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Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

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Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby WillIeverchange » Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:43 am

I want to preface this post by apologizing for the rather drab and uninteresting manner that this is written. I struggle with opening up and this is out of my comfort zone.


I am 33 years old soon to be 34. My whole entire life I have been rather shy and socially awkward. For the longest time I just believed that I had social anxiety and that I was a "normal" functioning human being. This absolutely is not the case. I have lived my life going from bad relationship to bad relationship and bad living situation to bad living situation. Even typing this, up until this point, I am second guessing every single line as not being good enough which I often do on social media as well, leading me to not engage with anyone ever. I have a dead end job and have had many due to my sheer lack of motivation and an intense fear of having any kind of results oriented job that may subject me to any modicum of judgement or criticism. I am absolutely a born quitter. I have been unable to maintain a friendship with anyone over an extended period of time. Old friends may check in on me once in a blue but that's about the extent of my friendship with anyone. My biggest fear of all is feeling stupid. One of the very few things that I know about myself is that I am rather intelligent and have decent vocabulary(pretty sad that those are the only positive things I can say about myself), even knowing that, this sense of feeling stupid is quite possibly the most intense emotion and perhaps the only emotion that I feel anymore. Embarrassment to me is absolutely crippling. I avoid literally every single situation imaginable in order to not ever have that feeling again. When I was younger this was a little more manageable but now i have been drifting further and further away from everyone and everything that I once cared about and that cared about me.

I currently have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me very much. She has put up with all my negative characteristics for almost a year now but is finally at her wits end. I try my best to be what I believe a loving boyfriend should be but I just can't be consistent and reliable. She is a great woman and has some qualities that men can only dream about. She is very structured and proper while I am pure chaos. I am squandering everything and I know it but feel helpless to do anything. Unfortunately we are very much intertwined financially and I am completely dependent on her because I pay child support and make literally a pittance after support comes out. This makes me feel completely inadequate as a man and if it wasn't for her I would most decidedly be homeless. She has kept me afloat when my whole entire life has been sinking. She has a son who is a great kid and he looks up to me for some reason. I think he wants my acceptance but I just cannot connect with him. I want to be a positive influence to him but my often debilitating insecurities and closed-offness haven't allowed me to. A fear of showing emotion or tenderness towards him constantly holds me back. Instead he has started to inherit some of my incredibly bad habits like procrastination, becoming somewhat reclusive, apprehensive, and playing video games excessively. I don't know why she loves me but she does. I don't know if I know what true love or happiness is, I know what its supposed to be but I don't know if I can feel it. I have zero sense of myself and do not have any self worth. I often feel like I am just taking up space in the here and now. I don't think about the future. I feel like I am just passing time until the other shoe drops. By my outward appearance I feel like I have a sense of style and look "normal", I try to match and portray myself to the world as a man with confidence and, dare I say it, swagger, while inside I am quite possibly the most sorry excuse for a male possible. The one constant in my life is me trying to live beyond my means. Trying to appear to have wealth while not having a pot to piss in. I have an impulse to spend money regardless of the ramifications even as far as losing my place to live or electricity. This will bring me into my next topic which I have a difficult time talking about and is my go to coping mechanism......drugs.

For awhile alcohol was one of the only ways for me to even remotely come out of my shell. It felt good to not be uncomfortable in every single situation. I actually wanted to be in a social situation for once. I couldn't just drink at home alone so I inevitably would go out to the bar. As you can probably imagine this became an issue very very quickly. I'd already be short on rent and go to the bar and spend every single dime that I had and always say to myself "I'll figure it out" Well, I never figured it out. Not once. I also started blacking out somewhat regularly and making a complete ass of myself. After hearing the stories 2 or 3 times the intense embarrassment and shame stopped me from drinking completely. I smoked weed from the time I was 12 until I was about 24, until i started having panic attacks brought on by me constantly replaying stupid things I've done in my head and feeling that intense feeling of shame so completely overwhelming I had to sedate myself with a bottle of tequila. Most people think weed is no big deal but it was for me. I wasted literally a decade of my life to it. Maybe some people can be responsible with it but I couldn't. So again I completely stopped and haven't smoked again to this day. I wish I was able to take control of myself and stop doing something because I know i need to and not because I have some disorder or more aptly some super self-defeating self-deprecating warped thought process and rationale. Drugs took away my insecurities momentarily and I for once felt normal. This was a fallacy of course but I felt like it helped me. It was from that point on I pretty much didn't meet a drug I didn't like. I still struggle to this day with the urge to be constantly high and not feeling complete without something in my system. The last truly organic conversation that I had with someone was when I was under the influence of oxycodone. Everything else has been me trying to act involved or interested in what other people have to say to me. Constantly yepping and oh wow-ing and nodding. Not having anything at all to add.

So now we enter the area where I start to wonder if I truly have some sort of mental disorder or if I am just a #######5 person. My emotions when it comes to other people (especially the ones closest to me) are literally a brick wall. My whole life could be falling apart and I take it like its nothing. I show utter indifference and can be incredible cold and callous. Especially in previous relationships. I also cannot watch a animal rescue video or inspirational video or faith in humanity restored etc. video without bawling my eyes out and I don't understand the conundrum that is my emotions. One day an oft mercurial shell of a man completely devoid of emotion to the people I should care about to the next day on YouTube and sobbing watching a handicapped athlete overcoming all the odds. And when I say bawling I mean it literally. And my worst possible emotional disconnect or possibly the most tragic is my daughters. They will be 13 years old on this year. I have seen them maybe 3-4 times their entire life. I don't know if they ever wonder about me but I hope that they don't. I bailed on them. At the time I had some excuse and even if i didn't I would have found one. Their mother didn't want me around and put up round blocks every step of the way. I could have pushed through but I didn't because I am a quitter and avoid almost everything in my life that doesn't benefit me directly. My relationship with them became the money that came out of my paycheck and to be perfectly honest as ###$ up as it may sound it made me resent them in some way. I just hope that they are doing well and live life to the fullest. I hope they aren't anything like me. I don't wish this upon anyone.

The way that I have lived my entire life has been dictated by a fear of being judged or humiliated or rejected, even when I knew my actions would be looked upon as irresponsible, or mean, or sad or disrespectful. In my mind the ends always justified the means. I don't even know what the purpose of this post is anymore. Maybe to just get it out there, maybe a feeble attempt to be understood by someone, maybe seeking some tacid approval from someone that I will never know. Perhaps I just know that I'll never change and I will not be a person worth remembering and needed to leave a footnote somewhere that I existed. I was here. I was alone and avoided life instead of embracing it but none the less I was here.


To anyone who read this I appreciate you taking time to read my ramblings as you're one of the very few that know the truth about me.

It took me roughly 2 hours to hit submit, but what's done is done
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Re: Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby Philonoe » Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:53 pm

WillIeverchange wrote:

It took me roughly 2 hours to hit submit, but what's done is done

It's good that you did it, WillIerverchange.

Welcome to the forum.
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Re: Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby Kimdiane3 » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:08 pm

Thanks for sharing and being so open and vulnerable. This doesnt have to be your footprint though. You still have plenty of time to be the person you want to be. You are not happy with who you are and what you are doing. You have to make a decision to take steps to change. So you do t lose your girlfriend and hopefully reconnect with your daughters when you are ready. Seek therapy to understand those feelings and how to overcome them. Your very aware that's the first step. Even with all these feelings we have going on of worthlessness you have to fight those negative thoughts because you do have temendous value and untapped potential. Sometomes its easier to just exist instead of doing something to make our lives better. Good things never come easy but you can do it and you have some loving support. Having someone love you unconditionally is great inspiration and can give you the push you need when your not feeling up to it. But shthat support will only be there for a limited time if you dont start working on you so you can full fill her needs too
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Re: Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby xdude » Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:58 am

A big change is a powerful matter. The way forward will be rocky for a while, but kudos for having the ballz to turn the ship.
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Re: Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby ShaolinMonk » Wed Sep 25, 2019 7:30 am

That is an incredible dissection of yourself.
sheer lack of motivation and an intense fear of having any kind of results oriented job that may subject me to any modicum of judgement or criticism. I am absolutely a born quitter.

When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, perhaps you will find your motivation?

my go to coping mechanism......drugs.

Seems to be a common problem for many. Don't beat yourself up over it, but leave it behind as a lesson learned. It doesn't solve anything.
I also cannot watch a animal rescue video or inspirational video or faith in humanity restored etc. video without bawling my eyes out and I don't understand the conundrum that is my emotions.

The dichotomy of cruelty and kindness.

The way that I have lived my entire life has been dictated by a fear of being judged or humiliated or rejected, even when I knew my actions would be looked upon as irresponsible, or mean, or sad or disrespectful. In my mind the ends always justified the means.

And in the end, there was nothing.

Gordian Knot of the psyche.
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Re: Today was the day I learned about this disorder and myself.

Postby BrokenNotBaD » Fri Nov 22, 2019 2:31 pm

Wow thank you so much for sharing.
Please leave your footsteps in the sand so someone else will know somebody has been down the same path.

I feel your trepidation pressing send button, I have had many moments like that.

Stay away from the Oxycodone, Im personally fighting opiates and have the same diagnosis, we are not alone many many alcoholics / addicts (drugs/sex/work/etc.) have tread this path.

I too have the shell of a 'Man' groomed, even been buff at times, but like you I know its an image, but without that image people won't even acknowledge you, (style over substance initially), so don't lose it, people will know you don't care, even if you don't feel like it fake it.

I know it's hard to see right now but going down the road of addiction, I met many people without children who wish they had, so take solice that one day you probably will be happy you did.

As for lack of feelings followed by release of feelings by triggers your weren't expecting, unfortunately we can only repress things so long, they will come out someway or another. Problem being BPD / APD is our emotions tend to be so intense that we try to shut them out and not control them but be controlled by them.

Anyways you know all this, I really just wanted to say your not alone. Agapé
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