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Vent and questions to you

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Vent and questions to you

Postby BlueMoth98 » Mon Nov 02, 2020 7:07 pm

Hi all,
I've not been diagnosed but have strong suspicion that I could fit in here ... don't get me wrong, it's not one of your "Do I have ADD?" posts - that is, I'm not asking you to comment on that although ofc you may, if you want to - it's more intended as a bit of venting with some explicit questions attached to it.
For those of you who don't like to read my long-ass whining I marked where it ends and the question starts.

So I'm 22 yo now, struggling immensely with self-motivation, organisation, chores and almost pathological daydreaming - and that is only after I got through a seven-year period of severe depression, suicide thoughts, a short period of anorexia, a long period of severe bulimia and quite a bit of self-harm. When in school I extremely struggled especially with homework and studying at home, which nobody seemed to even notice (besides my mum, who would give me $#%^ for it and call me a lazy good-for-nothing all the time) because I aced all my classes. I mean, I AM clever, but still don't ask me how I did it. I never managed to study for an exam over a long period of time, it's like something in my head physically blocked me from even starting it and even when I did, sometimes I just sat there for hours blankly staring at my books while I was freaking out and stressing on the inside. On the last evening before the exam, sometimes only during the short break before the lesson it was in, I could study, so I crammed all the information in my head, spit it back out during the exam and forgot everything afterwards. I also never did my homework, only during the lesson. It's like I can only function under extreme stress when there's the threat of immediate consequences.
I think I've always been like that (I remember crying every day in primary school when I was supposed to do my homework, to the extent that my mum talked to the headmaster), only when I was younger I got away with it way better so I didn't stress about it that much. It became more of a problem later on, and now I feel like I never learned how to deal with it, but I'm in college studying philosophy which requires me to be kind of an autodidact, AND supposed to manage my household chores on a whim. Yeah, no. Despite still acing my classes, but it's a matter of time until my cover blows. My flatmate tells me I'm gonna need outpatient care in a few years just to manage my basic everyday life if I go on like this.
Then there's the daydreaming. I spend hours daydreaming every day, it's like an addiction almost and I've had this since forever. It takes away so much of my time and focus.
And so much more: I can't seem to leave the house without my headphones blasting metal or anything loud enough to tune out everything else. I hate everything competitive or confrontative or any situation where I'd have to prove myself or fulfill expectations with a passion. When I lived alone I didn't wash dishes for months, my bathroom was mouldy, there was a small passage through my room that wasn't cluttered and I couldn't seem to tidy it up and keep it that way. I hate appointments and deadlines, I'm chronically late because getting ready always takes more time than I plan for. I can't seem to establish routines because I have zero discipline. My memory feels like a single blurry mass - I can remember snapshots, but can almost never time them correctly. I couldn't even tell you what I did yesterday. And so on.
There's stuff that doesn't fit though, too: I'm not particularly impatient, for example. I don't mind waiting as long as I have music, because I'm constantly zoned out anyway. I'm very reclusive and don't like having people around. And I don't know whether my concentration issues fit ADD criteria or not. Hence the questions:

**************

Does it feel like you can't focus on anything at all? Like, in a class or lecture, don't you hear what the teacher is saying at all as soon as you space out, or do you just not actively listen? (As in, do you find yourselves constantly repeating sentences someone said to you in your head just to catch the meaning? Or don't you hear them at all?). How often do you space out? Did you manage to actively participate in class? How often do you hyperfocus? Does routine help you or make things worse?

Thanks so much to anybody who answers, all the more if you read all of this :D
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Re: Vent and questions to you

Postby Snaga » Tue Nov 03, 2020 12:33 am

Hello and welcome!

I am pretty darn sure I, as a whole, have ADD, and avoidant issues, from nearly my entire life. I also may be OSDD or DID, that is not a given but I've been posting lately on that assumption, exploring those possibilities.

So much of what you write, I could have written- the messiness, the daydreaming- I don't often now, but I used to set aside time for it, before the internet and age seem to have dulled it. the 'zoning out'.

The first two years of elementary, I consistently missed recess and had to stay after school, to finish my work- wherever my mind was, it certainly wasn't 'present'. Then, I learned to fake it, I suppose. Things haven't much changed for me. I'm in my fifth decade, but am faced with going back to school soon! I am... mildly terrified, that I'm not going to be able to absorb a damned thing, and do as you say- memorise at the last minute, vomit out the required answers, and then when I actually manage to get employment, based on my education, be a total and complete failure. been there, done that already when I was your age. Have no reason to think, Path To Career 2.0 is going to be any different- with the exception, that this time, I'm fully aware of exactly how I am. I wasn't, before.

I was a child, before ADD was a 'thing', and I never had the hyperactivity often associated with it as ADHD. I'm sure if I'd been born a couple decades later, I'd have been fed Ritalin or something, ha.

I am... or at least parts of my system are starting to pressure me... to seek some mental health help. If I do so, that's going to be one of the first things I inflict upon anyone unlucky enough to have me as a patient or client- the fact I can't seem to pay attention. For me, it's as if I just catch bits and pieces. I've found I have two (possible, not saying I am or am not disassociative) alts that seem to be rather better at it than me. Now if I could just harness that, and then actually remember things as ME, that would be really nice- I hope they're listening, ha.

I'm afraid I don't have any solution for you- I've muddled thru life without feeling as if I have the slightest handle on it. My story is very similar, with the good grades (for most of the time in school but my senior year of high school everything kind of fell apart for me grade wise) but not really being able to translate that into anything practical, along with the elaborate, long daydreaming; the absolute slovenliness- my personal space is always going to look as if a tidal wave hit it- and well, a heck of a lot of our stories seem to overlap. I really feel for you.
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