Our partner

Being independent intellectual from a young age?Wall of text

Autism message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Being independent intellectual from a young age?Wall of text

Postby 2muchsigh » Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:49 pm

I never really had any big social issues, i knew how to work with the moronic society and its standards so it was easy for me to go unnoticed when i wanted that, but i was always very different, knew that, and i was proud of it because i was able to see so many things wrong with the people around me and it felt great not being them, but since someone mentioned that some things could be related to some light autism(I kinda lowkey thought about it before but never really cared much because i thought it isnt even something important) i started thinking and would like to know if anyone has any similar experiences, I am not looking for a diagnosis, asked my therapist to see if she has a test or a specialist to contact because i am curious now, not that it would change much, I really find most of the behaviors related to it to be good, but it would be something useful to know. Well let's start:

Since i was a kid i was very independent intellectually which always made me see others as kind of idiots, like for example even as early as elementary school there was a big push to believe brain dead comments like "Greece is da best country in da world, Turkey is evil " even by goddamn teachers, while me as a damn KID knew nationalism was retarded because the achievements of others or more specific ancient Greeks did not belong to me or any of those teachers/students even though they kept obsessing about them as if they were responsible for those. Other stuff included like a cultural obsession with football teams where literally everyone around me was obsessed with it including adults, and even worse it was clear it was bad because they would use the word "we" when their team would win and "they" when they would lose once again trying to steal someone else's achievement for feel better for themselves.
And my relationship with my mother(father was often away at work) was also pretty terrible because she would continuously try to control me and force her idiotic norms on how to dress, how to behave, how to talk "normally" or be obedient to moronic adults, always of course excusing everything she did with the "doing it for your benefit" even though she was the type to lash out for her own personal issues.(Which made me pretty much hate her, a lot)
And this "analyzing" behavior by me never really stopped, i would keep noticing very bad and unhealthy psychological behaviors on others the more i grew up and the more i analyzed what they said and their actions the more i disliked them, which of course led me to see others around me as idiots, of course i would never say that to their face, there would be no benefit to that, i could even casually chat to kill time or talk about topics with them i was interested in when we were forced to be on the same place(if i wasnt trying to sleep on the desk during breaks) like school etc, but once it was over i would gtfo asap back to my home.
In general, i had 0 emotional connections with these people that i show as dumb because they had bad behaviors aka red flags, that includes people i would see daily and even parents/relatives, especially relatives who pissed me off by acting all friendly and close like they knew me even though we pretty much never see each other.
Like it wouldnt matter much to me if they died outside of the inconvenience it could cause(As much as i wanted my mother to be gone the issues it would cause would be annoying) because i just didnt care, they were idiots or useful idiots that benefited me so i had to pretend to be ok with them.
Yet sadly, even though i never had any goals for life, i like never wanted to be rich or rly do something, what i kinda wanted secretly was a strong emotional attachment/love etc and nothing else from life, but you cant find that when everyone around you is a damn moron, i would spend a lot of time trying to find similar people to me as i grew up mostly by just posting as authentically me as possible posts hoping someone would like something and notice, i did that in many types of forums, gaming, furry, LGBT and even the anonymous kind but always without exception sooner or later would end up getting completely uninterested by the people or having big disagreements with mods and site rules i found stupid and would either leave or get banned(Sometimes at some point i would just get fed up of their idiocy and just bait them or annoy them for my own amusement because they were so ######6 easy to control by a damn online post which shouldn't be possible). I pretty much always refused to conform to what i considered dumb, like there was always some site "culture" that would make most posters act or behave in a specific way and i hated that, i wanted to be ME so i can find other people like me, those idiots that threw away their individuality just to be accepted as a "part of the group" and feel they belonged somewhere annoyed me because it always made me feel like "why are people all over the world such morons".

I just kept growing up after that, got a degree, got a job and i was pretty good socially and pretty confident in my abilities and my beliefs, like i would pretend to be ok with people i didnt like including superiors and many times everyone would like me and be very satisfied with my work or called me smart, even co workers of the same rank but that meant nothing to me because they didnt know the real me, and i couldnt tell them about the real me when they were so clearly normal, i would do incredibly silly things i like such post furry art everywhere in my office or any unofficial documents, i would act pretty weird like body movement wise because i wanted to show how much i was different in hopes someone sees something but as they were normal, they simply show it as eccentricity which they didnt bother changing because my work benefited them. (Which was a positive because i ######6 hate being forced dress, act, behave like everyone else)

Anyway next we move to the other part which is attachment, there have been 4 people in life i got attached to, first 3 were morons and i blame how my feelings can blind me at those times from getting rid of them sooner, but it always started with me liking them as friends slowly and then something happening and showing me they cared which lead to me getting extremely attached. I mean extremely attached, the kind where they kinda become the most important thing in your life, you try to be there at any time, spend as much time with them as possible and you would literally do anything for them if they asked, of course that has negatives, like when they are busy or sleeping you start feeling like $#%^, it could feel like you didnt speak for days when you notice how the last message he send was 2.5 hours ago lmao, it would just feel extremely lonely(even though i did not feel that when not attached) and often depressed, and if i noticed something wrong in their daily activity i would either worry for their safety or have incredibly insecure thoughts of the type "he doesnt care/love you", "he has better people to spend time with", "he got tired of you" which usually lead to a cycle of feeling terrible, me telling them, them having to reassure me repeatedly until they got tired or fed up(well that was the case for the 3rd person, person 1/2 had other issues not related to me much).
Which kinda made me realize how clingy i become, which would make sense in a way when they are literally the only person on the planet i care about, i would literally wish they could be here with me 24/7 which is impossible and how i would need literally continuous reaffirmation that they cared and tell me of any change is schedule which is kinda too much for most people, luckily the 4th person ended up being creepily similar to me, so much so that he had the same neediness to chat and we could both whine about idiots(the amount of times we said "exactly" to each other's whining is scary) which lead to me surprisingly stay in touch with him for like 4 years now which i ve never done before, and because i ended up having to go through some hard times, like realize being trans and having to deal with an uncertain future his emotional support meant a lot, which of course as usual led to me getting too attached :l, luckily this time that person understood because he was pretty much literally having the same issues and i was literally able to tell how i feel about everything including this one without him getting weirded out or annoyed, instead he understood me completely because he has the same thing with certain people which made me feel a lot more secure about this emotional attachment not being wrong unlike the previous ones. (And he apparently found out he was in the autism spectrum sometime ago, even though he also doesnt have any big social issues, and now that someone mentioned that about myself it got me thinking.)

But again, its not like he can be there 24/7 and sadly since he lives that far away it is easy for me to feel meh here even though i plan on moving there in a year, i always knew i wasnt compatible with pretty much 99% of the people of this planet and was fine with it when i wasnt attached, but sometimes that feels sad when im in this mood, and usually even if i can chat with someone there's a number of things that usually would push them away yet i cant change because they are me like:
-Hate and whining about idiots, their behavior and how ###$ the world is, people dont feel comfortable if someone openly hates something or goes against the norm by saying how dumb small talk or other social behaviors are because they are fake or meaningless.
-Extreme clingyness or just wanting to keep talking but will not make many attempts if they stop answering often or just throw one liners which clearly means they dont care.
-Not fitting in literally anywhere, from identities because there would always be idiots everywhere to even politically, against right wing cuz they are completely conformists, center being retarded inaction or upholding a broken status quo, left i agree one some things but again i cant be myself because i cant openly hate something or say i find the vast majority of straights to be trash because they were raised in a society that pandered to them and therefore never really had to think must and accepted its influence without even thinking most of the time.
-If i notice a societal influence on someone it kinda gives me a huge red flag, like minorities who hate themselves and it is so clearly they only do that because society told them its bad and they should have never accepted that bs.


Other small things that could be related
-Be so stressed of future unknown situation i ll have to create multiple scenarios of what others might say, think etc so i can have ready replies because i worry if they surprise me i ll freeze or do something that would attract unwanted attention.
-Literally stress myself to death for something that is like a year away but is very important, repeatedly think about it until it depresses me even though i could not do much at the moment.
-Very organized and love scheduling and can get mad if someone changes it
-Always try to be early at an appointment even if it means i have to wait 10-20 minutes
-Dislike being touched by randos, wont show any discomfort, usually will just try to casually walk away so they latch off but the feeling can be intense if they like try to hug and not let go fast.
-Anyone calling me friend will piss me off instantly because they arent my friend, they dont know me, and i hate the culture that tells people to go to other's face and say dumb stuff like "hey friend"
-My mother sometimes whines about not always understanding me because i "talk too fast"
-I noticed how oftentimes i try to end the sentences of people i talk to, therapist, career advisor, anyone at work etc
2muchsigh
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 07, 2019 1:01 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 10:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Return to Autism Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests