Our partner

Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Avoidant Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: lilyfairy

Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby skyflyz » Mon Aug 06, 2018 5:06 am

As the subject mentions, I used to automatically blame myself when I ran into some unpleasant or embarrassing or otherwise bad situation. I used to automatically blame myself with very critical internal self talk. One day I decided I'd blame others and not myself. So I explored that option for once.

This seems to have been a positive thing. I'm not saying it's an overnight life changer, but I think over years of saying "wait a sec, maybe THEY were wrong" I no longer automatically blame myself. This has led to a better self concept and increased confidence.

This sort of reminds me of a successful tiny bit of CBT that anybody can try.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
User avatar
skyflyz
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1516
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:04 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby lilyfairy » Thu Aug 09, 2018 11:51 am

I saw this article https://au.be.yahoo.com/one-word-barbie ... 23433.html on Yahoo a week or so ago, and realised that they really do have a point. How it's become an automatic response for us to say "sorry" even if we have nothing to apologise for. I know I do it myself. And have probably more than once ended up saying sorry to someone who has actually been the one to hurt me, and that they should have been doing the apologising.

Changing that habit is going to take some time, but to start with just catching myself doing it is the challenge- and realising just how much I do it.
"Courage isn't having the strength to go on- it is going on when you don't have the strength." - Napoleon Bonaparte

Forum Rules
lilyfairy
Site Admin
 
Posts: 10836
Joined: Sun May 08, 2011 10:34 am
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 1:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Fri Aug 10, 2018 7:12 am

Interesting question

It's a big thing in human relations to be able to take responsibility some time and not take some time. And act on it.

I tend to say sorry - it doesn't matter in the public transport. If both say sorry, it's ok.

In closer relations, it's more difficult to sort for me. For the time being i would tend to feel sorry all the time. Sometime for a reason, sometime just for no reason. Not them not me are guilty of something. If i send a message and no answer i think : "what did i wrong" instead of thinking "maybe they are busy or something".

About bigger responsibility, it's important to be able to sort. When i had that job issue, i knew what they did consciously - but couldn't avoid having part of me feeling wrong.

Is it some part of oneself who always looks for the good in the other person?
Philonoe
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2009
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:32 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Iwantfearaway1 » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:09 am

I do the same too. I have APD and I tend to look at the good in others. Im not so good at doing that of myself though. I really started feeling bad about myself as early as 7 th grade. I had alot of bad experiences throughout elementary school. It is nice to think well of others. Good attitude!
Iwantfearaway1
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:55 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:38 am

Iwantfearaway1 wrote:It is nice to think well of others. Good attitude!

It's good... or not :|

It's ok to think bad about them sometimes.


If not, you can't sort. You are lonely with all the bad. You can't move.
Philonoe
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2009
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:32 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:07 pm

I've been thinking about it. It's interesting and big topic.

Sometimes i blame myself too much. I mean : sometimes i'm responsible of something. For instance i lost something or forgot something. Then i'm angry at myself.

I think it's good to be good with oneself too.
Philonoe
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2009
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:32 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby skyflyz » Sun Aug 26, 2018 2:25 am

So here's a nifty example of what I was talking about. And yes, this is ruminations over something that happened so many years ago I seriously shouldn't even be thinking about it. But something clicked and I put 2 and 2 together and realized I was feeling bad about something when I had no reason to.

I had a work friend/acquaintance many years ago who was a big time extrovert. Put him anywhere on earth and he'd find a way to make friends in a flash. Anyhow, one time I was driving somewhere with him in the passenger seat and he was complaining how I drove like a little old lady. I don't remember what I said if anything in response. But I never even thought to dispute this. I figured he was right and I was a terribly timid driver, which was uncool.

So flash forward a bit.. I'm a passenger in his car along with some other people. Suddenly lights come on and he's being pulled over by a cop.. and guess what for. Reckless driving! Yet at the time it never clicked that it was HIM being a reckless driver, not me being an "old lady". Somewhere in the recesses of my brain I had been munching on that, and when the opportunity arose for me to beat myself up again over something that happened ages ago, I realized it was HIM, not me.

OK so this isn't really an AVPD example, but I still wanted to share it because I believe it illustrates the power of allowing yourself to blame others instead of yourself. Now I don't get to beat myself up over that one thing anymore.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
User avatar
skyflyz
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1516
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:04 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Mon Aug 27, 2018 5:38 pm

That's nice example skyflyz.

It's very difficult to remove the blame, for me.

I had such experience :

some family member tells me : "i lent you this years ago. Please can you give it back to me"

I thought : "ew, i don't remember well. Where is it? I should search here and there and here and there..."

They insist. But i had too much work and was overwhelmed...

Then they call me some day, weeks later : "i found some proof that i lent it to an other person"

And ... i couldn't remove from myself the idea that i had to search here and there and here and there... although i never had it :?
Philonoe
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2009
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:32 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby skyflyz » Tue Aug 28, 2018 4:45 am

Philonoe wrote:That's nice example skyflyz.

It's very difficult to remove the blame, for me.

I had such experience :

some family member tells me : "i lent you this years ago. Please can you give it back to me"

I thought : "ew, i don't remember well. Where is it? I should search here and there and here and there..."

They insist. But i had too much work and was overwhelmed...

Then they call me some day, weeks later : "i found some proof that i lent it to an other person"

And ... i couldn't remove from myself the idea that i had to search here and there and here and there... although i never had it :?


Thanks Philone! I bet you never even truly questioned that it had been lent to you, at least not at first. And it would be easy to feel badly for not returning something lent to you.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
User avatar
skyflyz
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1516
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:04 pm
Local time: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:25 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Parador » Tue Aug 28, 2018 2:56 pm

skyflyz wrote:So here's a nifty example of what I was talking about. And yes, this is ruminations over something that happened so many years ago I seriously shouldn't even be thinking about it. But something clicked and I put 2 and 2 together and realized I was feeling bad about something when I had no reason to.

I had a work friend/acquaintance many years ago who was a big time extrovert. Put him anywhere on earth and he'd find a way to make friends in a flash. Anyhow, one time I was driving somewhere with him in the passenger seat and he was complaining how I drove like a little old lady. I don't remember what I said if anything in response. But I never even thought to dispute this. I figured he was right and I was a terribly timid driver, which was uncool.

So flash forward a bit.. I'm a passenger in his car along with some other people. Suddenly lights come on and he's being pulled over by a cop.. and guess what for. Reckless driving! Yet at the time it never clicked that it was HIM being a reckless driver, not me being an "old lady". Somewhere in the recesses of my brain I had been munching on that, and when the opportunity arose for me to beat myself up again over something that happened ages ago, I realized it was HIM, not me.

OK so this isn't really an AVPD example, but I still wanted to share it because I believe it illustrates the power of allowing yourself to blame others instead of yourself. Now I don't get to beat myself up over that one thing anymore.


Good one. I gave up that mindset a long time ago when I was a kid - because the adults around me were total idiots or jackholes. Both my parents were alcoholics. I thought that was normal for a while. I can't remember at what point I figured out how messed up it was. then there were my school teachers... I could go on for a long time about the messed up head games they played.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
User avatar
Parador
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5471
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:54 pm
Local time: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:25 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Avoidant Personality Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: dirtyskeleton, Google Adsense [Bot] and 32 guests