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Very and increasingly depressed

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Very and increasingly depressed

Postby OldFashioned » Sat Apr 08, 2017 4:51 am

OK, the 2 last ones I posted didn't post properly and one was almost novel length. I just wasted 45 minutes of my life. I'll try to write the lite version:

This should be on the depression forum but I am autistic so I'll post it here. I have always been melancholically depressed, then in 2014 a coworker died in a serious car crash, then I was forced to work with this abusive coworker, then my dad died and my sister and I found his body, then my dog died, then my supervisor who I was close to died. The melancholy turned into this sharp depression and now it's back to melancholy. Each time this happens the melancholy deepens. It's pretty deep right now and that was over 2 years ago.

My life is so depressing:

- My job is a trap. I am up at 5:30 am and come home at 5pm. I am always exhausted but I'm too scared to change my job or follow my music/art/writing passions. I am too scared to go back to uni and do art or music teaching. My friend laughs at me saying that i always say I'm going to leave but never do anything about it. I feel so stupid. She rang up and said this this morning, this is why I got on this forum. I can't take it anymore.

-But I hate my weekends too. All I do is housework and have no energy or motivation for writing novels, singing in my choir or painting anymore. i used to do these things like a machine. Now all I do is drink or mope around and sometimes even wonder how I am going to kill myself. I have a childrens book sitting next to me that I was illustrating before. Instead, I'm spending my weekend on this forum.

-I joined a netball team because I used to play netball and loved it. I am 28 and everyone else is 18-20. The coach never lets me play any games and changes training times/grounds without telling me.

-My mum is seeing someone for the first time since my dad died. My dad was super controlling of me, but I'm finding this really hard. I am a really self centred/selfish person and now instead of asking me how my day was mum just talks about this guy. he also used to work with me and he was really horrible.

-I am unable to be in any sort of relationship, I just see it as if some big barrier is in the way. I have sensory issues with touch, I have been abused before and have vaginismus, I have too many stupid paraphilias, and I am bi. If I ever had a girlfriend and my super conservative sister and mum found out they would disown me. I fall in love with people all the time but they are always inappropriate and I fall out of love as soon as any relationship starts. I fell in love with this guy at work last year, then he sent me a text saying hi, and I had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown.

-This guy who I went on 2 dates with in 2010 has found out I'm back in town and wants to catch up all the time. he thinks I'm his girlfriend. I sing in a pub band who do a regular gig at a pub in town and he's found out what time and place and now he comes along and watches. He also comes over to my house unannounced. I went from being someone who would not lock their door to freaking out every time a car stops outside my house.

-Easter holidays are coming up soon. I don't know if I can handle 4 days of being around my house alone.
OldFashioned
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Re: Very and increasingly depressed

Postby houses » Tue Apr 18, 2017 5:25 am

this sucks a lot and i am sorry that you are having a tough time.

do you see a therapist or talk to someone about these? have you considered taking anti-depressants? sometimes they can be a good kick start. sometimes, weas autistic people do not take to medications normal, but with time one may work.

can you talk to the pub owner and get the pub security to keep him away?

i am sorry that you are dealing with this. i hope that your easter has gone okay.
hi i'm houses

autistic + ADHD + OCD + bipolar ii
currently taking: lamictal 150mg BID & bupropion 150mg BID & ativan 2mg PRN
houses
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