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Failing

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Failing

Postby deadpoppy » Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:38 pm

I watched a programme the other day where these four guys were on a building site digging a trench, but the sandy trench began collapsing on top of them. Water began filling the trench and a bolder fell and trapped the men. The were up to their chests in the sand and water, and it was slowly crushing them. As fast as the sand was removed, more fell on top of them. One man got out un hurt, One man died under the boulder pretty much immediately and the other two men in pain, unable to breath properly and scared the sand would completely cover them alive. they just wanted to be left alone to die. I feel like those two men and the trench they were in has been my entire life. As fast as i try to remove the sand the faster it fills in, threatening to bury me at any minute. Trapped and crushed and in agony and fear.
The two men survived in the end because there was a massive rescue effort to save them. I know it sounds self pitying, and self pity it a disgusting trait, but I wish I could of had just one person to help rescue me.
But like the men in the trench, some peoples life will be great with out them even trying, some peoples life will never and can never be alright and other people have to work hard to make their life alright. I have been trying for my whole life to make my life alright but I have never managed it. I used to be really angry like a toddler stamping its foot saying its not fair why is my life so hard but what ever i was experiencing a bit of me thought that in the end things would be alright and i wouldnt have to be scared any more. But know I know for sure i am in the category where it will never and can never be alright and so I ask myself what is the point of going on any more.
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Re: Failing

Postby lilyfairy » Wed Jan 20, 2021 8:15 am

Hi Poppy

I understand that feeling completely.
deadpoppy wrote:But like the men in the trench, some peoples life will be great with out them even trying, some peoples life will never and can never be alright and other people have to work hard to make their life alright. I have been trying for my whole life to make my life alright but I have never managed it. I used to be really angry like a toddler stamping its foot saying its not fair why is my life so hard but what ever i was experiencing a bit of me thought that in the end things would be alright and i wouldnt have to be scared any more. But know I know for sure i am in the category where it will never and can never be alright and so I ask myself what is the point of going on any more.
I feel like I would be labelled an ungrateful sod if I verbalised that to anyone in the "normal" world. Right now I'd just like someone to stick up for me. I'm trying to stand up for myself, but people just keep stomping on me and they seem to be entitled to do that and be able to get away with it. I'd just like to be able to get ahead a little bit, and not have to totally exhaust myself in the process of trying.

deadpoppy wrote:I know it sounds self pitying, and self pity it a disgusting trait, but I wish I could of had just one person to help rescue me.
I think self pitying and struggling are two different things. Maybe that appears differently to outsiders with no experience with MH issues, but they're not the same. Wanting help is not self pity. I understand how hard asking for help is though.

Don't give up. Hang on to the little victories, however small they may seem. And don't try to compare other people's Mount Everest effort with yours- yours is going to look totally different. It's ok to say this is as much as I can do today. Sometimes mine's things as simple as "I brushed my hair today". I have days I've gone to the gym and said "I got here, do I actually have to do anything? Getting here was enough effort".

One day at a time. Please keep yourself safe and keep talking. Do you have any other support around you at the moment?

Hugs
Lily
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