by MJH2013 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:15 am
too good a sub, I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation to deal with and that you are struggling with what you actually want. I hope that I can provide a slightly different perspective to keeponriding here (who once again has offered some quality advice that you should certainly listen to) and that my own views will be at least slightly helpful.
To begin with, while I know it can seem like something is making you do something against your will that's actually impossible. Unless your friend has invented thought-controlling nanomachines and injected them into your bloodstream, it's impossible for her to control your desires to a degree where you are physically incapable of resisting her regardless of your desires. It is however completely possible for her to control your actions becasue that is what you desire, or to lead you to things that you otherwise would not have thought of due to your desires. A Dominant is not able to create the desire to submit in a submissive if the desire is not here in the first place. Dominants are not magicians, mad-scientists, or mind-readers- they can only work with what is already there. Therefore, you do in fact have a desire to submit to your friend and to become her pet and that desire is what is preventing you from resisting your friend. It's not her control that's making you unable to stop, but your desire for her control that is keeping you in the pseudo-relationship with her. As much as it might sting to realize, you have put yourself into this scenario too good a sub, and you do not stop because you do not want to.
So, if we look at your dilemma from this new lens we find that the conflict doesn't come from whether or not you want to submit to your friend, but how much you are willing to give up for that submission. You most certainly want to submit to your friend, you admit it yourself. What you do not want to do is lose your son, and hurt your girlfriend. But, currently you have not been put into a situation where you actually have to choose between your relationship with your family and your burgeoning relationship with your potential Mistress. You don't want to hurt anyone, and that has prevented you from doing anything. And that needs to stop too good a sub. You need to do something. You cannot continue this practice in perpetuity. It's going to end at some point, and it would go significantly better if you were to end it yourself rather than your friend finally deciding to collar you or your girlfriend finding out about your bondage-games with another woman. I know it's hard, but you have to take a stand here and choose either your girlfriend or your potential Mistress.
As for whether or not you even have a choice on your hands, of course you do. Although you state that your friend doesn't want to take you from your family, she continues to play these bondage-games with you and talk about how easy it would be for her to collar you and own you. Dominants do not tend to dominate submissives that they have no desires for (well, unattached Dominants who are not already in a relationship with a submissive anyway), nor do they tend to tease submissive individuals about the possibility of collaring them if it is not a consideration. Your friend is unwilling to collar you not because she doesn't want to, but because she wants it to be your choice (or at the very least she is willing to let it be your choice). And what have you done with this opportunity to determine your own fate? You've waffled back and forth between your girlfriend and your potential Mistress. You go and play bondage-games with your friend, or self-bind and use her as a spotter (and likely as a part of the fantasy) and then go back to your girlfriend and feel guilty about what you have previously done but not guilty enough to tell her or to stop what you are doing with your friend. I all but guarantee if you were to tell your friend that you could no longer play bondage-games with her, self-bind with her, or submit to her because you have decided that you do not want to lose your relationship with your girlfriend that she would respect it. And if she did not, well that's when you go to your office HR if she tries to dominate you at work, stop hanging out with her if the advances come during personal time, and get your girlfriend (or potentially the police) involved if she will not leave you alone.
As for what decision you should make, well that is up to you. I have no horse in this race, and no stake in this fight. I will merely provide a few questions and observation son your choice in general. It seems to me that what is making this choice so difficult is the fact that you are sharing intimate moments in a BDSM context with your friend and not your girlfriend. Would it be possible to submit to your girlfriend? Is she interested in BDSM as well? That might clear your mind a bit and allow you to more accurately gauge how much of your seeming attraction to your friend is based on attraction to the idea of submitting to a woman versus actual attraction to who she is as a person. If you do decide to stay with your family, these bondage-games need to stop. It will probably be easier for you if you look for another job, or transfer to another department, or take a different shift in your current one so that you can avoid seeing your friend while you "detox" from your feelings from her. It's significantly more difficult to forget your feelings for an individual when you are confronted with that individual for a long period of time each and every day. Also, you shouldn't hang-out with your friend until your feelings for her (or wanting to submit to her) have completely abated. And even then, it would probably be best if you were to invite your girlfriend on all your outings as well. If you decide to submit to your friend and break-up with your girlfriend, then I recommend you allow her a bit more custody than you for at least the first three months or so. BDSM relationships can be intoxicating, and it's likely that you are going to want to submit to your new Mistress as much as possible during the first part of your relationship with her-- a practice made significantly more difficult if not impossible by the presence of a child.
I also implore you to think about this carefully. It's a huge decision, and does not to be made right now. But it does need to be made too good a sub. Right now you are a passenger in your own life hoping that your friend will decide to stop playing with you, or that she will decide to collar you, or even that your girlfriend will find out and decide for you. But you don't have to be a passenger too good a sub. You are more than capable of getting into the driver's seat and moving the car yourself. It's not dangerous to do so, even though it feels like your life is moving a hundred miles an hour on the highway it's actually just sitting still in a parking lot. You need to get out of the passenger's seat and stop driving too good a sub. Otherwise, you don't get to choose where your life goes. And I don't think you want that.
Best of luck and best wishes with resolving this situation and making your decision,
-MJH