rejection pain

When you have no social network or family and you are poor and struggle with social interaction if in desperation you reach out to someone and they reject you even though they are in a position to help it feels so bad. I want to put it into words but it is so hard. Not only are you dealing with the original difficult situation but now you have to also deal with the pain of the rejection. I am sure it relates to the deepest primal fear of people, because with out support in our prehistory you wouldnt have lived long especially with children. I read somewhere that avpd is the most distressing pd to have. It is so disabling but mental health doctors are totally useless and i would never want to say to someone, oh I have avoidant personality disorder. Its not 'cool' like borderline or autism. on the big 5 personality tests i score 95% neurotic and 13% introvert. but mental health workers dont look at that either. I feel so disabled and I have been hated and rejected so much in my life. All my life ive felt like im struggling up a huge steep mountain, going a little way and sliding back all the way down, I feel like im in a game of snakes and ladders without the ladders and the snakes are all the people ive met, or like im in a game of chess with just a pawn against a full set of pieces.

I don't know that BPD or autism are "cool", but I do think they've been buzz words in the media and are probably more well known- or emerging that way.

There is a cycle of rejection, fear and avoiding too- each feeds one another.

I found I had to find the right doctors and therapists to help me. There were a lot who were totally useless to me, while others were willing to explore "there's something not right here" further with me. It was a long time before anyone even used the term "personality disorder".

With online personality tests- they are really interesting, but do take them with a grain of salt. We all have certain personality traits, but those traits don't necessarily make someone disordered. I've found most professionals I've dealt with have not used quizzes or questionnaires for anything other than assessing my levels of anxiety or depression- every other assessment they've made of me has been through more general verbal questioning and observing how I react- they've built up the picture as they've gotten to know me rather than "your questionnaire said x, so x HAS to be the only possible answer". The answer turned out to be a lot more complex than just "you have AvPD". If we'd gone with what my quiz results said way back when I was exploring those a lot, because I was needing some kind of validation- which I think sounds like where you are at too, my path to where I am now would have looked different.

Hugs and keep talking.