Our partner

Help with a unique situation...

Open discussion on BDSM
Forum rules
================================================

The BDSM Forum is now closed for new posts. It is against the Forum Rules to discuss BDSM as the main topic of a post anywhere at PsychForums.

================================================

You are entering a forum that contains discussions of a sexual nature, some of which are explicit. The topics discussed may be offensive to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

Help with a unique situation...

Postby Mitched77 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 9:04 am

I just typed out a long post with as much information as possible with as little information as I have, and lost it all so I'm going to try and break this down a little better.

I recently got back together with the mother of my child. We were split up for 10 years, during which time I was married to 1 woman. She however had been with several men over the last 10 years. I was also not in a good marriage and after the first year a very light sexual relationship.

When we were originally together she was a bit of a prude and kind of modest about sex. She did once scratch my back to the point of drawing blood and leaving marks, which I was more then fine with. She sometimes got into me lightly pulling her hair and nibbling on her neck. Sometimes I would be firm with her or physically restrain her, but we never used restraints. Personally I prefer to do the restraining myself physically, feels like I'm more in control or dominating then when using restraints. That's as "kinky" as we got back then, primarily from her hesitation.

When we were discussion getting back together because we were concerned how it would effect our child if it didn't work out, she mentioned being a "little kinkier" then she used to be when we were together before. This caught me a bit off guard.

She brought up a set of books that an ex-admirer gave me before we originally got together, called The Sleeping Beauty Quartet by A. N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice). She was always curious why I had them basically. She said that that's sort of what she's into. Which they're about BDSM, but she says she's not into the extremes that those books are. I asked if she had any books she'd like me to read to familiarize myself with her needs. She said thousands, but none quite fit exactly with what works for her. She's also said that this is a huge issue for her and a deal breaker, that if the man can't give her what she needs sexually that she gets bored and moves on. But she's not comfortable talking about it yet, and can't tell me what she needs.

She did at least say that she "likes the man to be in control," which I'm totally okay with. And she also said that "pain isn't as off limits as it used to be," which before it was extremely off limits. She also said that several men weren't okay with it, and that one even tried to save her because of it. She has gone to meetings (not parties) but she felt that the people there were a bit creepy and into things far more extreme then she was, so she only went to 1 or 2. She doesn't want other people to know this about her, so that may have been another reason. But also means I have no one we know I can really discuss any of this with.

I jokingly said that I was pretty open as long as nothing included children, animals or the dead, mainly because I know she'd agree and she was nice enough to confirm. She did also say something about not being polyamourous as well. So that rules out anything in those areas. She also has major neck issues. She doesn't like feeling anything tight around her neck. It took her years just to be able to train herself to accept shirts that come up to her neck. So I really don't see it having anything to do with choking.

So with all that said, that is all the information I have. So far she's not been comfortable talking about it, and with past experience I don't see her being ready until after we've become sexual active again. She did however mention something a couple weeks ago about how she tried to "have some fun" on her day off, but her "personal electronic" broke. Which I am surprised she was comfortable telling me. When we're together we're very affectionate, so things seem like they're going well.

The issue being that I don't think she's going to discuss these things with me until after we've had sex. I don't really want to go into it unprepared and not give her what she needs, or give her something completely different. I know communication in these situations are needed but I'm not sure that'll happen. Another side of the issue is she's the love of my life and I completely adore her. I've yet to tell her I love her since getting back together, because if this is a deal breaker and I just am not able to give her what she needs I don't want to make it harder on her or me. But the longer things go the more complications there will be.

I know it's a near impossible task, but I'm really just looking for information and maybe some ideas or theories from people involved in the BDSM community. Any advice is much appreciated.

I'm not very versed in BDSM and from what research I've tried to do there's an absolutely huge range and variety, far to much for me to try and narrow things down. I've never really looked into things before involving sex, out of sex education in school. I've only every taken in the experience, learned from experiences, used my imagination and just done what felt right. It's always been very much about a connection with the other person for me, so I've never looked outside that.

My mind and imagination is all over the place. Based off what I used to know about her, what little information she's given me and the extremes it can go there's just to much. I find it all very daunting do I know asking for insight, advice or information is even more daunting. Thanks in advance to anyone that may respond.
Mitched77
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:39 am
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby keeponriding » Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:19 am

As you said yourself, this really all comes down to communication. I understand from what you are saying that she has problems talking openly about these kinds of things. That is fine. While it certainly makes things more difficult, with time hopefully she can open up more.

What is not fine however is to be extremely vague about her limits and needs while at the same time putting pressure on the man (in this case you) to satisfy her needs. That is asking for the impossible. She cannot expect to get what she wants if she can't tell you what it is.

Also personally I would never engage in any activities with a sub that would have me guessing what hard limits she has or what she is into. At the very minimum she needs to be able to clearly state what she is not okay with you doing. If she cannot do that while talking to you cause it embarrasses her or triggers her in some way or whatever her problems with communication is, I would suggest asking her if she could write it down for you in a letter. If you know what is off the table, you can safely experiment a little and see what she likes.

It's not going to be perfect the first time getting together after such a long time and wandering into unknown territorium without even knowing what she wants out of it. If you really think she would dump you over not satisfying her in the bed right from the start, I don't see any point in even giving it a try. You don't want to be together with a person like that. No offense but reading your post, you seem very submissive and not in a good way but in the kind of way where you let people push you around and have their way with you. Else I doubt you would be willing to read a bunch of books or spend a lot of time and energy on elaborate guessing games just so that maybe she will be satisfied with your performance and stick around.

This is a fresh start for the two of you. Use it to your advantage and to gain a balance in the relationship. If you instantly go putting yourself in a situation where she has all the power, that's most likely how things will remain as long as you are together.
keeponriding
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:01 am
Local time: Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:23 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby MJH2013 » Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:23 pm

Hello Mithched77, while a lot of your response from keeponriding is true and accurate there are certain points that I personally disagree with based on my own experience and certain things that keeponriding has not mentioned that I hope to bring to light.

To begin with, I completely agree with the notion that her lack of communication on her limits is a problem. You cannot dominate an individual who will not consent to being dominated (without it becoming abuse anyway), and a large part of the process of making sure your actions are consensual is learning her limitations. If she will not tell you what she won’t do, then you cannot ever be sure that something you are doing to her is something that she’s okay with or something that she’s barely tolerating. If this is such a deal breaker to her, it’s really not fair for her to keep all pertinent information to herself while still expecting you to meet her expectations. You should talk to her about this, and I echo the advice of having her write down what she does not want if she is unable to speak and you want to continue this relationship.

However, I disagree with the notion that, “you are submissive… in the bad kind of way” and I think that this comment exemplifies a lack of understanding of submissiveness in general. To begin with, there is no bad “way” to be submissive. The trait itself does not necessarily make an individual less skilled or less able to navigate life in every single context, and also does not make the individual in question morally or ethically bankrupt. Thus the trait itself is incapable of being “bad” objectively speaking. Just as we would not say that sadism is always bad, as it can be expressed in a consensual and healthy manner through BDSM, so we must conclude that the trait of submissiveness is always bad. However, there are situations where being submissive make you less-suited to producing a certain outcome based on that trait (and a variety of others that likely come along with said trait). And your current relationship is potentially one of those situations.

Unlike keeponriding, I think there is a more fundamental problem in your situation: You are not interested in BDSM for your own reasons, but rather only because your partner is potentially interested in BDSM. This is not good, as a BDSM relationship is generally between two individuals who are both interested in BDSM outside each other and choose practice BDSM together while in a romantic relationship with one-another. Your ex-wife might be interested in BDSM, an interest she likely discovered in the ten years between your divorce and this new relationship, but you are not. Ergo, a BDSM relationship is difficult if not impossible.

Now, before you explain that you are in fact interested in BDSM in order to please your wife and give her what she needs, allow me to explain what your wife (provided she is submissive as your post seems to suggest) needs. She needs you to take control. She needs you to do things to her because you want to do them to her for your own reasons. She needs you to push her, to mold her into your ideal woman; to train her, to teach her, to change her, to own her. And she needs you to want these things. She needs you to have your own desires that she can eventually meet. And while you sound like an absolutely lovely person Mitched77, at no point in your original post do you ever mention an outside interest in BDSM. You have the books about BDSM because of a former girlfriend, and are considering pursuing (and posting here) because your ex-wife who you want to get back together with has an interest. And while I have no doubt that after you find out what your ex-wife likes you could provide exactly what she stated, that would neither be what she wants nor what she needs. If she needs to be dominated, to be controlled, to submit, she needs a man who wants her to do all of those things. And not because it pleases her, but because it pleases him. That is how a dominant man feels- his submissive is devoted to pleasing him and only him. What the submissive does may give him or her pleasure, but that pleasure comes less from the action (although they can of course enjoy certain actions more than others) and more from the obedience to his or her Dominant. Now ask yourself Mitchell77, do you want to control your ex-wife in this way? Do you want to make her please you? Or do you want her to enjoy what you’re doing to her? Because that is the difference between what she would “like” and what she “needs”.

Best of luck and best wishes with this relationship and finding answers in general,
-MJH
MJH2013
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 6:54 pm
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 10:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby keeponriding » Sat Sep 26, 2015 6:08 pm

MJH2013 wrote:However, I disagree with the notion that, “you are submissive… in the bad kind of way” and I think that this comment exemplifies a lack of understanding of submissiveness in general. To begin with, there is no bad “way” to be submissive. The trait itself does not necessarily make an individual less skilled or less able to navigate life in every single context, and also does not make the individual in question morally or ethically bankrupt. Thus the trait itself is incapable of being “bad” objectively speaking. Just as we would not say that sadism is always bad, as it can be expressed in a consensual and healthy manner through BDSM, so we must conclude that the trait of submissiveness is always bad. However, there are situations where being submissive make you less-suited to producing a certain outcome based on that trait (and a variety of others that likely come along with said trait). And your current relationship is potentially one of those situations.


I will agree it could have been put in a better way by me. English is my second language so sometimes I find more complicated things difficult to explain and you did a good job elaborating on it. Perhaps "submissive in an unhealthy way" would have been a better way of phrasing it.

MJH2013 wrote:Unlike keeponriding, I think there is a more fundamental problem in your situation: You are not interested in BDSM for your own reasons, but rather only because your partner is potentially interested in BDSM. This is not good, as a BDSM relationship is generally between two individuals who are both interested in BDSM outside each other and choose practice BDSM together while in a romantic relationship with one-another. Your ex-wife might be interested in BDSM, an interest she likely discovered in the ten years between your divorce and this new relationship, but you are not. Ergo, a BDSM relationship is difficult if not impossible.


This I do not agree with. I don't interpret his text in a way that he would not have an interest in BDSM. However I think he is lacking in experience to properly determine what he is into and what he is not into. Also I don't think he is very well versed in the community. He might not have much knowledge about the regular dynamics of a dominant/submissive relationship to take an example and he might not know the different branches of fetishes and kinks that are out there or what their names are, but rather he has been experimenting a bit on his own and tried out a few things.
Everyone has to start somewhere after all. As long as there is an interest there (assuming there is - OP feel free to tell me if I have misinterpreted you), they can experiment and learn together.

As for the rest of your text however you make some important points that I completely agree with. I'm not certain he is ready to or ever will be ready to assume the type of role she wants him to assume. If he does not have a genuine interest or rather an urge to dominate, but is mainly doing it for her sake and to please her, he will never succeed in doing that.

It also depends somewhat on what she actually wants. We aren't given a whole lot of information - the OP himself isn't certain what she is into. Is she looking for a man to dominate her in the bedroom? Is she the type that wants to be told now and then what to do outside of the bedroom as well? Is she secretely fantasizing about becoming a 24/7 submissive to her man? The latter examples requires a whole lot more of the dominant person - both in terms of interest and dedication but also in terms of knowledge and experience.
keeponriding
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:01 am
Local time: Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:23 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby Mitched77 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:48 am

First, I may not have explained clear enough about her "deal breaker." She stated that in her previous relationships the men not giving her what she needed, resulted in her getting bored with the relationship and as a result it was a deal breaker for her. In this relationship however, as we discussed things at length before getting back together other then the specifics in bed, she was open and upfront about the fact because she didn't want that to happen here. She told me a her general interests so that I had a loose idea of what I was getting into, and I told her what my position on it. I've left it in her hands so far as the relationship is still young, but I do plan to push the issue a bit more. The writing it down is a very good idea, and I had not thought of that as I prefer to discuss things face to face.

While I can certainly see where you would get the submissiveness from my original post, that is not how I see it. I'm not one that does a lot of dwelling on sex, I tend to just act on things with my significant other. So I started doing more reading into things knowing generally what BDSM was and that I had a light interest in it and that I knew almost nothing about it. The books gifted to me by the admirer I never read because I am not into reading romance or things of that nature as fiction. She did however gift them to me because she felt they would interest me based on our sexual relationship which was more or less friends with benefits, thought she wanted much more.

I have used variety of restraints including rope, silk and cuffs. Though as I stated I prefer to physically restrain my partner myself. Blindfolds and gags. Knowing the extent of some of the pain I'm not sure you could consider biting, scratching and pulling of hair really pain. Also touching on pain I've used candles and candle wax, or extreme cold which is likely a lot more common. I've also forcefully taken a partner, obviously with her consent but it was not at a time of her choosing. That probably encompasses my experiences that I can remember off the top of my head. All things that I tried to introduce with my current girlfriend when we were originally together. But at the time though she enjoyed some very light play at it as I stated in the original post, she was uncomfortable letting it go further at the time. Then we did discuss it from time to time, but only after becoming sexual active together as I stated she would probably do this time as well.

Though I did look into things more because I knew I had a general interest, I will admit that I wouldn't have looked into it had she not said she was into it. But like I said primarily because it's not something I just generally do. Even though I know what I'm interested in and what I'm open to, I've never put much effort into labeling them or looking for information outside of myself and experiences. I just generally don't do that with anything, not just sex I experience and do things on my own. Knowing that she possibly into BDSM even lightly, and knowing my knowledge of BDSM specifically was why I did it. I can't go into the situation without being better informed, knowing that she herself may be, especially if I want to introduce her to new things and my way of doing things. Also though I do actually prefer to be the one in charge and I do like to restrain my partner and to be rough I guess is a good word or toying with light pain, I like to make sure that my partner is pleased.

I would imagine that there are different forms of doms and subs, from what I've read. I would have also imagined that some doms would care about the pleasure of their sub, given that they're in their care. Maybe I'm wrong. But I'm a protector and a provider, so I also protect and provide in bed. That's how I've always looked at things. Even though I may be in charge, and get a bit carried away when it comes to being rough.

It's also harder to get more information from her dating the mother of my child. We generally have our daughter around. Or her roommate. We do have date night, but like I've said it's still young relationship and I've been giving her more time. We do have a weekend coming up where we'll both be at an event with a hotel room, so it may be time then to see how things go.

I mainly posted here to try and get more information from people more active in the community. To maybe make sure that I had assumed correctly in her being a sub which really doesn't fit her personality outside of the bedroom. Maybe find out more subtleties about subs or get more information and guidance or pointers on being a dom. In general tell you what I knew and get your thoughts based on what little I had. Maybe she was into something other then dom/sub and a subtlety I didn't pick up on you might have and knew what she may be into.

Thanks for the responses, let me know anything else based on any new information I may have supplied here.
Mitched77
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:39 am
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby MJH2013 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:36 am

Mitched77, I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying here in terms of what exactly a Dominant is versus a submissive and why I asked the questions I did.

To begin with, as a Dominant you most certainly can care about the pleasure of your submissive. There's a reason why BDSM is consensual after all, and a reason why most Dominants, sadists, and the like only choose to pursue their craft with willing individuals-- thus demonstrating an intrinsic amount of caring in that if the Dominant did not care about the submissive, they wouldn't need the submissive to be willing and their actions to be consensual. What a Dominant cannot do, however, is focus solely on the pleasure of their submissive. As a Dominant, you cannot be asking your submissive exactly what she enjoys and doing exactly what she says, you cannot be the individual asking for permission all the time, you cannot be the one restrained by the opinions and likes of another. That is the submissive's role: The submissive determines what he or she is okay with during the relationship itself (and thus determines his or her hard and soft limits) and the Dominant acts around those things. If you are just doing exactly what your submissive wants, letting him or her decide what you do, where you do it, for how long, etc. then you are not controlling the situation at hand and therefore you are not the Dominant in the scenario. Just because one is holding the candle, doing the tying, holding someone's hands down, etc. does not necessarily make that person the Dominant.

I'm sure you've probably come across the idea of "topping from the bottom" during your research, and that is more than possible. A person in the "submissive role" that is controlling the scene would actually be described as the "Dominant partner" in actuality despite appearances. So, when you say things like, "I like to make sure that my partner is pleased" and, "I'm a protector and a provider, so I also protect and provide in bed" it seems to evoke a less Dominant and less controlling attitude in a sexual sense. However, even if you are not necessarily Dominant in bed, that doesn't mean that you cannot have preferences, desires, feelings, etc. It just means that those things are not necessarily required for your pleasure, you don't necessarily need the control in the relationship but you really like it. Based on what you have written, I don't think you're Dominant. I do however think that you have things that you like, and things that you don't like and a very good partner in terms of making your partner happy. You're a people-please with a backbone in bed. Many of my friends share the same traits and their partner's are incredibly happy with them. But that trait is really not Dominant. Your desires might be kinky, but they are not fully Dominant. And that's fine.

Next, when I stated that you have no outside interest in BDSM I was actually make two claims. First, that you were not necessarily actually interested in BDSM, and second that if you were not thinking of pursuing a relationship with your ex-wife then you would not be researching BDSM. While you have successfully disproven the first of my claims, the second is basically confirmed to be true. You don't have as much of an interest in BDSM as you have a desire to pleasure your partner, to make sure she's satisfied, and to play around the framework that she wants in a relationship. That's fine, and some might even say it's quite admirable for you to be so open to experimentation based on your partner's desires. I will amend my judgement that a BDSM relationship will be difficult to one a bit more nuanced. Depending on what your ex actually "needs" in a partner versus her physical desires and her "likes", a BDSM relationship between the two of you will either work extremely well or not at all. If your ex-wife is looking for a Dominant in the context that I described one in my first post (and she may not be able to tell you that. My submissive was not aware of the depths of her desires for submission until about the second full year of our relationship when I did something to show her how much she wanted to submit to me) then this quite simply isn't going to work. You are not the person I described, and that's totally okay. If your ex-wife wants a partner that is open to experimentation, that has his own desires but is willing to respect and participate in hers in order to please her, then this is going to work out fantastically. It's way too early for me, or for anyone else, to make the judgement on what she currently needs based on this new information you have provided. I have a feeling that this will turn out better than I expected in my first post, but no real evidence to support that claim. However, please keep in mind that there's only a certain degree to which you yourself are comfortable taking this relationship. It's clear that my strict categorizations make you slightly uncomfortable (as they probably should have- I didn't include nearly as much nuance) and just like her you also have a right and a say in this relationship. Please, don't do something you aren't comfortable with in order to please her. And don't try to become someone you aren't to please her either.

As for her status as a "submissive" or not, well that's hard to say without meeting her in person and talking to her. It is certainly possible for a confident, socially dominant, and independent individual to be submissive in bed. There's actually an old saying the BDSM community has appropriated to describe such individuals: "Lady on the streets, slut between the sheets". It is quite possible that your wife has submissive desires, and if she's interested in BDSM in any context and states that pain is less of a hard-limit than it used to be I'd say that submissive desires are relatively confirmed. But, again, it's too early to say whether or not she's a submissive in full or if she's just kinky and submissively-inclined. Either way, I think you're correct in your decision to research different aspects of BDSM to try and play to this potentially submissive attitude. I think you made the right call here, and I'm glad that you are educating yourself before just diving into it. Education is really important and it can mean the difference between an absolutely fantastic and an absolutely terrible experience with BDSM. I wish younger me had as much wherewithal as you to admit when he didn't know what the heck he was doing- it would have saved me a lot of grief in the end., and I'm glad you seem to be avoiding the most common mistake.

As for your ex-wife something other than the Dom/sub subtlety, again it's hard to say. Most BDSM-style relationships are built on the Dom/sub dynamic in that they are built on a fundamentally unequal power structure at some point with one partner becoming the Dominant and controlling the scene while the other party giving up their control and choosing to follow. There is a dynamic, the predator/prey dynamic, that is a bit of a play on this theme in that the "predator" is the partner who wants to aggressively take and dominate the "prey" who does not necessarily provide the consent to do that (verbally at least, it's similar to your previous experience with so-called "consensual nonconsent") but I am not familiar enough with the subtleties of that dynamic to comment on it further. It's not something I've ever pursued or really been into. I prefer the 24/7 TPE relationship I have with my submissive right now. But, if that sounds more accurate to her desires (ie being "forced" to give control and to capitulate to what you want) you might want to give that a google search or something.

Regardless, it sounds like you have a much better idea of what your partner's limits are than I previously thought (as a general idea of what is going on is infinitely better than no idea at all in the same way that one is exponentially larger than zero) so I retract my qualms with how your ex-wife is handling this entire ordeal. I completely understand that it's hard to talk about "nsfw" kind of things with your daughter being such a large part of both of your lives together and it seems like you are compensating well for that and doing the best you can given the situation.

I hope you two continue your good communication and wish you both all the happiness in the world and the best of luck with your new relationship,

-MJH
MJH2013
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 6:54 pm
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 10:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby Mitched77 » Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:04 am

I think that I understood your questions before, but I certainly have a much better idea now. I don't think that I communicating very well on my end. While I get what you're saying, and I'll even agree that I may not be the dominant you described, I think things are getting mixed up.

I'm not looking for her to tell me what to do, or lead me in anything. My statement in using the word "needs" may have been a bit misused. I primarily wanted to share what little information I had, which wasn't much to go on and find out what those in the community might think of the situation. While I had gathered that she was looking for a dominate, I did not want to make a false assumption given the fact that she's not comfortable discussing it yet. And as you've stated and I know in these situations, knowing the "okay" and "not okay" is important.

Ultimately in this discussion this is not coming across. I'm not concerned with my "needs" in this discussion because I know that my needs will be met. So I have not been discussing things from my perspective. I'm trying to ask and educate myself more on the "needs" of a submissive, generally. Obviously each person is going to be different. As well as learn more about being a dominate, whether I am one or not by the community's definition.

So why don't we start over now that we've looked at the information I have at hand, and just really delve more into dominate and submissive roles and the relationship of the two.
Mitched77
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:39 am
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Help with a unique situation...

Postby MJH2013 » Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:23 pm

Mitched77, I think we are having some communication issues. But, that being said I would be happy to talk about the role of the Dominant and the submissive in more general terms and stop trying to demonstrate how they apply to your situation. I hope this is more helpful.

The submissive requires two main things in general. The first is two submit to a partner. And the second is to be pleasing to said partner. The submissive attains the first of his or her main requirements through forfeiting the majority of his or her power (generally not all of it because hard limits exist and the submissive is capable of stopping the scene through the use of a pre-selected safeword) to her partner for the duration of a scene. This could mean a few hours, a few days, or in the case of 24/7 for the duration of the relationship itself. How much power the submissive wants to forfeit and for how long depends on the submissive in question. The submissive satisfies his or her second main requirement through fulfilling his or her Dominant's expectations for him or her. This can be accomplished through satisfying the Dominant's desires (sexual and otherwise), service to the Dominant, obedience to the Dominant's commands, etc. In order for the submissive to satisfy the requirement to please the Dominant, it is important for the submissive to know how to please the Dominant. This is why I touched on your desires for a bit-- because if your ex-wife is in fact a submissive your desires are actually of paramount importance as she will gain sexual pleasure from satisfying them and thus pleasing you.

Submissives do not tend to want to do things for their own desires. They can have things that they enjoy physically more than other things, but what a submissive most enjoys is fully pleasing his or her partner. Thus, the submissive instructs the Dominant on what his or her limits are (and thus what he or she is unwilling to do even to please his or her Dominant) while the Dominant themselves tends to ask about other activities and define what TO do. Thus, the submissive partner forfeits his or her power to the Dominant partner and the Dominant partner gains control of the scenario. Earlier on, I implied the the Dominant is not the one dictated to, but rather the one who dictates. This is what I meant: The Dominant decides what DOES happen to the submissive, at what intensity, and for how long based on the Dominant's own desires, and the submissive's limits. The submissive merely defines what does NOT happen through the definition of his or her limits. Even if your ex-wife really, really wants something (like a spanking, or a certain type of bondage) if she is in fact a submissive she will yield to your desires on the matter. Thus, even if you are not doing everything she wants all the time she will still be happy and satisfied because she is pleasing you. And while I hate to play the experience card, I know this from experience. My submissive has such a myriad of desires and likes that I could never hope to provide them all at the same time within the same session, but she is satisfied with pleasing me regardless of her own preferences (although she would likely tell you that her preference was in fact to please me :P). That is how a submissive tends to act in general, although of course it does vary slightly from submissive to submissive.

However, if your wife is less a submissive and more a kinky individual with submissive desires (there's really no good term for this, so I'm just going to use "kinky individual" from now on) this entire framework changes completely. A kinky individual does not submit to please her partner and thus herself, but rather merely to please herself. While a submissive submits in order to please her partner and might think it "feels good", a kinky individual submits solely because it "feels good". Thus, the kinky individual focuses significantly more on the fulfillment of his or her own preferences than the submissives does. The kinky individual does not have the desire to please another, but rather the desire to please himself or herself. Thus the kinky individual is incapable of submitting in the same way the submissive does. While the kinky individual might forfeit some of his or her power to the more dominant partner, they do not forfeit the majority like the submissive does. The kinky individual has a "list of desires" (perhaps a bad analogy, but bear with me here) that they want satisfied. In order to have these desires satisfied, they need to submit to the dominant partner in some context. But, rather than give the dominant partner limits on what he or she cannot do and allowing the Dominant the freedom to structure the scene around those limits, the kinky individual instead tells the dominant partner exactly what they DO want. Recall that a Dominant is not the partner that is dictated to, but rather the one who does the dictation. Thus, in a relationship with a kinky individual there is no Dominant (unless it is the kinky individual themselves) but rather merely a partner assuming the ROLE of the Dominant without actually being a Dominant (which I have previously referred to as the dominant partner). Thus, in this relationship dynamic there is in fact not as much power exchange: The kinky individual tells the dominant partner what to do and the dominant partner performs those actions (and may also improvise based on the kinky individual's limits but MUST perform the actions on the kinky individual's "list").

These two relationship dynamics are the ones I discussed in my last post (well, minus the whole predator prey thing which is something slightly different). I posited that you would likely do better in the second sort of relationship (the one with a kinky individual) as you do not seem to have as much of an outside interest in BDSM as you do a desire to fulfill your partner's "list" and experiment. That could change once you start experimenting, but currently I think you are less the Dominant of the first relationship and more the dominant partner of the second. I also think that this becomes a bit more plausible when you state that, "[you] know [your] needs will be met" because as a Dominant how could you possible know that? Dominants in general have myriad of desires, and it is impossible to know whether a submissive is capable of satisfying a Dominant without knowing his or her limits in detail. Because if a Dominant really likes spanking and a submissive has spanking as a hard limit (and thus the Dominant in question would never be allowed to spank the submissive) even if the submissive was extremely attractive to the Dominant, and behaved in a manner acceptable to the Dominant, that submissive would likely not be considered as satisfying all of the Dominant's needs. As a dominant partner however, the desire is less to fulfill one's own wants and moreso to make sure one's partner is pleased and experiment.

I hope that this provided a bit more information on Dominants and submissives (and kinky individuals and dominant partners) in general, and wish you the best of luck in your further education

-MJH
MJH2013
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Wed Aug 14, 2013 6:54 pm
Local time: Wed Jun 19, 2019 10:23 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to BDSM




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests