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How do I approach him?

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How do I approach him?

Postby Gomba13 » Sat Aug 29, 2020 4:51 pm

This guy really seemed to like me at first. Although he never said anything about AVPD specifically, he invoked psychiatry as one of the many things that are wrong with him and should be reason enough for me not to date him. He otherwise really seemed like a textbook case. He approached me in a low key, classy, non threatening way. We had a brief moment of intimacy, I went to his house twice. Both times, he really opened up about who he was and he seemed to be excited about me being there. He seemed to not want those two days to end, and his motivations definitely weren't sexual. He was also very honest about the not so flattering aspects of him and his life, which he seemed to be using right from the start as reasons for me to keep away from him. He kept saying he didn't want to hurt me. But at the same time, he seemed to keep changing his mind and still be interested in me. It seemed like he really liked me and would have liked a relationship but was scared of it not working out, for reasons that don't seem to have anything to do with me. He tried many times to get close to me and then he seemed to chicken out.

It was really hard for me. I was really attracted, he was really my kind of person, the kind you dream of for years and recognize right away when you meet them. But we were getting nowhere because it seemed that every time we got into a zone together that felt really good, he backed off. So because we were always in a social setting that was not suitable to have a talk, I wrote him a letter, in which I very honestly told him that I liked him, that I wanted to get to know him better and that I wanted to see him outside the social setting we always saw each other in. I gave him the letter in that social setting because there was no other possibility. He read the first half right then and there, not enough to get the full message, he threw away the letter (!), he took me outside and he yelled at me, essentially saying "How dare you do this to me, make me feel good about myself and express interest in me?!"

I saw him a few more times after that. He profusely apologized for having acted like a fool, especially for not reading and then throwing away the letter. He seemed to genuinely regret it, and he kept bringing it up. He said "I know what I did was bad, but it doesn't mean I am a bad person." I left town for a few months. When I came back, I ran into him on a terrace. We stayed together for FIVE HOURS. He asked me all kinds of questions, he seemed to be trying to get to know me and to figure out if we were still good. He also talked a lot about himself, it seemed like he was offering me information so I get to know him better, kind of as though he were saying "This is who I am. Are you still interested?". Three days later, I ran into him again, on the same terrace, and we spent another SIX HOURS together. Near the end of those six hours, he offered to drive me to a cavern with prehistoric paintings in it, and he explicitly said I was going to visit it without him because he's already seen it and he doesn't want to be one more person eroding the cavern. So he was going to wait for me outside. I said yes right away. That was when I gave him my phone number. He added me to his contacts, remembering to spell my name the weird way it is spelled. We agreed that he would call me when his car was repaired. He never called.

About three months later, I ran into him on another terrace. I asked to sit with him. We caught up with each other's lives. I asked him if he tried to call me. He said that he didn't. After half an hour of conversation, and after a few minutes of utter silence, sitting still, pensive, he said "I'm in a relationship with my motorcycle." Then he respectfully took his leave.

The thing is, I know that he really liked me, and he did seem to consider taking things a step further. When we were intimate (and I don't mean sex), we really connected. I'm in love with this guy, and I don't mean desire. I know this would not be a conventional relationship, but that's okay because I am not a conventional person and I just can't do conventional. I know there would be a need for boundaries that are different from boundaries in conventional relationships. I don't mind that. In fact, I believe it might work better than convention. With conventional people, I can see a thousand ways a relationship would not work, but with him, I can only see ways it would work. I am also cautious of getting too close too soon and being too dependent of each other.

There is a place he goes every day. You guessed it, it is a terrace. My only way to connect again with him would be that terrace. Is there any way I can use that to connect, or would any attempt to connect at this point only exacerbate his avoidance of me? He has seen me there a few times. He pretends not to see me, and although I know that might be the cold shoulder, I do have a feeling it might also be anxiety. And if it is anxiety and not the cold shoulder, I don't want to pass up the opportunity. Although he saw me at the terrace, he still doesn't refrain from going there. He might be prepared to turn me off if I speak to him--or he might be waiting for me to make the first step.

Lend me a hand with this, please.
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