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Ex-Boyfriend w AVPD

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Ex-Boyfriend w AVPD

Postby sleepypretty » Tue Dec 25, 2018 3:39 am

Hi everyone.

My BF and me have been together for 6 months after 6 months to understand each other.
I am 28 and he is 22. I am a professional and he is doing the freelance jobs in movie industry.

Two weeks ago, his suddenly broke up with me after another two week cool off period.
Before the cool off period, we didn't have the fight and actually we did plan to have future. We were doing good in everything (sometimes we had few argue) and sweet even the day before the cool off.

During the cool-off period, he didn't contact me unless I contact him first. His friend told me that my BF had lots of stress, e.g. our relationship making him feel tired, his family, the church and his work.
I was so upset that I am not the one who shared his sadness.

When he requested to separate, he told me he is a useless person. This is not about how much effort he paid, the truth is himself useless. He tried to please everyone but no one appreciate (even me).

Starting from the cool off period, he just stay at home and play PCs and not going to work until now (the fifth week begins) He closed himself to everyone, not willing talk to our church leader, just using Whatsapp. I didn't contact him for 1 week after broke up and started to text him again in the second week. During the conversation, i can feel he wants someone (or me) concern. He told he took the sleeping pills but afterwards he asked me to leave him alone and no need to stand by him anymore.

On last Sunday, I met him in the church again. We both escape from each other and afterwards he found me cry for twice. On that night, he didn't reply my message which i just express my care to him.

I have checked lots of website and found that he has some characteristics of AVPD.
In addition, he had a very poor childhood. His stepfather bit him a lot when he was just 5 years old and many language violence making himself to trust he is rubbish and useless.

Now I want to show him I still care about him and willing to pass the hard time with him. But I am not sure what i should do. I gave him some spaces as per his request before and said I am always here. If you feel better, you can talk to me.
But somehow i know he will not initiate the conversation anymore and he feel regret to me.

I love him and I know this relationship will not be easy as others. But i still want to stay with him.
Some of my friends said he is selfish and me also. but i know the truth is not that. They don't understand how hard he is going through.
Can anyone give me advice (should i reach out? what should i say?)
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Re: Ex-Boyfriend w AVPD

Postby lilyfairy » Tue Dec 25, 2018 10:42 am

No one here can diagnose him. There could be any number of things going on, whether a disorder or just someone not coping with whatever they have going on in their life right now. AvPD is a serious diagnosis that can only be made by a professional.

Re him not telling you first- maybe he felt talking with a friend about it first felt more approachable- I have no idea. You need to talk to him to find that out.

Trying to please everyone will eventually burn anyone out. Disordered or not. And especially if you are someone busting yourself with no appreciation from anyone for your efforts- that really hurts and will make you feel inadequate and used pretty quickly. What to one person seems something everyday, to someone else it can be a massive effort.

If he doesn't want to discuss it you may just need to leave it at that.
"Courage isn't having the strength to go on- it is going on when you don't have the strength." - Napoleon Bonaparte

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Re: Ex-Boyfriend w AVPD

Postby sleepypretty » Wed Dec 26, 2018 3:39 am

I know. To be honest, my final goal is hoping us get back together.
But for now, I just wonder what I should do and what is the right thing to do.

I read lots of articles and someone suggests not to abandon him because he might agree more he is useless because I truly leave him.
But another one said I should give him more spaces.

I hope I can do something. I was one of the person he trust a lot. Because he told me the childhood experience and finally i found no one knows.
Can anyone suggest how to rebuild the trust?
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Re: Ex-Boyfriend w AVPD

Postby skyflyz » Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:44 am

Hi sleepypretty,

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. And I'm sorry to say that it's my opinion that you need to respect what he wants and move on. You have a whole life ahead of you to find somebody that won't require so much effort and distress.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
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