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My sexuality as an Aspy.

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My sexuality as an Aspy.

Postby AspyGuest » Sat Dec 03, 2005 2:44 pm

Hello folks. I came upon this website while doing a Google search for correlations between Asperger Syndrome and pedophilia. It appears that I came too late to participate in the Sexual addiciton and Aspergers?? thread, so I decided to start a thread of my own.

I am perpetually sexually and emotionally underdeveloped. Because of my physical age alone, I would be perceived as a pedophile at first glance. But my situation is much more complex than that.

I am a 23-year-old male with Asperger Syndrome who is very childlike, emotionally and socially. I relate best with children (boys, specifically, between the ages of 6 and 16) because I am at the same level of emotional and social development as they. I love boys very much, but not in a romantic way; rather, I love them in a platonically-affectionate way, like a big brother or big friend. That is because I am not at the level of development at which I might perceive romantic or socio-sexual feelings.

My childlike emotional development also encompasses my sexuality. By that, I mean that my sexual needs are the same as a child's, and that my emotional understanding of sexuality (emotional-sexual development) is not at all consistent with my physical age. It is also worth noting that my "sexual needs" as I describe them are not physical, but rather emotional; that is, they are rooted in curiosity, like a child.

To elaborate, I do not perceive sexuality as do all of you, in that any such physical behavior should be reserved for "adults only" within a stable, socio-romantic relationship. Rather, my understanding is that of a child's. My needs are thusly so: I want only to experiment, explore, and touch another child's body, all in the name of curiosity, unhinhibited pleasure, and simple fun.

Like most Aspies, I completely lack the social skills necessary to form an "age-appropriate" socio-romantic relationship with a young adult. More seriously, I lack the emotional understanding required to engage in such relationships (i.e. I cannot "feel" what it is that "normal" adults feel). I am thus completely unable to function as an adult "lover" in any way whatsoever. It's not a matter of "knowing" how to act; I went through four years of speech therapy, in an attempt to teach myself how to function socially, but it did not work. Rather, it is a matter of fulfilling my needs (i.e. that which I feel, and in my case, what I feel is that which is felt by a child).

(This became clear to me in my third year of college, after which I dropped out. I was unable to find a "boyfriend" and thus unable to experience sexual contact of any kind [all I wanted was experimentation]. A nurse asked me this question: "Do you think your peers see you as more of a friend than a lover?" She was absolutely right; I was not succeeding in getting what I wanted because I lacked the necessary emotional understanding [i.e. the ability to function as a "lover"]. The circumstances that brought this on will be addressed shortly.)

Furthermore, there is a major gap between my physical-sexual development and my emotional-sexual development, which can be described thusly:

My body is physically-sexually attracted to the bodies of certain young adult males of my preference (meaning that I get physically aroused by the sight of them). However, emotionally, I am repulsed at the idea; not only is our respective emotional understanding of sexuality completely different, but I am emotionally unattracted to and repelled by the sight of an adult body. I perceive them as nothing more than muscles, hair, and testosterone.

On the other hand, I am emotionally attracted (a word which I try to refrain from using, since it implies inherently "adult" connotations) to the bodies and overall demeanor of boys, ages 6-16, the age range with whom I best relate emotionally, socially, and sexually (i.e. emotionally-sexually). Being an Aspy, I have a deeply profound emotional and aesthetic appreciation for their bodies (and their personalities in general, of course). I consider the body of a pre-pubescent boy (as well as those just entering puberty) to be the epitome of pure, unadulterated beauty. I want to touch, explore, and feel them out of curiosity, not out of a need to get myself off, or with the intention of getting them off. I want to engage in what is known as "sex play." That is the emotional need I possess. My physical-sexual needs can easily be fulfilled through solo masturbation; I do not have the emotional need to "get off" with anyone other than myself.

Let me stress that I am not physically-sexually attracted to children (that is, I do not get aroused by them). As such, as I said, I have absolutely no desire to physically "get off" on them or with them in any way associated with an adult's understanding of sexuality. Furthermore, because of my overall emotional underdevelopment, I have not the desire (or the ability!) to form a socio-romantic relationship with them (something for which neither of us have the capacity to sustain). I perceive love as does a child: platonically-affectionate. They can certainly reciprocate the type of platonically-affectionate love I give to them: that of a big-and-little brother.

All I want to do is explore, experiment, and touch, all in the name of curiosity, uninhibited pleasure, and simple fun. Based on the attitudes and the understanding of sexuality that most of you adults have exhibited, I know that there is no one my age who engages in sexual behavior out of simple curiosity or fun.

You might argue that I should find a fellow Aspy adult with whom to experiment. Easier said than done. As I said, I am emotionally repelled at the idea, based on the state of their bodies, as well as their overall emotional demeanor. I need to experiment with those who possess the type of physical and emotional attributes to which I am emotionally attracted. As I said, there is a gap between my physical-sexual and emotional-sexual attraction.

I shall now address the circumstances that brought about my stunted development:

I was not sexually abused as a child; in fact, I was loved by my family in every way. However, I did suffer a form of emotional abuse: I was prohibited from naturally exploring my sexuality. My parents were generally uptight about any sexual curiosity expressed by myself and my sister. As such, they forbade us from experimenting. However, my sister and I did it on the sly a few times.

What has preoccupied me is my unfulfilled need to experiment with male peers, which was impossible, due to homophobia (I wasn't stupid; I knew that non-sexual physical interactions [i.e. affection] between boys was not advocated; it wasn't much of a leap of logic to deduce that I would get in trouble for engaging in sex play with them).

As I grew up, I saw that my peers' emotional understanding of sexuality was becoming more and more "adult" and that mine remained in the childish realm of wanting to experiment. I became more and more curious about their penises and proportionately became more and more angry and disgruntled at the fact that I could not see any as I grew up (except during my fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth years as a child). I had hoped that it would naturally progress into physical sex play, but homophobia prevented that. In the words of the Time Traveller in H.G. Welles' novel The Time Machine, I needed "experimental verification." That was an important step in the process of my development which was denied me.

Think of it as though I had been disallowed the opportunity to start at the novice ski slope and am now expected to ski down the most advanced and therefore treacherous slope. I need to start at the bottom with all of the boys, so to speak, so as to build up my confidence and understanding in order to take the next step. That is the level at which my needs and understanding reside.

I am now very distraught and insecure, as well as preoccupied with the subject of younger boys' penises.

I would be most interested in hearing your opinions.

Thank you for reading.


Postby trent » Sat Dec 03, 2005 2:55 pm

You need to get help! And by the way, your absolutely right. Speech therapy does nothing to increase the empathy/emotional awareness levels of a person with AS. We will forever remain alone and emotionally stunted.
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Postby Guest » Sat Dec 03, 2005 3:27 pm

trent wrote:You need to get help!

Any suggestions as to how I can be helped?

I see both a psychiatrist and social worker, both of whom are extremely understanding and trust me implicitly around children; I like to volunteer my time for children in need.

But there is no feasible solution to my "problem," unless I want to end up in jail, which I don't.

This problem of mine never bothered me all that much as long as I had enough opportunities to volunteer my time. In the summer of 2004, I volunteered with a group of children with cancer, which was, thus far, the most rewarding experience of my life. Unfortunately, there was not enough room for me this past summer, and it could have been just as well, because during the week of the retreat, I lost two very close relatives, which has taken a lot out of me and has put me into a state of severe depression.

As a result, this "problem" of mine has consumed me. Only talking about it can relieve the stress, as well as being given the opportunity to volunteer my time with children. Luckily, such a venture is on the immediate horizon.

And by the way, your absolutely right. Speech therapy does nothing to increase the empathy/emotional awareness levels of a person with AS. We will forever remain alone and emotionally stunted.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way; it does nothing for our personal wants and needs. It only makes it "easier" (and I use that term loosely) for us to integrate into society, for the sake of "appearing" normal. But I tried that for four years (plus two-and-a-half, if you count the years during which I was in college), and it did nothing for me. I was pleasing everyone but myself, which put considerable stress upon me.

If our invividual needs could be met, then perhaps there would be no need for speech therapy and such. But in this claustrophobic social climate, that is not going to happen, at least not without a fight.

Not that I plan to "take on" anyone, but I have written a few lengthy essays about my situation. If I could make them public, possibly through a web blog, I might not move mountains, but at least I will have made a difference for future generations.

Thank you for your somewhat abrupt sentiments.

Postby Tre-Trent » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:19 am

Oh, by the way homie, we will not remain alone forever. I was just being a fecicious #####&.


Postby Guest » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:20 pm

Tre-Trent wrote:Oh, by the way homie, we will not remain alone forever. I was just being a fecicious #####&.


Actually, I've come to believe your sentiment, way before you typed it here. I cannot fulfill my emotional or social needs (and I am not talking about sex play, just plain quality time interaction with boys) as easily as I would like to. I once naively thought that my disability automatically granted me such a privelege; I felt that people might believe that I am truly different from those of my physical age and therefore harmless as a result of the disability, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The reality is that everyone is so intent on upholding the social norm of interacting with those of your own physical age (in the words of our constricting society, "age appropriate"), despite the fact that my needs are not those normally associated with your average "normal" 23-year-old male.

Even those in the support group which I attend tell me that it is "socially inappropriate" (the latter word I am absolutely sick of hearing be thrown around) for someone of my physical age to be seen interacting with a younger boy, except through mentoring organizations and such. But the waiting periods in between finding the right organization and the screening processes, not to mention the waiting periods between your scheduled visits, is daunting, to say the least. Although I remind myself that "good things take time."

Still, these restrictions imposed upon me by our irrational society is what causes problems for me where they would otherwise not exist.

Thank you once again.

this is sick!

Postby this is sick! » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:17 pm

this is sick! Sick! sick! Moderator where are you?
this is sick!

Re: this is sick!

Postby Guest » Mon Dec 05, 2005 9:06 pm

this is sick! wrote:this is sick! Sick! sick! Moderator where are you?

Would you mind elaborating on exactly what you feel is so "sick"?

Postby catmil » Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:59 am

Children need to be protected from being violated by socially/emotionally immature adults so they can grow up to be well adjusted contributors to society.

Postby Guest » Tue Dec 06, 2005 4:24 pm

From "this is sick"

thank you Catmil, you said it for me.

Postby Tren-tt » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:40 pm

AspyGuest, catmil is absolutely right. It's not that I don't understand that you have no intentions of forcing boys to engage in S & M acts. You obviously aren't a sadistic person.

But what your supposed "emotional immaturity" prevents you from doing is putting yourself in a sexually abused boy's shoes. It doesn't matter whether or not you have any intentions of scarring the boys' in your sexual fantasies for life.

Let's say that sexual fantasy of yours does come true. You fooled
around with two little boys , one AS, one NT. You had sex with neither of them. You were in an intimate environment with them. No shirts, pants or undergarmets were removed. But the way you interacted with them, your demeanor, the way you touched them, they thought it was rather "strange". Since they were little kids, whether AS or NT they probably wouldn't be aware enough of your intentions, so they would still not know any better but to take part in your fantasy.

Three or four years down the road:

There are quite a few outcomes that could come about: all of them detrimental to your own and the kids' well-being.

You might say to yourself after your sexual fantasy does come true that; oh, since I got away with it once, I can get away with it again.
You keep having these sexually inspired rendevous with these two children. As the NT becomes socially aware, and the Aspie learns from the NT what's going on, they're figure out what you've really been up to. If they tell their parents, you'll be serving a 20 to Lifetime sentence on Child Molestation charges. And when you get out of jail, your still going to be imprisoned for the rest of your life because you won't be able to get over the emotional damage that you inflicted upon these children; all for the sake of bringing your idea of sexual heaven to life.

Let's say after you have the sexual fantasy come true, you suddenly outgrow your fixation on boys. What are you going to do then? Wallow in guilt and misery? Permanetly detach yourself socially and emotionally from the world? Think about how your sexual fantasy may have seriously distorted their outlook on the world?

What if you never saw those two boys again after you sexual fantasy went off without a hitch? What if ten years down the road, you matured enough to have a permanent mate, and you had a job and were settled for life? And then on the news one day, there was a story about two child molestors who got arrested. At least one of the molestors particiapeted in your sexual fantasy when they were a kid? How would you feel then?

AspyGuest, I normally am not this harsh on people. But for your own and especially the children's own safety, I had to resond the way I responded to your posts. Somehow, you are going to have to get over this fixation on boys. I WISH I could help. But I'm just 18. I have Asperger's. I have my own problems to worry about.

All I can say is that you are very intelligent. You must use that as means of protecting yourself from your own emotional immaturity for the sake of yourself and others.

Take care.

PS: AspyGuest, remember that labels and problems are static. The dymanic nature of your brain and will power is what will allow you to overcome them.

If they don't tell their parents


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