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Online chat anxiety

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Online chat anxiety

Postby PainedAvoidant » Mon Jul 22, 2019 8:31 pm

Does anyone else have anxiety about 'chatting' online?

I think it's because I can't see how the other person is reacting, so I worry that I'm being a nuisance. Which makes it difficult keeping in touch with people. Or maybe I'm worried they don't want to keep in touch at all.

It doesn't help that the two people I want to keep in touch with come with extra difficulties. The first person I clicked with straight away. We were always hanging around together at university when she was around, and conversation never required any effort. But she rarely replies to Facebook messages and sometimes doesn't even look at them.

The other is someone I asked out once. She was seeing someone but we still got on well afterwards. She even offered to help look for job vacancies where she was working last year, after I told her I was finding it difficult getting a job. But I brushed that off because I was worried it would make her uncomfortable if I looked for a job where she worked, because I feel like she is one of those people who are just eager to please, even if it isn't something they really want. It's that first and last part - asking her out and being eager to please - that stop me keeping in touch with her.
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Re: Online chat anxiety

Postby lilyfairy » Sat Aug 03, 2019 10:59 am

Yes- for me it's the feeling that I am being a nuisance too. And worrying that they won't want to keep in touch too. Where someone maybe doesn't reply or replies late, I get anxious that I've said something wrong. That said, for the most part I have the same anxiety going on in face to face interactions as well.
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Re: Online chat anxiety

Postby PainedAvoidant » Sun Oct 20, 2019 3:00 pm

Recently I've been talking on Facebook to someone I went to university with a couple of years ago. I asked her out while at uni, but even after that we got on well. Last year I contacted her on Facebook just before our graduation ceremony (which I didn't go to because I couldn't afford it). I asked her how she was doing and about her search for a PhD, she even offered to help me search for a job because I was finding it difficult. At the end of the conversation she said "Don't hesitate to get in touch if you want to talk. It's always great to hear from you." But when I talk to her online it's all one-sided.

She never asks about me or reacts to anything I say about myself. She only ever answers questions.

Now that makes me feel like a nuisance. :(
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Re: Online chat anxiety

Postby JustHelpful » Mon Oct 21, 2019 7:18 pm

I have a slightly different angle on this one that I hope is helpful.

I think being Selfish is given a super bad rap. So a lot of folks end up on the other end of the spectrum where it is easy to speculatively over emphasize a bit in these sorts of situations to fill the gaps (i.e. Time between chat messages etc..., reasons for quick/slow responses etc...).

I might be oversimplifying it a ton but would it be possible to experiment with being purely selfish in your interactions (especially online ones).

For example you reach out to chat with someone you used to know, they are chatty at first but suddenly you find they don't respond promptly or at all. You decide that slow or not responding to chat messages is a pretty annoying quality in another person and of little use to you and determine to seek other avenues outside of that person except where perhaps that person does start chatting again and perhaps looks to have improved.

Also in another example if someone offers you something you find useful (i.e. help finding an open position) you just say yes because it is useful and something you would like and would benefit you. And you do so without any consideration for the other person (i.e. make the assumption if the other person either is flaky which is not useful or doesn't want to which is also not useful then you will just move on).

I know selfishness has gotten a really bad rap but I think what I hear here that you really are a good person and if you are selfish it won't be bad for others just better for yourself (and possibly even better for them too).

I apologize in advance if this isn't helpful, just wanted to share that I think you deserve to put yourself first more in these situations and that other people often do that for themselves and if its ok for them its ok for you too.
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Re: Online chat anxiety

Postby PainedAvoidant » Mon Oct 21, 2019 8:14 pm

I understand what you're saying and it's probably good advice, but that isn't me.

I'm not completely selfless, but I don't like to inconvenience other people. Especially if I feel that they are only being like that because of their own insecurities.

The thought of finding people "useful" makes me feel bad, and I haven't even done anything. :?
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