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Wow... AVPD sucks.

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Wow... AVPD sucks.

Postby underrepair » Sat Aug 08, 2020 3:30 am

I need to vent. Open to feedback but understand if there isn't any. Basically, I've been going to counseling for a few months and realized how hard it is to discuss certain things with the doctor. What works for me is to write things out and share it then it's already out in the open so it's easier.

Been sober about 3 weeks and in addition to AA, been going to EA, Dual Recovery, Coda, debtor's anonymous, and SLAA.

After my head cleared, I am diagnosing myself with AVPD, BPD, some NPD, and HPD. This specific area being for AVPD, that's what I'll talk about (yes, I was going to get psychiatrist to sign off on my diagnoses, but he had to cancel to get tested for COVID. Guess that'll wait to next week).

I'm in my 40s and APD appears to be part of me until I die.*%*+ !!!
I'm tired of being alone. Dated someone and was engaged for 3 years but that ended. Due to AVPD and not wanting to be alone, I made her my higher power. When that ended, I spiraled back into drinking.

It just seems I am doomed. I was neglected growing up and was ostracized in school (I was just so… weird). Never had a social peer group until I started smoking marijuana. Not saying they were the best of people but it took me until I was 18 to develop any peer interaction skills.

Now, I look at others. In happy relationships, getting out of one but being always able to find someone right after, whatever and feel so hopeless because I apparently called out sick when they were teaching how to interact with potential mates.

I've got it better than some. AVPD doesn't interfere with work, social groups, everyday life, but I just don't seem capable of having anyone interested in me unless they have some serious problems. The few girlfriends I've had were because they initiated it. That's that whole avoiding interaction unless sure if being liked.

Then I find out… haha, jokes on me. I'm ALWAYS going to be this way.

It would help if there were YouTube clips of people that struggled with similar issues and handled them productively. I mean, someone having a YouTube clip of themselves speaking would be a sign they are recovering from AVPD.
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Re: Wow... AVPD sucks.

Postby AArgon » Mon Aug 10, 2020 1:13 pm

underrepair wrote:I'm tired of being alone. Dated someone and was engaged for 3 years but that ended. Due to AVPD and not wanting to be alone, I made her my higher power. When that ended, I spiraled back into drinking.

There is no higher power than the healing power of porn my son. Once I realized that the situation was not so grim anymore.
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Re: Wow... AVPD sucks.

Postby underrepair » Mon Aug 10, 2020 5:54 pm

Preaching to the choir on that one. Haha
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Re: Wow... AVPD sucks.

Postby tmc115 » Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:27 pm

Please read my blogs.

Yes you can recover from AvPD. I would consider myself one of the hardest cases of AvPD there ever was. I was nearly agoraphobic. I got so nervous in front of people it was difficult not to cry or throw up. I was planning my suicide.

Now I have several friends. BEST friends. DEVOTED, LOVING friends. I feel strong and powerful. My whole work environment changed bc I went from being everyone's punching bag to the bada@@ mofo who got it all down. I'm helping others recover too. Helping them find themselves and it's very rewarding.

It took a long recovery. I nearly killed myself doing it. I ended up in the 3rd floor ward for 5 days at one point. It took a lot of tears, patience, practice, and energy. But I did it. It wasn't medications and it wasn't counselors. It was ME. Taking a good hard look at who I am, who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life.
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