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I just want to understand my AS BF

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I just want to understand my AS BF

Postby TheresaHeckman » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:06 pm

My boyfriend was recently diagnosed with Autism, though he's known for a while that he was different from his family and friends. We've been dating for 6 months and my kiddo and I moved in with him 3 months ago; I left my friends, family and support system an hour away to be with him. I have severe anxiety, so you know he was worth it to take such a big leap of faith.

I've always seemed to attract AS guys because of being open minded and never putting them down for their quirks and obsessions. I've always been extremely supportive of hobbies and lifestyles (as long as no one got hurt and they were legal) and honestly don't mind hearing the same stories over and over again. I've been told to be evaluated because I show strong signs of being on the spectrum myself, which may explain my tolerance towards Autism.

Also, my apologies in advance because I do ramble and I can make a novel out of a simple question.

I know 'boy' Autism and 'girl' Autism seems to be a big thing lately which is why I've slowly come to accept that I should be evaluated, I didn't quite fit the standard model of Autism until I did research on female Autism and went "Holy poop...this..this...this...this." So needless to say, I figured since I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum (and I'm going to get evaluated once my new insurance kicks in) that a relationship with someone on the spectrum just makes sense.

Well, it kind of doesn't make sense. I love this guy completely and I guess he loves me back? I know he appreciates that I don't hassle him about his obsessions, I don't demand affection and I cook, clean and take care of him. I guess that's love? I feel more like I'm just a space filler, like...he's a 35 year old male, so it's expected that he has a significant other so now he has one. Problem solved.

I feel so lonely within the relationship because he's more interested in competing in card game tournaments, hanging out with his friends and playing video games. I want more affection, I want more sex, I want more time with him and it's getting to the point I've cut myself off emotionally from him because self induced loneliness is less painful. I have no friends in the area because I moved an hour away so when he goes off to play in tournaments on the weekend, it's like...well...I guess I'll hang out with the dog (who by the way gets WAY more affection).

I've brought up the issue in the past but due to my own ability to figure out my emotional states and growing up where I was shamed for wanting my needs met (took me years to realize how abusive my mother was because she didn't hit me...often) I don't know how to ask for my needs to be met. He SAYS that I can ask him anything and make demands and he won't be upset, but the few times I did I either completely screwed it up or he isn't quite as open minded and motivated to change himself as he claims to be.

So long story short (and believe me THIS is short for me) I guess I just want to know how to approach him so he doesn't think I'm attacking him (I'm very gentle and hate conflict and fighting, so I always approach as kindly as possible) and if this is actually going to work out. I need more emotional support than I think he's capable of giving and that worries me because I want us to work, but I don't want to spend me life depressed and lonely for a guy.
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Re: I just want to understand my AS BF

Postby Marv1 » Mon Sep 11, 2017 6:49 pm

Hi Theresa. Im not sure if I can be of any help regarding understanding your boyfriend better but I do recognize a scary amount of your description in myself.
I was diagnosed with Asperger (or "autism spectrum disorder" as it's called nowadays) 2 years ago.
At that point I was hozpitilized due to depression and a pretty dark time in my life.
In that time i ended up doing an evaluation and got diagnosed with Aspberger.

In short words i wanted to change my life after that and did what goes kind of against my every feelings. I got together with a girlfriend. This is something very new to me and I only ever tried it once if it can be called that. the first time was more of an exploration of youth.
So far in life I always considered myself as a hopless case for an relationship, that is was impossible to live together with someone.
I get tierd extremely fast when around people and can easily crash if exposed to much, so getting together with someone seemed like a self harming idea or at least so in my mind.
But this person I ended up with is someone I knew from long time back and had time to get to know and spend time with as a friend in previous years and I wanted a change in my life, to truly try out how far I can go.

I am still together with the person since two years back, she moved in together with me a year ago and we lived in a apartment since then.
My constant battle is as I feared my exhaustion with the constant precence of someone, and not to mention sex.
My frist words when we got together was to explain very clearly two things. I NEED lone time a lot and cannot live without it. Second don't have any kind of sex lust but am prepared to try it for the sake of relationship. (I had sex once in my whole life before that conversation)

So we do have some issues. One is that I have a hobby wich I can spend 8 hours without break on. During this time I don't like to talk through any kind of app or phone. I want to zone out into my own place and feel alone.
Second is I fear I still don't really get any kind of sex urge myself. I can go without sex forever and feel just fine but my sambo on the other hand does not feel so.
She does want sex a lot and its always awckward to say no. For me I do try to be considerate and even though I don't have an urge I can still do the act and have some enjoyment out of it.
But I can see a difference in our minds as she likes to keep lying in bed and be romantic while as soon as I am finnished I tend to move on and I forgett the "sexy mood" after 5 seconds.

In my point of view I need my crazy amount of "free time" doing hobby or games. For me it's necceccary to get my lone time and charge up from exhaustion. Work and realtionship tends to tire me a lot more than it does to other people and I am very sensative to stress.
I guess your boyfriend might feel the same way I do ?

In any case you need him to change at least a bit as I understand. We have tried to be clear about thigns and set up a kind of schedule to make things work.
In our relationship we agreed I need and can have at least 3 days where I spend time with either hobby or friends. During that time I tend to be away pretty much all day if I work.
The other days we spend time together.
I found it helps to make things clear as it avoids many arguments. Maybe this helps you.
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