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what kind of ADHD is this?

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what kind of ADHD is this?

Postby humpalumpa » Sun Jul 01, 2018 3:15 am

I coped some years with this, never trusted that someone else could solve it for me, but as of lately I learned that talking to people can give you some great insights!

I think the problem could be nested under the psychological/mental problems. I believe that I am spiritually in a good place & physically fine except from a bad diet(& not as much exercise I would’ve liked). Socially/Family-wise I am also in a good place. So giving the following aspects, I suspect my problem is in the mental department. 
So I have been diagnosed with ADHD (at a later age because I could cope with it because of above average intelligent, said the psychologist), but I feel like it’s a bit different than the typical ADHD-patient (I could be wrong). I think I also suffer from perfectionism (either I do it perfect or I don’t do it all). Combined with my very analytical thinking and eye for details always, every task that I try to do becomes instantaneously an overwhelming mess, which often causes me to procrastinate. Coupled with the fact I cannot seem to prioritize (i.e. I don’t see the core of the task, everything is equally important + I can get lost in whatever catches my attention) & my natural broad interest make it worse. So I am all over the place with my thought’s and actions. 

I think stemming from the fact that I was always overwhelmed and had so many thoughts(I overthink & analyse everything). It seems I learned my self to write everything down. And coupled with the eye for detail, I really write EVERYTHING down, even things that are not relevant, but I still have to write it down.I think maybe I rely so much on my notes, that I stopped thinking creatively & logically. I always think somewhere in my notes I will be able to find it or reconstruct what I was doing, but because I work in such details and lack structure/organization, It’s very hard to use these notes again. I suspect here we also have something to do with anxiety/ocd as a underlying cause. I have an history of (social) anxiety attacks, that are almost completely gone now (thank God). I also save everything like websites, files etc. I always also have around couple hundred tabs open. As a kid I tried to save every google image of Dragonball z. I don’t know why I did that, maybe afraid that I was not going to have internet anymore. Everytime I try to undertake a task I reminded that somewhere I have notes (scattered) about this, but I can never retrieve them and I don’t even try (because I am afraid of all the other millions of things I will see in my mess). But being an perfectionist I don’t finish the task, because I can’t find all my notes.

Now in addition to this everybody has a workflow/skillset to manage their lives. I completely lack structure in my life and/or realized too late that I need structure elements in my life. I don’t have a taskmanagement system, I don’t really have an calender system (every diary I ever tried to keep, became an cluttered mess). It’s almost like I forgot how to study, because I am so overwhelming myself and so overthinking. I analyse every action that I do now, which sucks a lot of mental energy. 
These factors above combined have caused an unimaginable clutter in my life. To give an idea: maybe 10.000 notes, thousands of bookmarks, no really organizing folders & study files, Having pictures all over the place. 

I want a reset button & clean all the clutter, so I can let go of my past, because in this clutter a part of me is hidden. So I want to reread everything: Whatsapp chats, websites, my thoughts/notes, my ambitions, my lessons etc, clean my emails(up to thousands), organise everything etc. But my problem is how can I find the time to retreat, process everything en let go of my past. Everyday really feels like I have to take on all the weight of the past. I can never focus on the future. I cannot make steps, I am afraid to undertake any actions, because I feel like I haven’t organized en read my relating notes on the matters at hand. 

Ironically, as I am typing this I realize, it’s these same issues described above, that are overwhelming me to clean everything & to bring structure in my life and to find te focus to solve this problem. It’s the same procrastination that comes, because I am already (anticipating) anxious of the amount of mental effort it’s going to take me. I have identified some key principles: 20/80 rule, focus on the main body of the task, find a structure in life, make habits, etc. but somehow I cannot seem to get a good flow. I don’t know what the starting point is. 

What do you guys think?
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Re: what kind of ADHD is this?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Jul 02, 2018 4:59 pm

What you just described is me in many ways. I had boxes and trash bags of paperwork or mail that I've had and that I need to go through. So far it's now a box and a few small bags I need to go through I can't throw away things, but I am forcing myself to do that. Maybe I am part hoarder, I tell myself. I can't let go of things, so I make myself do it and in the end I feel better to have less clutter. I also hire a cleaning person once a week every week to help me around the house and that lessens the panic mode of having to have my home perfectly clean and it frees up my time quite a bit. It is a lifesaver!

I got a book from an author who is like an professional organizer. An actual job. It's called Organizing Solutions for people with ADHD by Susan C. Pinsky. It takes patience for me to write this and go and get the book to share with you. I am very impatient. So this will be short. I have so much disorganization in my mind. It bothers me a lot That it spills over into my home. I do use a calendar and sometimes I forget to look at it. But most days I do look at it. I have a LONG list in which I scratch things off as they get done. It's still a long list. Just little things like reminders to order my refill of my meds is something I must write down. I was a perfectionist. I don't feel I am anymore because I just seemed to give up on the long and arduous task of having everything perfect, spotless, and having everything on the list done. It's so much. I do have a few good habits like using the list and the calendar. I've cleaned out some drawers with so much paperwork that I can simply look in there and see what I need instead of digging in there and being frustrated about having to look for a long while for one simple paper. My desk is still cluttered and I do straighten it out but I need to "see" my things to remind me. So I am filled with reminders and jotted notes. I need to see my envelopes (4) to remind me they need attention. I've used a professional organizer whom I paid a lot of money to and she helped so much, but good habits are hard to keep for me. I imagine it's hard for anyone with ADD (ADHD). Even with meds, Ritalin, I must implement some type of easy and visual type of organizing scheme. I read that in the book. But I know it already. I must have things be simple. So I hope I didn't get off track here because I tend to do that as my mind wanders and I go on tangents all the time. Which means I need to proofread my emails and posts here. Very frustrating for me. But you ask what kind of ADHD is this? I think it's just so much that it overwhelms you just thinking about it. I recommend sitting down and formulating a plan that is realistic and starting slow. Then doing a little bit at a time, every so often. It's too much for you to do all at once. It's nearly impossible to get to such an organizational level that mentally it wears you out. I always say, just do your best. Perfection or not, it needs to be done to give you some peace of mind, even if you start very slow. Be easy on yourself. ADD is not easy on us who have it, otherwise we wouldn't be diagnosed with it and we would ask ourselves do I even have it or is it just daily living with a very busy lifestyle. What do you think?
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: what kind of ADHD is this?

Postby humpalumpa » Tue Jul 03, 2018 2:38 am

Thank you for your reply.
I do exactly the same thing with writing small tasks down, even though you will probably not forget them. I also have exactly the same thing with seeing things to remind me what I need to do with them. That's why a lot things are on my desk (or close in eye-sight). The item actually represent a to do thing, but most of the time it's just useless tasks, which I could've done immediatly.

Also thanks for the book, did it help?
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Re: what kind of ADHD is this?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:21 pm

Honestly, I got the book a few weeks ago and it's also in Kindle version so I can read it on the go when I'm bored. It's good so far and I am getting good ideas from it. I am definitely not implementing everything they share, but just what is useful for me. So far so good. It's easy to read, got some notes in the pages, pretty neat set up. I go from different chapters and don't have to read from beginning to end. So, yeah it's a good book.
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