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Potential ASD or personality disorder

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Potential ASD or personality disorder

Postby Qwertyuiop_16 » Sun Sep 04, 2016 1:53 am


My name is Tyler, I am 18, I am a freshman at a respected engineering school, and I think there is a possibility that I have some form of autism or a personality disorder. What started as "feeling different", or as though I was on the outside looking in, during my childhood transitioned into struggling with interpersonal/romantic relationships throughout adolescence and my late teen years. I foresee this to be something that has the potential to complicate my career and jeopardize my chances of being happy and emotionally stable during my adult life. In order to adequately put my concerns into context, I'll share with you examples of my struggles and things/experiences that I believe could've contributed to them.

When I was very young, I appeared highly cognitively advanced. I could recognize patterns well, math came very easily, I thought very logically, and I had a seemingly never-ending curiosity about the world around me. I spent a lot of time with puzzles and toys that involved logic and/or spatial reasoning. However, my emotional/social development "needed improvement" according to my preschool teacher. My father recalls that I showed little interest in spending time with kids my own age as a child, even when I started elementary school a year early. I found their interests and interactions to be too childish. This may have something to do with a possible loss of innocence following losing my mother to cancer when I was four years old. However, I found in her journal that she had kept during her last months that I expressed very little emotion towards her, my own mother. Evidently, there must have been something "off" prior to my loss of her.

My father and I have a lot in common. He was an exceptional student, particularly in classes that involved logical processing, and also went to engineering school prior to changing career paths. He is very logical in his doings, has a highly type A personality, and seldom shows much emotion. This leads me to believe that some of who I am was inherited from him. Another key influence in my childhood was my brother. He bullied me nonstop (we get along now). He would belittle me for every possible thing. If he didn't like the way I dressed, he'd call me every name imaginable. He always had a a way to put me down and make me question my adequacy. When he finally moved onto high school and I still had another year, I was elated to have a year where I wasn't at the same school as him, because I thought my insecurities would leave with him. However, it was too late and insecurity had become a learned behavior.

Fast forward to adolescence.. I did play sports. I was great at baseball (I continue to play), and mediocre at just about every other sport. Coordination and motor skills were never an issue for me, unless you include unusual mannerisms. Since I played sports, I was always familiar with the "popular crowd" and they generally respected me, though I never fit in with them. We got along and they didn't mind me, it just didn't seem like I belonged. However, this same problem was present regardless of the group I tried to fit in with. Thus, I rarely had a persistent friend group, but rather a collective of friends from various social spheres who happened to find me tolerable. During high school I was in a very short relationship. It started off over text/snapchat where my social shortcomings were less apparent. Once we started to see each other in person, she thought it was extremely awkward (according to her friends) and made up her mind very quickly that It couldn't possibly work, although she continues to insist that I'm a great guy. People that spend enough time around me think I'm weird or "a little off" at most. Nobody has seriously suspected that I have some sort of disorder, but I do get a lot of confused looks.

This is where my social deficits become more clear. As I grew older, I began to analyze why I always felt like such an outsider. After much analysis of my problems, here are a few examples of what I see as a possible social deficit.

((difficulty holding a conversation that is mutual)) - sometimes I have no idea what to say at a point in a conversation that doesn't lend itself to the end of conversation. Also, I interrupt/talk over people without realizing it.
((apparent disinterest in small talk)) - I seem aloof at times. I rarely know what to say to people during small talk or when said small talk is supposed to end
((overly direct)) - this may be associated with why I struggle with romantic relationships. Not because I'm too honest in a way that seems rude. But rather because I initiate flirting too soon or too often.
-((difficulty understanding subtle social cues)) - I don't know which cues I don't pick up on, mainly because I don't pick up on them. However, I've been told I'm pretty socially awkward.
-((irritability/negativity)) - I am that friend that will actually be upset about someone leaving empty fast food containers on the floor of my car. It seems like normal people will merely make a joke of it after it becomes a recurring issue, whereas I become visibly frustrated. I tend to find things obnoxious very easily (but don't realize when I, myself, am being obnoxious) and become irritated
-((limited range of emotions)) - people often tell me I don't have any emotion in my voice. Even when I try to be funny, I have a straight face and a monotone voice. Also, people often say that my hugs feel awkward, which I didn't even know was possible. I rarely seem that excited about things

I originally did not intend for this to become a lecture, and for that I apologize. However, without any individual one of the aforementioned details of my situation, I'd feel as though the context is too incomplete for any judgment to be made. I just want answers. Whatever behavioral patterns I've learned seem to have led me to a life of sadness, emptiness, and self-doubt, and I constantly long to see what I might be without these burdens. An answer does not have to be a disorder that I might have, it can also be advice if you find that a disorder does not fit my case.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and contributing your input, if you so choose.

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Re: Potential ASD or personality disorder

Postby houses » Tue Apr 18, 2017 8:11 pm

much of what you describe could be autism, but it could also be normal teenage boy behaviors, especially teenage boy behaviors with a traumatic incident in the past.

that said, investigate. talk to a doctor. see what they have to say. talk about your symptoms and not what label you believe you may have.
hi i'm houses

autistic + ADHD + OCD + bipolar ii
currently taking: lamictal 150mg BID & bupropion 150mg BID & ativan 2mg PRN
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