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Am I autistic? Please help.

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Am I autistic? Please help.

Postby hatelife888 » Sun Aug 19, 2018 9:09 pm

I am a 22 year old man that has just graduated from college. Recently I have begun thinking that I may be suffering with high-functioning autism. I was born very prematurely and barely spoke as a child. I was so anxious I didn't want to speak to anyone. As I grew older into high school I was labeled as the shy quiet kid because socializing was unbearable to me. I have never felt comfortable socially, I never know what to say, how to convey my thoughts, or what is socially appropriate. I never feel relaxed around other people. In college I tried to branch out a bit but by my senior year I was a complete loner and exhausted. Getting assignments done was so hard for me and managing my time and energy was nearly impossible. Somehow I graduated. I always feel like there is this wall between me and everyone else. I cannot get close to other people and it has become very taxing on me. I have been to countless therapists and on antidepressants to treat my "depression" and "anxiety" but nothing has ever improved.

Recently, I have also been exploring my sexuality. I have found that I am more attracted to guys than girls. I have tried so hard to get close to people romantically but I just cannot. I dated someone for a while and I had thoughts of loving him but I just couldn't properly feel it or communicate it. I also found that during sexual experiences, I was very sensitive to certain things. Certain things that I know are typically meant to feel good certainly did not. Kissing my neck was painfully uncomfortable. Receiving oral sex could turn from feeling good to feeling incredibly uncomfortable in a second. I couldn't be intimate enough for the guy I was seeing and I know I broke his heart. I have always been afraid of sex because I can never seem to perform. When me and him were going to have sex, I ejaculated into the condom before I even attempted to have sex with him. I was so embarrassed because I barely get fully erect and ejaculate within 30 seconds sometimes. He teased me about it and I was so ashamed. Even when I masturbate I ejaculate in just a few seconds and I have never known why this is. This is another factor getting in the way of a healthy relationship.

Some of my sensory issues include being uncomfortable being hugged (especially when my back is being patted, makes me want to punch the person hugging me), touching chalk, hearing chewing noises, and jumping more than those around me at loud or unexpected sounds. When i was younger, I could not tolerate fireworks or the flush of an automatic toilet. Even to this day sometimes these sounds are too much for me. I used to get help from a therapist for overstimulation as a child, as my mom said I would often get overstimulated and just shut down. All of these factors are leading me to believe that autism could be suspected. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy because I am always so exhausted and part of me thinks I am just constantly overstimulated.

So, where am I right now? In my room, tired and miserable. I have grown to absolutely hate myself and I believe that it is because I have never understood myself for the 22 years of my life. I have always compared my struggles socially to others, because it always seems so easy to everyone else when it is seemingly impossible for me. Right now I am unemployed and completely without motivation in my life. I have no release for my feelings of sadness and anger. I am in love with somebody too, somebody that is slipping away from me because I cannot show him love. I am in pain, filled with shame and self hate. I NEED HELP. Advice.

Do you think this could be autism? Do you have any advice on how to seek treatment or opinions? Please please please tell me what you think by commenting. I welcome any help. Thank you so so much in advance. This is kind of life or death, because right now I am barely living life, and I am dead inside. Thanks again.

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Re: Am I autistic? Please help.

Postby YesAnastasia » Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:14 pm

I'm so sorry no one has replied. This was back in August, how are you getting on now? Better, worse?

It does sound like you're on the spectrum. Do you speak to your parents about it? What do they think? Has anyone said anything to you that has stuck in your head for whatever reason?

What motivates you? What do you love? Enjoy researching, talking about, thinking about?

I can help if you'd like to talk more - I hope this reaches you x
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Re: Am I autistic? Please help.

Postby 404030 » Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:19 am

hi. i'm a 21 year old man with "high functioning" autism, diagnosed at 17.

no one here can really answer definitively whether or not you're on the spectrum, unfortunately... i strongly suggest asking a doctor or a psych person. if you tell them what you posted, i believe they will at least give you the test to get a diagnosis because what you described about anxiety and energy and social problems is the same thing i described to my psych person and that's what happened?

however, i understand the desire to find comparisons for your own behavior, so i wanted to point some things out i saw:

i didn't even get to college, like a lot of the other autistic people i know, but i know some who did and they were overwhelmed by the task management issues in a similar way you described.

i can relate to nearly all of your post. i still routinely struggle and argue with my partner of three years because of my fear of intimacy. i am constantly "extra self aware" around others. my (few) friends know to ask before touching me and that i never do hugs. automatic toilets make me want to die. my sister is also autistic, although "low functioning", and she is the same way.

i think that hitting our twenties is really a rough time for a lot of people with "high functioning" autism, because we are just now beginning to realize the social difficulties we are having now that we are exploring independence and our peers are more clearly functioning better than us...

being gay doesn't help either. i can't speak for you, but being transgender has caused a lot of social issues in my life based around others' lack of understanding... and if there's anything autistic people don't need it's more misunderstandings, or more reasons to feel alienated. it's just another barrier to be communicated through and communicating sucks.

that said, if you are autistic, don't worry. there's people out there who will get you. i'm still working on that, but just seeing how much my relationships with others have improved since my diagnosis simply by being mindful... don't lose hope on yourself or your life out of isolation.
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