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*TW* My life story rant

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*TW* My life story rant

Postby AvPDeeznutz » Wed Apr 28, 2021 6:29 pm

I'm a 27-year-old woman with AvPD and have never had a job and boyfriend because of my debilitating anxiety and fear of humiliating myself. I spent my early 20's in my house unbelievably and desperately depressed, and wouldn't leave my house more than 5 times a year. Even though I have always been inconsistent about seeking out therapy I have grown to be stronger and slightly confident. Growing up I was a very nervous quiet kid, I would never talk especially at school and I was too afraid to make friends, walk around to get my lunch, or ask anyone for help even if I was about to vomit or had a fever. I was always bullied for being fat (i was only 40 lbs overweight up until high school) and shy, and would constantly get harassed by boys. I remember in 3rd grade the kid who sat beside me in reading class would touch all over my body and in between my legs when my teacher would turn off the lights in order to use a projector. Anyways my dad raped my sister, my mom couldn't hold a job so we had to spend many weeks and even months without much food and electricity. My older sister ended developing anorexia and what by now has been accurately diagnosed as BPD by a mental health professional. My mother is bipolar and also has OCD and would verbally/physically abuse me and my sister. If we didn't clean perfectly, or do what she asked like schoolwork or basically anything flawlessly we would get berated with insults and terrible guilt trips about how we were so stupid and worthless. When my mom found out my sister was being raped under the same roof under which she slept so peacefully, my dad immediately was kicked out and reported to the police. He immediately ran away to Mexico for 7 years, which doesn't even matter really since the police dismissed my sister and called her a liar. Either way, since she found out about the decade of rape my sister endured since the age of 4 my mom has treated my sister like an injured baby bird out of guilt. So when my sister fell ill and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals due to cutting or suicidal ideation, my mom kept verbally abusing and hitting me. Since I was in my early teens then and was developing quickly she would also insult my appearance or the way I expressed myself when I was minding my own business. My mom thought I knew I was going on and helped my father sneak into the bedroom at night to rape my sister, which by the way by the time the truth came to light I had just turned 11. After my sister's heart stopped because of the severity of her anorexia her mental and physical state took a turn in the right direction, and became the golden child in my mom's eyes but honestly at that time I thought my sister deserved to be happy and treated like a princess. Sadly, my mom kept treating me badly when she was overwhelmed with stress and unmedicated which to my dismay was all the time. She started to use more personal insults about my mental state and my body, which she would come into my bedroom while I was getting dressed after showering to make fun of and poke.

I loved my sister and always idolized her, but she would outright tell me she hated me in my face and treated me like $#%^ after we all found out about what happened when she was 14 up until she made some improvement and graduated high school at 18 (she also used to hit me back when we were very little). After she realized I was more mature and not a useless elementary school kid she started to treat me nicely and we became really close, I worshipped the ground she walked on. However, because of her BPD which was misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder during that time, she would obsess over her girl crushes and friends and leave me behind at the drop of a hat no matter what.

I remember when I was 10 my mom forced her to take me along with her and her friends (most importantly her girl crush) to see the 4th of July fireworks. I had always been a weak clumsy kid. Anyways she was annoyed and embarrassed by me enough to walk ahead with her friends and crush and left me behind on top of a steep hill. There was a long path way I could have walked to get to the part of the sidewalk she was walking down but it was pitch dark, there had been reporting of a predator who at that time lurked that area at night, and I was in a hurry to catch up and go home because I was scared. I tried to go walk down the hill but picked up speed in my pace and couldn't slow down. I ended up crashing my face into a railing pole at the bottom of the hill that outlined the sidewalk and knocked out all of my bottom teeth (also dislocated my jaw permanently). I had many surgeries which she refused to be there for and didn't help me during my recovery at all. I also want to quickly share another moment in time a year or two after my accident in which she gave away my birthday cake on my birthday (which I spent alone) to the same girl crush.

Back to what I was writing before my accident story, my sister has always preferred everyone on the earth more than me and our family. I ended up dropping out of school after two years of skipping and walking the streets and sleeping in trap houses to kill time. I joined JobCorps and earned my GED. I fell in love with a guy who seemed to love me back and kept trying to confess to me but I did everything I could to stop that from happening ever since. Btw my sister introduced me to smoking weed/cigarettes and drinking when I was 15. Since the age of 18, my sister dated a girl for 9 years that mentally abused me and has been addicted to crack twice (which she offered me as well) before 2016 and meth/bath salts once from 2018 to 2019. Nowadays she is always out on the street partying and getting drunk or high and has picked up the habit of stealing and coercing money out of me.

My mom and I actually get along now, and we work together to keep the house afloat and take care of each other. All the bad I have gone through and still go through has changed me, I am tired and am running low on ###$ to give. My mom became disabled around 2018 too so I'm being depended on and I don't want to let anyone down including myself. I'm tired of being let down by my sister, who once was the only person who accepted me for me unconditionally and was my rock. Back when she was drug-free she worked hard and was a dedicated bodybuilder. Don't even get me started on my mom, also strong, hardworking, and impeccable taste in all things decor and fashion. I had been relying on them for so long, but now it's the other way around. I also don't want to suffer and be unfortunate anymore, I have always given my all to be good enough for them since I was young and now I am fed up with all the #######4 I experienced because of them that I had bottled up for so long. Last summer I decided that I deserve more and joined an online college, which I am still working on keeping up with but I refuse to give up. I want more out of life for me and my family, I have hit rock bottom so many times the only way to go is up.

This was all written terribly so I'm sorry, and probably sounds like a load of horseshit, but my only intention in writing this post was venting about my life to people who are going to it like I am. I still struggle tremendously with my AvPD every single damn day, but it doesn't take over my life like it used to.

I may not have a life, but I am a part of other peoples life and I've been fighting to make that mean something for them and myself. Took me 9 years to muster up the courage to go to school but progress is progress? The money coming in is good, and I'm fortunate to be able to stay hidden at home hidden away from the world while I get my $#%^ done.
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