AvPD and self-confidence

People who are very lonely and shy are said to have low self-esteems, and it is often said that the key to solving this problem is feeling better about oneself; in so far that self-esteem is not derived externally from other people.

It sounds fine and dandy, but how does this fly when the ONLY reason I have any desire to socialize is to ease the feelings of being lonely? Outside of what social interaction does to ease my emotions, I have no use for it and I don't get anything out of it. This is particularly hard when social interaction generally requires being content with oneself - because if I felt good about myself, I wouldn't have any need or desire to be social, and thus it wouldn't be a part of my life or something that I would be so frenetic in going after.

Social interaction is something I go after in the sense of it being a "fix" rather than something I genuinely enjoy. I go after it not because I like being social, but because I am painfully lonely if I don't have it.

I post it here in this forum because I am an avoidant who struggles with this dilemna. I spend most of my time alone, very scared of what people think of me, and so on and so forth.

I don't have the same feelings -- not the part about only wanting social interaction to avoid loneliness, but not enjoying the socializing itself. I think I can identify with everything else you say.

My self-esteem rises when I feel like someone wanted to spend time with me. I wish I could get a couple of people to take turns boosting my morale that way.

Is there anything that you notice does make you feel good about yourself? Doing well at your job or in school, succeeding in some recreational activity, a hobby that particularly gives you satisfaction, volunteering -- is there anything like that, or could there be if you tried? Maybe you could increase your self-esteem some other way than social interaction.

Firogas, thanks for sharing. Here are some of my thoughts...

I don't think there is anything unhealthy about wanting to socialize as a way of feeling better. I think social interaction helps keep us happy, we are made that way. Sort of like wolves, which thrive in packs but opposed to say, muskrats, which are made to be quite solitary except for breeding. But we human species are made to be in community. We can survive in isolation, but we are best suited to be in community. That's what I think, anyway, it seems pretty obvious to me.

I also think socializing as a way to build up confidence is worthwhile and normal too. And at the same time, we need a balance of solitary time and social interaction.

About self-esteem, I like what I've been reading by REBT founder, Albert Ellis. He believes we should eradicate the whole idea of self-esteem completely. I find it quite liberating to do so.

Ellis argues that when we are caught up in building our self-esteem, what we are doing is making it dependent upon outside factors: what others think of us, what our accomplishments are, what we look like, etc. The trouble is, the idea of self-esteem is so indefinable that we are never secure in it while we base it on these external factors. We will live in constant anxiety that at any time these things can be taken away from us, and then we will be left with no self-esteem. Therefore, we really have no control over our self-esteem this way.

Instead, Ellis asserts that our worth is based on whether we are still alive and breathing. If so, then we are fully worthwhile human beings. We can do good or bad things and learn from them, but those never affect our intrinsic worth.

We can have esteem or confidence in our abilities, or talents. But it is better if we do not use these things to measure our worth as human beings. It's much easier to have self-acceptance - and other-acceptance for that matter - when the only requirements are that we are still alive and breathing!

Instead, Ellis asserts that our worth is based on whether we are still alive and breathing. If so, then we are fully worthwhile human beings. We can do good or bad things and learn from them, but those never affect our intrinsic worth.

I'm liking this Ellis guy more and more everyday trence ! I'm breathing, therefore I'm a worthwhile, productive person today yay!

trence wrote:About self-esteem, I like what I've been reading by REBT founder, Albert Ellis. He believes we should eradicate the whole idea of self-esteem completely. I find it quite liberating to do so.

Anyone familiar with this:
http://saito-therapy.org/english/index.htm

I suppose it's just about accepting yourself as you are, but it also seems to require giving up hope of changing.

Summing up that page on saito therapy:
Forget that which you call fear, and fear no longer what you have just forgotten.
Thats my read on it anyway...Looks very effective really..