting your friend. It's not her control that's making you unable to stop, but your desire for her control that is keeping you in the pseudo-relationship with her. As much as it might sting to realize, you have put yourself into this scenario too good a sub, and you do not stop because you do not want to.

So, if we look at your dilemma from this new lens we find that the conflict doesn't come from whether or not you want to submit to your friend, but how much you are willing to give up for that submission. You most certainly want to submit to your friend, you admit it yourself. What you do not want to do is lose your son, and hurt your girlfriend. But, currently you have not been put into a situation where you actually have to choose between your relationship with your family and your burgeoning relationship with your potential Mistress. You don't want to hurt anyone, and that has prevented you from doing anything. And that needs to stop too good a sub. You need to do something. You cannot continue this practice in perpetuity. It's going to end at some point, and it would go significantly better if you were to end it yourself rather than your friend finally deciding to collar you or your girlfriend finding out about your bondage-games with another woman. I know it's hard, but you have to take a stand here and choose either your girlfriend or your potential Mistress.

As for whether or not you even have a choice on your hands, of course you do. Although you state that your friend doesn't want to take you from your family, she continues to play these bondage-games with you and talk about how easy it would be for her to collar you and own you. Dominants do not tend to dominate submissives that they have no desires for (well, unattached Dominants who are not already in a relationship with a submissive anyway), nor do they tend to tease submissive individuals about the possibility of collaring them if it is not a consideration. Your friend is unwilling to collar you not because she doesn't want to, but because she wants it to be your choice (or at the very least she is willing to let it be your choice). And what have you done with this opportunity to determine your own fate? You've waffled back and forth between your girlfriend and your potential Mistress. You go and play bondage-games with your friend, or self-bind and use her as a spotter (and likely as a part of the fantasy) and then go back to your girlfriend and feel guilty about what you have previously done but not guilty enough to tell her or to stop what you are doing with your friend. I all but guarantee if you were to tell your friend that you could no longer play bondage-games with her, self-bind with her, or submit to her because you have decided that you do not want to lose your relationship with your girlfriend that she would respect it. And if she did not, well that's when you go to your office HR if she tries to dominate you at work, stop hanging out with her if the advances come during personal time, and get your girlfriend (or potentially the police) involved if she will not leave you alone.

As for what decision you should make, well that is up to you. I have no horse in this race, and no stake in this fight. I will merely provide a few questions and observation son your choice in general. It seems to me that what is making this choice so difficult is the fact that you are sharing intimate moments in a BDSM context with your friend and not your girlfriend. Would it be possible to submit to your girlfriend? Is she interested in BDSM as well? That might clear your mind a bit and allow you to more accurately gauge how much of your seeming attraction to your friend is based on attraction to the idea of submitting to a woman versus actual attraction to who she is as a person. If you do decide to stay with your family, these bondage-games need to stop. It will probably be easier for you if you look for another job, or transfer to another department, or take a different shift in your current one so that you can avoid seeing your friend while you "detox" from your feelings from her. It's significantly more difficult to forget your feelings for an individual when you are confronted with that individual for a long period of time each and every day. Also, you shouldn't hang-out with your friend until your feelings for her (or wanting to submit to her) have completely abated. And even then, it would probably be best if you were to invite your girlfriend on all your outings as well. If you decide to submit to your friend and break-up with your girlfriend, then I recommend you allow her a bit more custody than you for at least the first three months or so. BDSM relationships can be intoxicating, and it's likely that you are going to want to submit to your new Mistress as much as possible during the first part of your relationship with her-- a practice made significantly more difficult if not impossible by the presence of a child.

I also implore you to think about this carefully. It's a huge decision, and does not to be made right now. But it does need to be made too good a sub. Right now you are a passenger in your own life hoping that your friend will decide to stop playing with you, or that she will decide to collar you, or even that your girlfriend will find out and decide for you. But you don't have to be a passenger too good a sub. You are more than capable of getting into the driver's seat and moving the car yourself. It's not dangerous to do so, even though it feels like your life is moving a hundred miles an hour on the highway it's actually just sitting still in a parking lot. You need to get out of the passenger's seat and stop driving too good a sub. Otherwise, you don't get to choose where your life goes. And I don't think you want that.

Best of luck and best wishes with resolving this situation and making your decision,

-MJH
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Re: Split feelings

Postby too good a sub » Mon Sep 28, 2015 12:44 am

MJH I thank you for your response, and I very much apreciate it.

As I had admitted I do have a desire to submit, that I can't deny is there. I realize if I were to do so, things would just get harder on my mind. I also know that I submit so easily to her because of this desire and not because she is trying to make me submit. In all honesty she has done nothing to attempt to make me submit or to dominate me. Which in turn tells me how much respect she has for others which I generally see and a positive trait in people. She doesn't feel that it would be appropriate for her to try and collar me, no matter how easy or accepting I might be to the idea of it.and this is all because I'm with another.

I have started the process in my mind to truly work out my thoughts and feelings upon all of this. I know that my time with my friend if I were to submit completely would be a wonderful and amazing time, but I have over three years of experiences with my girlfriend and just over two with my son. I can't say all the experiences have been wonderful or even ok, but they're still experiences I had with my girlfriend. There is one thing I have with my friend that I don't have with my girlfriend and that is a level of compatibility that I could never imagine. This is in things outside of an intimate relationship and in one. Things such as likes dislikes and not just liking the same things or disliking the same things in many ways we are opposites to each other, however this opposition doesn't cause conflict, more so of support.

I also don't disagree with you that my friend would want to collar me and own me, but as I said earlier, she has respect for others that I appreciate. I don't think if I were to try and ends things with my friend that there would be any issues of her wanting to try and force me, but I do thank you for the concern.

Concerning your question about submitting to my girlfriend, I have tried and met a completely unresponsive reaction. She neither cares to dominate me nor tries to submit. She isn't against bondage but has no desire in it.

And to try and get everything in my mind worked out I have been trying the last couple days to consciously not submit so easily to my friend and think more about each relationship individually and not compare them against each other but take each in their entirety to know how I feel about each so I can make the decisive distinction between which way I need to go, so it isn't a vain decision like well this person makes me feel better physically.

Again MJH I apreciate the time you took to respond.
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Re: Split feelings

Postby too good a sub » Thu Oct 01, 2015 11:17 pm

Update on somethings that have occured. Since my last response I had come to the decision to break up with my girlfriend. Now this was not to be able to get together with my friend there were other reasonings for choosing to break up with my girlfriend. After doing so i have had a rough few days dealing with emotions and I have all but lost my appetite. My friend is helping me keep slightly healthy by using her knowledge of my submissiveness to her to get me to eat, albeit small amounts. I appreciate this out of her because otherwise I would have had almost nothing for the last 4 days.

Now I had come to my decision and brought it up to my girlfriend, to which she had a hard time with as well. she kept asking me to give her another chance just one more chance. i told her that I couldn't give her that chance because I couldn't see a different outcome because I couldn't see her as my Dom. Well eventually it came to how long she had to get her stuff together. I thought i would be generous in terms of time line and give her a month to get everything squared away (I do still care for her anyway).

Last night she played me like a fiddle and teased me and turned me on and I had a hard time resisting her allure. As we were making out, she grabbed my hair, and started to change my mind some, by exerting dominance over me. I was taken by surprise on this and it almost instantly put me into a submissive state. By her will alone she managed to get me into kneeling in front of her next to the bed, while she sat at the edge and held my hands down, and made me submit some to her through explaining more of what it was that i was looking for and was missing in the relationship.

I explained the view from my side as a sub and did my best to explain the side of a Dom. Well suffice to say she was pleased to hear all of this and that I would give her another chance for us to work. She went to go reward me, but I stopped her and being that I had more experience within a BDSM relationship, I explained that before she could give me what I wanted i would need to receive her punishment. I told her the reasoning for it was because of what I had done to her and denying her that chance originally. She asked for some advise of what to do so I gave her some quick advise, and she decided a whipping of with a plastic hanger. She also decided to cleave gag me. Suffice to say I wont be forgetting any time soon about why that punishment occured. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be feeling the sting tomorrow. I can't complain about it too much though because a, I told her to do so and b, it was her right to give me that punishment for the pain i caused her.

I still have split feelings but now its over whether i can see who I'm with as my Dom or if she is only trying to fit in a role that she can't fulfill completely.
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