I enjoy it rougher, he doesn't. Advice please.

Maybe this isn't the right place for this, but I need help. I'm a 25 year old housewife. My husband is the sweetest, kindest man I've ever met, and I love him more than anything, but I'm just not being fulfilled sexually. My only other long term relationship was with a man who had rougher sexual tendencies, and introduced me to bondage and adventurous sex. I don't know if I'd be okay with full-on BDSM, and I don't think I'm exactly into voyeurism, but I like having sex outdoors, like in the backyard, or the car. Against a window with the blinds open. I love being held down, pushed against the wall, and bent over. I'm a biter, scratcher, and hair-puller, and I wish my husband would do those things to me. But he's never tried them, and I can't seem to interest him in trying them--especially the things where there's a possibility of being caught. His friend stayed over one night, and I had to beg him to have sex--with the door locked and my face buried in a pillow! Like I said, I love him, and I enjoy our sex. I don't want it rough all the time. But there are times when I do want it rough, or to be held down, and I don't know how to get him to cooperate. I've talked to him about it both in and out of the bedroom, and he acts like he'd be okay with it, but we never really do anything about it. What kills me is that he has a foot fetish, and though it can be tiring and annoying, I give him foot jobs. Maybe it's wrong, but I've asked my ex for advice on how to get my husband interested in rougher play, but his advice didn't help--he said I should take the lead and show my husband. My ex is a dom, and I'm a submissive person, and I don't know how to be dominating. I've tried porn--watching, reading, and fantasizing about it--and it helps get me off, but it doesn't help my desire to experience it myself. How can I get my husband to try rougher or more adventurous sex without driving him away?

I think there's an awkward clash between you around the fear of discovery. It seems like it's a spice for you and a boner killer for him. I'm not sure how that can be resolved. Except perhaps camping in a very remote place. Where there's extremely little likelihood of discovery. I can't think of other compromises for that one.

With the rough play. It might be good to be really specific about one thing you'd like. Before you get going at all. So perhaps in the morning. You could say "I'd love to have sex this evening where you bite me when I say your name." Then he has some time to think about it. And there's a specific prompt for him and action you're requesting. Over time, if he gets comfortable with it. That might become more spontaneous.

Since he's not outright refusing, there could be two things going on. He could just be terrified of doing it wrong. And therefore "playing safe" with what he's doing. So being highly specific might help with that. And also feeding back when he's got it right. No comments on what he did wrong. Just "when you twisted my nipple, that was a huge turnon. I thought I was going to climax right there." Lots of positive reinforcement.

The other option is that this upsets him. But he doesn't want to be honest with you about it. If this seems to be the case. It could be because he doesn't want to "clash" with being the sweet kind man you love. And reassurance that it doesn't change who he is at core. Might help. Also that there are still boundaries. That if he goes too far, you'll let him know. So he doesn't need to be afraid of "losing it" and hurting you badly. Or it's possible that this is actively a problem for him. In which case, exploring verbal roughness is about the only option remaining. It could be that this is as aversive to him as scat or bestiality might be to you. [With apologies for the assumptions. But you haven't mentioned them, so I hope that's an OK reference.] In that case, perhaps you could reassure him that this ISN'T a relationship breaker for you. That you love him as he is. [Assuming that's true.] And perhaps asking if it's OK for you to read / watch BDSM porn. Not that you need his permission!! But I think that being open about it might allay some of his fears. Rather than hiding everything. And leaving him to worry that perhaps you'll go back to your ex if he isn't satisfying your needs. It also gives him permission for the kind of porn he likes. Which might cut down a little on the foot jobs you need to give. That seems fair to me.

I know for me, as a masochistic male, it would be extremely difficult to remain in a relationship (or marriage) where my partner was not willing to fulfill my needs (which includes my sexual needs).

While that isn't the only thing that factors into a relationship, it's not an insignificant portion of the formula. Think about it this way: you're willing to indulge your husbands foot fetish, you do something you may not enjoy as much to make him happy. Why can't he show you the same courtesy?