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Posting in AvPD- nons please read this first

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Posting in AvPD- nons please read this first

Postby lilyfairy » Fri Jun 02, 2017 1:30 pm

The AvPD forum is here for both those with the disorder and nons- whether they be friends, family, co-workers or someone in a relationship with someone with AvPD. There is no need for someone to have a formal diagnosis to be able to post here. At the same time, no-one here on the forums can give a diagnosis. We do ask those without the disorder who are enquiring about someone else to keep the following things in mind. Respectful questioning is welcome- posts may also be moved to the Significant Others Friends and Family Forum where appropriate.

Some points to note though... (Thanks goes to Snookiebookie for putting this list together)
*Relationships are hard. They require work and effort. They are subject to a gazillion factors from both parties. They can sometimes seem hard work and unrewarding. But at times they can be uplifting and amazing...even healing and life affirming.
* At times all people can be dysfunctional
* Just because your partner is dysfunctional does not mean that they have AvPD or any PD.
* People with AvPD do not choose to be this way. This how they have been shaped, this is how they cope. Their behaviors are natural and automatic. They are not being awkward or difficult. They are not indulging in game playing either.
* It is possible for some people with AvPD to have relationships, some even in long term relationships.
* AvPD is long term, possibly permanent, condition. It is likely to always be a factor in a relationship.
* Understanding your partners AvPD can help reduce the problems it causes in a relationship.
* You are unlikely to ever substantially change your partners behavior - therefore you will need to be tolerant and understanding.
* There will be times that the AvPD symptoms will be too much for the AvPD sufferer to overcome. You need to be aware of this and make allowances a those times.
* All relationships, including those with 'normal' people are tough and have difficulties. There has to be tolerance and give and take on all sides.
* AvPD suffers cannot, and do not, expect it all their way. With time and understanding they can attempt to reduce their triggers and symptoms to meet their partner half way. But this has to be done carefully so not to cause more harm and set off more triggers
* There are different degrees of AvPD. Some people find any relationship intolerable. Some have many relationships.
* AvPD can be in flux. Just because someone has had a meaningful or lasting relationship in the past does not mean they will be able to do so in the future. The opposite is also true.
* By and large AvPD sufferers want to be engage with people. We just fear having another negative reaction. I want to be the life and soul of the party, have many friends, be liked and be popular. But I simply find I close down. This can lead to misleading signals being given and people never really seeing the real me.
* AvPD sufferers have most likely had very negative relationships in their life, possibly from as early as childhood. It is possible that they are the way they are due to those relationships. They fear further hurt and rejection. They are always on the look out for repeated negative reactions. They expect this to happen to them. This is why they may pull away at times.
* AvPD sufferers may care very deeply and understand why you are upset, but when triggered it is difficult for them to think logically, or think how you think.
* AvPD sufferers may pull away, seemingly for no reason. There is a certain amount of push and pull involved. They may really want you, but are scared of being hurt or triggered. They are feeling conflicted.
* AvPD sufferers have many positive traits and qualities.
* As in any relationship, you cannot 'cherry pick' the positive parts of a person. You take the good and the bad.
* If the bad traits outweigh the good, then you must decide if the relationship is worth continuing. This applies to all relationships. However, there are numerous factors at play, and it is not always practical or possible to end a relationship.
* Some times, as in any relationship, one or both parties find the situation intolerable and it fails. This is always hard for all involved. It is usual for there to be recriminations and micro analyzing what went wrong.
* Where the split was a result of one party it is usual for the other party to feel injured but also crave to fix the relationship. Sometimes this is not always possible.
* It is never possible to fix a relationship by fixing the person with AvPD. Most AvPD sufferers would dearly love to fix themselves and probably has had many attempts at treatment and self help.
First rule of mental health: Learn to distinguish who deserves an explanation, who deserves only one answer, and who deserves absolutely nothing.

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