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How and when to introduce bdsm to gf

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How and when to introduce bdsm to gf

Postby Mikejimson » Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:32 am

Hi, I have been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months and we are very close emotionally and sexually. We have experimented a little bit with bdsm as far as me spanking her and she really enjoyed it and it was a great experience for both of us. That said, I would like to try something more intense on the bdsm scale with her i.e. Bondage, using a riding crop instead of my hand, etc. (Nothing too extreme). I'm wondering if I can get some advice on how long to wait to broach this subject with her and how I should bring it up. I was pretty open about wanting to spank her in the bedroom and she was nervous at first but she warmed up to it. I just want to be careful with approaching the more "in-depth" bdsm play.

Thanks for the advice,

Mike
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Re: How and when to introduce bdsm to gf

Postby JamesOz » Sat Mar 28, 2015 10:56 pm

As you have an established intimate sexual relationship I suggest that you approach it immediately and in the event it's unacceptable to her then you can both make an early decision about what to do next. This way neither of you has invested further emotional energy in a relationship which cannot progress.

On the other hand: don't make a big deal out of it. She enjoys spanking - light bondage and/or using a spanking implement are not a huge leap. So, perhaps, during a spanking session have a dressing-gown belt or similar handy and just ask if you can tie her wrists in front of her. If she agrees and all goes well you can progress from there.
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Re: How and when to introduce bdsm to gf

Postby Callalily » Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:39 pm

Hey there,

I realize this is an old thread but I'm res'ing it because I think it's an interesting question that raises other interesting questions. :)

I would say this depends on a bunch of different things. Your girlfriend's temperament and attitude towards sex, the length and nature of your relationship, the BDSM activities you're interested in, how important BDSM is to you. I am a really good example of someone who is brand new to kink, has little to no experience, and was seriously freaked out by it until very recently. So I can tell you some of the negative feelings it brought up in me. Of course, I am just one person, and reactions would be as varied as individuals are varied. I'm sure some women would be like "Yesssss I thought you'd never ask!" and would jump right in without a second thought. :)


  • "I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what you want. I don't know how badly this is going to hurt, and I don't know if I can handle it."
Fear is an interesting emotion. I find a bit of nervousness is exciting, but serious fear and panic make me cold and numb. I'm not able to evaluate what I find arousing when I'm scared, because I shut down and withdraw into myself and go all defensive.

I like your idea of proceeding slowly and not suggesting anything too extreme at first. If you are secretly into electrocutions or something, maybe hold off on telling her about that. :) You might also want to wait until she's in a warm, relaxed and sexual mood with you, although I actually disagree with JamesOz about springing it on her in the middle of a scene. Maybe after, when you are both comfortable and happy, you can ask her how she felt about what you just did and if she'd like to try something more next time. But definitely agree that context is important: if you call her at work and spring it on her cold like "I want to beat you!" she will hear it very differently. :D


  • "This is all about you."
Superficially, BDSM looks selfish and one-sided. I mean, that's what's being role-played: a Dominant using his Submissive for his own gratification with no thought of her arousal or pleasure. This seems especially true when you've mostly encountered BDSM via hardcore porn, which is generally targeted at a male audience and which continually outdoes itself in order to excite viewers. The reputable kink sites will bracket their scenes with entrance and exit videos so you know the performers were enjoying themselves, but since most clip sites remove those, all you're left with is a sobbing, shaking woman who looks completely miserable. While a seasoned or more extreme Sub might love that, a novice is more likely to be put off.

I would explain candidly and openly why this isn't all about your needs. (Assuming it isn't. :wink: ) Why do you want to do this with her? What about doing this with her excites you? Ask her about her own fantasies, what things she might find pleasurable, and encourage her not to say what she thinks you want to hear. Keep in mind you are basically telling her "I love you, but I want to hurt you." Even if she's fantasized about being hurt in the past, knowing someone she cares for actually wants to do it can be confusing. Reassure her that you love her and that her experience matters to you and that you are attuned to her desires and feelings. Be present and honest with her. Hear her concerns and fears, and express your own.


  • "Are we never going to have regular sex again?"
I imagine even the most veteran Submissives have days where they can't handle or don't want a lot of pain. Where they might even like an affectionate and gentle sexual experience. Unfortunately, I've found that sometimes, once I've set a precedent with a guy, he then expects it all the time and anything less than that bores him. Anal is a fine example: once you've opened that door (heh) a lot of guys aren't interested in your vagina any more. Unfortunately, the vagina is where my sex organs are, so it occasionally needs tending to. :D

Point being, it's important your girlfriend knows this doesn't mean you're tired of her and that she won't be setting a standard she'll now be expected to live up to every day. Obviously not all women are the same, but for many of us, sex is an intimate experience and a way to connect with you. We're happy to try new things but we may not want fisting and orgies every day.


  • "I'm afraid I have to do this or you will leave."
JamesOz brought up an interesting point:

As you have an established intimate sexual relationship I suggest that you approach it immediately and in the event it's unacceptable to her then you can both make an early decision about what to do next. This way neither of you has invested further emotional energy in a relationship which cannot progress.

That's a good question to ask yourself: how important is this to you? If she's unwilling, or willing but doesn't enjoy it, is it a deal-breaker? How central is this to your sexuality, and could you be happy in a relationship where it wasn't happening? Because if your girlfriend is attached to or even loves you, and believes this is critical, she may feel compelled to go along with it no matter what her feelings. That kind of pressure, much like serious fear, doesn't feel sexy.

Returning to our earlier example: say you really did have a serious fetish for electrocutions. One day your girlfriend gamely gives it a go, and she hates it. I mean, not just doesn't particularly enjoy it, but hates it; she's frightened and in pain and clearly a complete mess afterwards. You tell her "Okay honey you don't have to do this any more." If she's anything like me, whether you say that or not, she'll know in the back of her mind that you have this need she can't fulfill and will feel guilty and inadequate for denying it. Subby girls feel a a lot of internal pressure to please. Unless it actually is a deal-breaker, you may want to reassure her that it's only one sexual fantasy of many and not worth sacrificing all the other things you value about her for. It will make her far more excited to try out all your other fantasies. :)


I'm very curious to hear from other people on this subject. That includes guys whose wives asked them to be more dominant; there seem to be a number of posters on here who had that experience.

[Heh it makes me laugh that every time I post I click "Submit."]
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