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I have my first Dom. and am split between two worlds

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I have my first Dom. and am split between two worlds

Postby Anonymous90 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 3:12 pm

I just want a place I can talk about this because my Dom just so happens to not be my husband and he doesn't know about it. I play a video game and in my guild we have a leader that I started getting close to. My husband isn't a very strong person as a man or as a leader and the more I got to know my current Dom, the more I realized how much of a man he was. Man as in he is strong and forth-right and leads. I have always been into BDSM just have never had the chance to find someone who was into what I needed. My Dom is 49 and I am 24 (soon to be 25). The age difference shyed me away at first but I quickly realized how shivilrace and caring men from his era are. We eventually fell in love, started talking on the phone and started engaging in sexual activities over the phone and over the game. He lives states away from me so this is the best we can do.

He scratches an itch that I guess I have been needing my entire life. He controls me and I just submit everything to him-so much that I melt and feel paralyzed until he gives me an order. His voice is so commanding and its like a rope tied around my gut pulling me wherever he likes and I love it. He turns me on so much and I just want to be his but I cant. We are both married and both have kids and, although his wife is currently in a dying-condition, he says once his story ends there he will pursue me and I am so afraid of braking up my marriage and letting my son down. Can I possibly live two lives? I wish my husband was into sharing me so I could have these two lives but I doubt he would ever consider it. I love both these men and want them both.
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Re: I have my first Dom. and am split between two worlds

Postby MJH2013 » Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:31 pm

Hello Anonymous90, I hope to be able to provide some advice and perspective on your current situation. What I have to say is likely not what you are going to want to hear, but it is the most correct summation aof your situation I can give based on the information in your post, and the best advice that I believe I can provide. I would also like to begin with the disclaimer that I do not support infidelity in any way, shape or form and am myself in a monogamous relationship with my submissive. That being said, my personal morals and scruples matter very little so I shall try to keep any criticism in the realm of your husband's morals and away from my own personal views as much as possible.

To begin with, any idea that you can have both your husband and your Dominant is most likely pure fantasy: you state that your husband would most likely never consider sharing you and dominant men in general do not generally like to share partners they are committed to emotionally (and seeing as you state that you and your Dominant "fell in love" I assume that there is an emotional attachment of some sort between you). As difficult as it is going to be your only option is to choose between your husband and your Dominant. So I'm sorry, but this two-life scenario is inherently unsustainable. It may work for a short while, but eventually your Dominant is going to want more commitment or your husband is going to become suspicious and start asking difficult questions or even discover your infidelity. So, I recommend that you put all thoughts of having both your husband and your Dominant completely out of your mind because it is highly improbable to the point where I would say it is statistically impossible based on the information you have provided.

Second, it is important that you understand that you are risking a real relationship with your husband for a "fake" cyber relationship with your Dominant. You have never seen your Dominant in person. You have never woken up next to him in bed. You don't know if he's a morning person, an evening person, or an afternoon person. You've never seen him change a diaper or folded his clothes. You've never kissed him. You've never had real sex. You've never even held hands and talked casually in each-other's presence. I assume that you've done all of these things with your husband, and would thus state that you know your husband. You do not know your Dominant. Compared to your husband, he is merely an acquaintance. Even if he's shared details about his personal life with you, or had casual phone conversations with you it is still completely and totally different than actually meeting him in person. It is extremely easy to be a Dominant over the phone, in a video game, in a chat-room etc. It is much harder to be a Dominant in person. The internet and anonymity breeds a culture in which people can act significantly more aggressive on the internet than they are in real life. People that internet-users refer to as "trolls" who oftentimes make points designed to elicit an emotional response most likely do not do so in real life. People who make aggressive and demeaning comments toward other internet users would most likely not make those same comments if they were talking in person the the individual they want to insult. Your Dominant may not be the same in person as the persona he has cultivated both in his online interactions and in his phone calls (and phone sex) with you. Your current relationship allows your Dominant to play to his strengths and potentially minimize or ignore his weaknesses. What you have with your Dominant may be intoxicating and you may have real feelings, but you do not have a real relationship with your Dominant. And that will not change until you meet him in person and submit to him in person.

Third, you need to consider the level of investment that you have in this cyber relationship with your Dominant versus the level of investment that he has toward you. You are comparing your Dominant and your husband, and finding that your Dominant oftentimes scores better on traits like "manliness" and "leadership" that you seem to value. You are considering a commitment to him that will jeopardize your marriage- in fact you've already done that. If your husband finds out, you may end up losing your marriage and potentially impacting your children's lives. On the other hand, your Dominant's wife is supposedly (because neither you nor I can know for sure as neither of us has met your Dominant in person) dying of an illness, and has either given him permission to pursue other women, is in such a state of poor-health that she is not cognizant of her husband's actions (she may be in a coma, on her death-bed, mentally absent due to symptoms or medication etc.), or is unable and or unwilling to give her husband consequences for his actions due to her illness and her need for support. In any of these cases, though some are more moral than others, your Dominant gets out scot-free with little to no consequences whatsoever for his actions. Therefore, he can pursue a relationship with you with relative impunity. As I stated earlier, you do not have this luxury. He can do the same things that you can without the level of commitment and investment that you have toward him. He does not need to gamble his marriage, his children, his life-style, etc. in order to be with you. You do in order to be with him.

Fourth, we do need to discuss your Dominant's morals (or lack thereof) because you have mentioned that some of the reasons for your attraction to him are how, "shivilrace [sic] and caring" he is. There is precisely one scenario where both of those characterizations are true. In order for your Dominant to be a chivalrous and caring man, his dying-wife will have needed to have given him permission to pursue other women, and he would have needed to be completely honest with you about his intentions and his marital situation. If your Dominant's wife has not explicitly given him permission to pursue you, and if he has not been completely honest to the best of his ability with you, then he loses the characterization of "chivalrous". If your Dominant is cheating on his dying wife, then I doubt many would refer to him as caring as a caring man would wait until his wife has passed-on before pursuing another women unless his wife has given him permission to move on. Based on this scenario, it is unlikely that your Dominant is as chivalrous and caring as you make him out to be.

Fifth, the majority of the reason you claim to have such deep feelings for your Dominant seem to be based around sex and or sexual attraction. You talk about how your Dominant's voice is extremely commanding, how you "melt" when you submit to him, how much he turns you on, etc. You never once commented on his intelligence, his opinions on important relationship matters, any shared interest you have in anything other than BDSM etc. While I do not want to assume that you've never had these conversation as I realize that your pose is just a basic summary of your interactions with your Dominant, I do want to state that if sex, sexual attraction, and a mutual interest in a fetish are the only things in your relationship with your Dominant, maybe you should think about how much you are investing in him versus your husband. Sex alone cannot make a long-term relationship, and seeing as how this relationship may end your marriage it seems rather foolish in my opinion to jeopardize a marriage for what basically amounts to a fling. Additionally, if sex, mutual attraction, and your interest in BDSM are the main things you discuss with your Dominant I would also dispute the fact that you are in love with your Dominant (and he with you). I think that it would be more accurate to say that you are lusting after your Dominant if sex is the only thing you tend to discuss with him.

Seventh, you need to understand that you have heavily devalued your husband in comparison to your Dominant. You are forcing him to compete with a man that is able to only show his good-side to you, and a man that you have never met in person and a man that he doesn't even know he is competing against. In short you are forcing your husband to compete against a fantasy, and no one can compete with something that is not real. You state that your husband is not much of a man, that he is not a strong person, and imply that you were dissatisfied in your marriage before meeting your Dominant. If that is the case, then why did you marry your husband in the first place? Why did you have children with him? And why do you claim that you still love him and want him in your life if he is causing this level of dissatisfaction in your marriage? I think you need to take a long, hard look at your marriage. I believe that you may have been re-writing relationship history in order to provide a form of "justification" for your relationship with your Dominant. I would also like to state that no amount of dissatisfaction excuses infidelity: dissatisfaction gives you the right to ask for a divorce, go to marriage counseling, ask for a trial separation, etc. but not a right to cheat on your husband emotionally or physically. And I believe that your husband would most likely agree with my statement on this matter. What you are doing is wrong, and it needs to stop one way or another.

So, what should you do? Either divorce your husband or stop this relationship with your Dominant. If you really cannot make a decision, then I recommend you tell your husband about your phone and game sex with your Dominant and ask him if he wants to stay with you now that he has that knowledge. Also, if you decide you want to stay with your husband then you do need to tell him about your relationship with your Dominant. Honesty and trust are some of the most important things in any relationship, and if the relationship you end up choosing is the one with your husband then the only way to keep these two things is to tell him. It's not going to be easy. And It's not going to be fun. But it's what you have to do. You have to pick Anonymous90. You can't have both, and you're running out of time to pretend that you can. If you don't pick one of these men will choose for you. Choose wisely.

Best of luck and best wishes with your decision and in resolving this situation

-MJH
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