Subject(s) absent from therapy

Well. So I really like my CBT, I am extremely grateful to my therapist.

She has helped me a lot and I believe that with her I am able to progress further.

However. There is a subject or an area that falls through cracks. One of my problems, that I suppose is unsurprising for a person with AVPD, is that I have never been in any kind of ‘romantic’ (or whatever you call it) relationship, nor have I ever been in any way close to being in one; never had sex, I’d rather not count what technically could be called ‘kissing’ once or twice (me giving up for a few seconds when a stranger in a club launched a saliva attack). Jesus, I already feel so ridiculous writing this.

As much as I like going places alone, spending time on my own, I am a 30 yo human woman. I wish I was more of a cyborg and didn’t have the needs in this area, but, to quote a tiktok meme, it is what it is. And I have never ever talked about it to anyone, neither to my close friends, nor to my therapist. When I even think of expressing any of the emotions surrounding this subject, I am cringing so bad that I’d rather hide under my bed forever than say a word.

And my therapist never asks about it. I would like her to, I feel like I need to be pushed to talk about it. I tried hinting at it, but I was unable to expose actual vulnerabilities, so I ended up talking about how this is one of the things that awaken my general regret for missing out on many of ‘universal’, ‘human’ experiences and make it hard to talk to people if this subject comes up. This is a problem as well, but can be really waved aside with some other, general issues that I am dealing with – and that’s what happened after several hints like that. I also assume that my therapist might think that dealing with this problem may come as an extension of improving all the key skills such as saying hi to people, small-talking, establishing and maintaining relationships with people, etc. Well, it would be hard to disagree.

This isn’t enough for me though and I am deeply ashamed of that fact at the same time - so I can’t find a way to bring it up. I get that I still need to work on my social skills and reaching the level acceptable for me will take a long time, if it ever happens at all. But I feel there is a mix of thoughts and emotions that needs to be addressed and untangled anyway. This isn’t something that weighs on me every day, but there are moments and periods when both my mind and my body torture me about it unbearably. That’s so pitiful, ugh - it may come for example when a movie or a TV show contains some kind of romantic-ish plot which stings me particularly. Sometimes I bring it on myself, intentionally choosing a lightweight romcom, thinking it will be pleasant to watch, but right after the closing credits start to roll all these crippling emotions come marching in. I guess the fact that quarantine significantly reduced my out-of-the-room activities makes it much more recurring than it was before, that’s why I decided to write this ridiculously long dissertation of an unloved ugly ageing woman.

Do you have any idea how do I signalise to my therapist that it’s not only ok to ask questions about this sphere but also that she can push me when I will be reluctant to give answers (which I 200% will be)? I know this is very stupid, but maybe if you’ve made it this far reading, you also possess some other superhuman powers and have any tips in mind.

Or, have you had any similar experiences?

I don't think it's stupid or ridiculous at all. I am much the same way. Never actually been in a relationship with someone. Wanting it so much, but at the same time, I really, really don't want it.

Stinkus Delicioso wrote:Do you have any idea how do I signalise to my therapist that it’s not only ok to ask questions about this sphere but also that she can push me when I will be reluctant to give answers (which I 200% will be)? I know this is very stupid, but maybe if you’ve made it this far reading, you also possess some other superhuman powers and have any tips in mind.

Or, have you had any similar experiences?

Been in this exact spot. It's not stupid. Honest.

I reached a point with my previous therapist, who I went to for years, where I put a lot of similar thoughts to what you describe into writing to share with him- I'm often far better explaining myself in writing than verbally. I tend to shut down when trying to explain things verbally. And writing it out meant I got a lot of topics out that I never would have, should I have had to verbally say the words.

I did tell him (through writing) it was ok for him to push me for more details when I shut down- and that I wanted him to do that. That I might not be able to elaborate on what I'd written by myself, but I was ok with trying to answer his questions about it. Your therapist may be waiting for you to signal you are ok with wanting to discuss the topics. Mine wouldn't touch certain topics on my list when I wrote about them, because he knew no matter what, I was not going to be able to talk about them- I'd just completely shut down. Realise now that even though I kept saying I was ready to work on them, I wasn't really ready to go there with those topics. I'm starting to feel a little more ok with talking about them now than I was back then. I think it's still going to take me some more time though. I have accepted though that this is a common stumbling block I'm going to come up against with any issues that are harder to talk about.

Definitely not alone though.

Stinkus Delicioso wrote:Well. So I really like my CBT, I am extremely grateful to my therapist.

She has helped me a lot and I believe that with her I am able to progress further.

However. There is a subject or an area that falls through cracks. One of my problems, that I suppose is unsurprising for a person with AVPD, is that I have never been in any kind of ‘romantic’ (or whatever you call it) relationship, nor have I ever been in any way close to being in one; never had sex, I’d rather not count what technically could be called ‘kissing’ once or twice (me giving up for a few seconds when a stranger in a club launched a saliva attack). Jesus, I already feel so ridiculous writing this.

Find a sex therapist maybe. Then the subject will come up naturally.

There are no studies on the prevalence of virginity over 30, but many of the nation's sex therapists report a small, steady stream of older-virgin clients. During 23 years in practice, California psychologist David Johnston says he's counseled 50 middle-aged virgins, collaborating with various surrogate partners. "One was 72. A few have been women.

https://www.salon.com/2003/10/08/virgin_6/

Don't be afraid to bring it up, the therapist needs to know what's on your mind to help you. If she doesn't want to talk about it-find another therapist.

You already brought it up here so that's a good start!

I identify. I just started watching Bates Motel and get into a foul mood when the director wants the viewer to believe ALL the women in town are just irrisistably attracted to NORMAN freakin' BATES! Haha.

Meanwhile, I've stopped trying because I "know" (or convinced myself I know) what'll happen.

Thank you all for the supportive answers, it's actually the 1st time that I read them, I was so ashamed after posting that I couldn't bring up the courage to have a look earlier (even though I know that this forum hosts some of the kindest people on the Internet).

I really like your suggestion, lillyfairy, maybe this is an option to just write it for my therapist to read, I do not seem any closer to be able to just speak about it. Thanks!

You're definitely not the only person in the place to post and run and be scared of what others might say. Hugs.

I also found that emailing what I'd written to my therapist before my session meant I'd send it and there'd be no backsies on it. Otherwise I could sit with it in my bag the whole session and not get bold enough hand it over.

I know some people journal and share their journal entries with their therapist. I write dot points on paper/on my computer as I think of them. I make notes for myself on my phone when I've not got somewhere to write things down at that moment. Find whatever way to get it out that works for you.