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Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Tue Aug 28, 2018 5:25 pm

Well, I think i tend to blame myself for whatever happens to me.

In that case, how could i question them? It was long time ago and i have much disorder.

I think i have some vulnerabilities (like disorder for instance). If something happens, it can be my fault (because of disorder for instance). I don't think first about their disorder.

Now, sometimes i try - like you said - to relocate the blame sometimes. Or accept some of my issues (anyway, all people have some disorder and some issues)



So when i go out and it rains, sometimes i'll blame the sky instead of blaming myself for not taking my raincoat :)
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby skyflyz » Thu Aug 30, 2018 4:43 am

Philonoe wrote:Now, sometimes i try - like you said - to relocate the blame sometimes. Or accept some of my issues (anyway, all people have some disorder and some issues)


That's a great point Philonoe. Accepting yourself with your flaws and loving yourself despite them is way better than dislocating the blame. If you can do that, you've got it made.

-- Wed Aug 29, 2018 9:48 pm --

Parador wrote:
Good one. I gave up that mindset a long time ago when I was a kid - because the adults around me were total idiots or jackholes. Both my parents were alcoholics. I thought that was normal for a while. I can't remember at what point I figured out how messed up it was. then there were my school teachers... I could go on for a long time about the messed up head games they played.


I'm sorry that happened to you Parador, it really sucks. But one thing I'll say is that I agree you don't have a problem placing the blame where it deserves to be. It's funny too how messed-up things seem normal when you deal with them every single day.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby naps » Fri Aug 31, 2018 9:20 pm

skyflyz wrote:So here's a nifty example of what I was talking about. And yes, this is ruminations over something that happened so many years ago I seriously shouldn't even be thinking about it. But something clicked and I put 2 and 2 together and realized I was feeling bad about something when I had no reason to.

I had a work friend/acquaintance many years ago who was a big time extrovert. Put him anywhere on earth and he'd find a way to make friends in a flash. Anyhow, one time I was driving somewhere with him in the passenger seat and he was complaining how I drove like a little old lady. I don't remember what I said if anything in response. But I never even thought to dispute this. I figured he was right and I was a terribly timid driver, which was uncool.

So flash forward a bit.. I'm a passenger in his car along with some other people. Suddenly lights come on and he's being pulled over by a cop.. and guess what for. Reckless driving! Yet at the time it never clicked that it was HIM being a reckless driver, not me being an "old lady". Somewhere in the recesses of my brain I had been munching on that, and when the opportunity arose for me to beat myself up again over something that happened ages ago, I realized it was HIM, not me.


A change in perspective can do a lot for your well-being and self-esteem.

Parador wrote:Good one. I gave up that mindset a long time ago when I was a kid - because the adults around me were total idiots or jackholes. Both my parents were alcoholics. I thought that was normal for a while. I can't remember at what point I figured out how messed up it was.


I can. I was at my friend's house for dinner. His parents creeped me out because they were always talking to me, asking me questions. It reminded me of the way my mother would ask me about stuff when she was actually mining for something to yell at or punish me for. So all through the dinner I sat quietly, listening and observing, trying to figure out what was wrong with his parents.

Later, walking home, it hit me that maybe my parents were the ones who were ###$ up. As soon as I looked at it that way, it all fell into place. I figured that all the parents I had encountered where like acting like TV parents, but as soon as the doors closed and the cameras shut off, they became chaotic monsters. That was the first and probably greatest epiphany of my young life.

So again, it's all about perspective.
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Parador » Mon Sep 03, 2018 3:45 pm

naps wrote:I can. I was at my friend's house for dinner..


I remember that happening to me. Not that they asked me questions or anything. They just didn't get falling down drunk. I just figured they did it after I left.

naps wrote:It reminded me of the way my mother would ask me about stuff when she was actually mining for something to yell at or punish me for. So all through the dinner I sat quietly, listening and observing, trying to figure out what was wrong with his parents.

Yeah - I remember THAT treatment. The teachers and administrators did that. I remember the defense I found was spewing a bunch of crazy talk. One day I insisted that I could fly to the Principal. And I remember telling the assistant principal that my head fell off one night.
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby naps » Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:10 pm

Parador wrote:
naps wrote:I can. I was at my friend's house for dinner..


I remember that happening to me. Not that they asked me questions or anything. They just didn't get falling down drunk. I just figured they did it after I left.


Until my little epiphany sunk in, I used to think other parents were annoying. How was school? Did you do your homework? Where are you off to? The one that really perplexed me was what do you want for dinner?. My mother made dinner only a few nights a week. Some nights she's make a nice meal, but only for herself. And I wonder why I'm so selfish.

Yeah - I remember THAT treatment. The teachers and administrators did that. I remember the defense I found was spewing a bunch of crazy talk. One day I insisted that I could fly to the Principal. And I remember telling the assistant principal that my head fell off one night.


I quickly learned that teachers and counselors were agents for my parents so I clammed up with them. When I finally gathered the courage to tell my mother I was being bullied at school, her response was "No you're not." I was a little kid. I believed her. So I started to think I deserved it.

My parents sent me to my first psychiatrist when I was fourteen. He had this big, gloomy office with wood paneling. I think I maybe said two words to him. I wish I had known then how many psychiatrists and therapists I'd end up seeing in the future. I could have gotten a jump start on my therapy.

But I was afraid anything I said to him would get right back to them. And I was right.
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Philonoe » Thu Sep 06, 2018 7:55 am

This thread is extremely interesting

Just some comment back to the beginning of discussion :

This morning i receive a stressful phonecall. I get higher tension and can't concentrate.

So what. In my mind i can blame them for interrupting me in my job. But so what. It's their fault. But what can i do about them.
I just have power on me. I can find ways to protect myself better or to relax.

Although the problem is maybe their side, the consequence is my side.
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Re: Blaming Others Instead of Yourself

Postby Iwantfearaway1 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 3:36 am

Philonoe wrote:
Iwantfearaway1 wrote:It is nice to think well of others. Good attitude!

It's good... or not :|

It's ok to think bad about them sometimes.


If not, you can't sort. You are lonely with all the bad. You can't move.


So true, it is ok to be able to know when someone is intentionally being rude to me. The word lonely you used is correct in how one feels with this disorder. My problem is I think at times when I'm socialising that they think I'm stupid and I know it is the disorder but I doubt it at times. I know I'm not. I am a RN and I did well in college. So hard to keep the thoughts sorted correctly.
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