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Married to an Aspie Support

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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:18 pm

lonelyflower wrote:Hi Shock:

What I would like to know is how an aspie who is in 110% denial, get to realize:"Oh, I do have a problem and I need help. I need to get help to see improvement in my marriage" VS. "There is nothing wrong with me. I'm completely normal. You are the one who is wrong".

... imagine you're colour blinds. now imagine someone trying to explain to you the difference between red and green. well, that's what you're trying to do here. you may see a problem, because you don't have what we call 'mind blindness'. however, he almost certainly does. and he almost certainly won't see it.

you basically have two kinds of aspies: the ones that are smart enough to figure out that there's something missing in their lives ... and the ones that aren't. the ones that are usually have very keen observational skills. they can't necessarily emotionally relate to what's missing but they can intellectually relate to it by seeing it in the lives of other people. so, not all aspies are the same. and many aspies simply tire of trying to be something that they simply can't achieve.

this isn't about being right or wrong. it's about being different.

lonelyflower wrote:My husband always say "I love You" like an old scratched record, or a robot from a science-fiction movie. In real life, he has NO CLUE WHAT LOVE IS. If you avoid interactions with your spouse because you prefer to read books, play video games and watch YouTube videos All Day Long, what does it says about your understanding of what love is???

... aspies often have what's termed flat intonation. their speech lacks emotion. it's all a part of being unable to express one's self well. it doesn't mean it isn't heartfelt.

also, aspies have an uncanny ability to sustain long periods of social depravation. no doubt part of being socially outcast. so, they don't, of themselves, necessarily realise when someone else is feeling lonely. nor would they necessarily know what to do about it.

but that's no to say that they're incapable of love. their idea of love is often more of a practical nature. and they can be extremely loyal too.

lonelyflower wrote:Another question: Socially speaking why is there so much compassion for an aspie and very little for minimum an aspie spouse. We suffer like crazy. We give and give, and give love, attention, time, compassion, understanding and we are just there, ignored, like we don't have feelings an emotions?

... i think this depends where you look. candidly, i thought SBB did a pretty good job of being compassionate. myself, i'm a consequentialist. it's not that i don't feel for you. it's that i recognise that alone isn't going to fix anything.

lonelyflower wrote:Is there anybody here who is a spouse of an aspie, who is suffering like I do, or have been successful in her relationship???? I would love to hear how do you deal with this.

Shock, you mentioned that aspies crave social contact. However, I have read posts of other spouses of aspies, who are going through the same issues I'm going through with my husband. One of the most important issues is lack of emotional connection. This piece is basic in a relationship. There can't be a healthy relationship without that. The fact that a human being is obsessed with having interactions with objects all day, not with people, does not show too much social contact craving. My husband is not the only aspie that I read or hear about that loves to do that.

... trust me on this: i've spent far too many years looking for 'someone special'. i've finally decide that they're not out there. and the reason is that no one ever feels anything for me. you only see the surface. you don't see what's underneath. if you did, you wouldn't say that.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Sep 11, 2018 1:36 am

i'll guess that you're probably not liking what we're saying here. however, you can't make him change. that only leave you with one option: to effect whatever change you want yourself. that said, i do feel very strongly that you're misguided in thinking that aspies don't suffer. they do. a recent statistic put the rate of suicidal ideation of aspies at nearly 10 times that of the general population. also the employment rate of aspies is extremely low. i was an aerospace engineer before i got unfairly dismissed by my former employer because of my mental health. that was over 8 years ago now. i haven't worked since. we all have our crosses to bear in life. if i'm trying to do anything here, i'm trying to get you to see the bigger picture. i think you're angry about your situation, and that's never good. it blurs perspective. only when you're able to step back from that will you be able to see things more clearly and make informed choices about your future.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Posts: 4974
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 05, 2020 9:27 am
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby lonelyflower » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:14 am

I believe you when you said Aspies can
suffer. I also believe Aspies can’t be in
someone else’s shoes. That’s the sad part
of the story. Aspies lack empathy for
others. That could be terribly painful for their
love ones. Just like my case. But at the end of
the story, it’s nobody’s fault. Aspies didn’t ask
to born this way.

What I firmly believe is that Aspies shouldn’t choose
NT partners. Aspies should get involve in
relationships with other Aspies. In that way there
will less unhappy people in this world.

I’m sorry to hear you lost your job. Why you
haven’t been able to get another one?
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:17 pm

lonelyflower wrote:What I firmly believe is that Aspies shouldn’t choose
NT partners. Aspies should get involve in
relationships with other Aspies. In that way there
will less unhappy people in this world.


The divorce rate in the US is almost 50%. I think couples struggle with many things and it's not just Aspie/NT issues. It's about making the marriage work by putting in the effort to do so. An experience with one Aspie is very little data to condemn all Aspie/NT relationships. I have been married over 20 years.
Dx: SPD/AvPD/BP2
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:03 pm

lonelyflower wrote:I believe you when you said Aspies can
suffer. I also believe Aspies can’t be in
someone else’s shoes. That’s the sad part
of the story. Aspies lack empathy for
others. That could be terribly painful for their
love ones. Just like my case. But at the end of
the story, it’s nobody’s fault. Aspies didn’t ask
to born this way.

... this isn't quite that simple. aspies often feel too much, which leads them to shutdown. they have problems recognising, processing and expressing emotions. however, that's not to say that they lack empathy. this is a very common misconception. aspies are often very concerned about truth, justices and freedom. however, these concerns are expressed practically.

lonelyflower wrote:What I firmly believe is that Aspies shouldn’t choose
NT partners. Aspies should get involve in
relationships with other Aspies. In that way there
will less unhappy people in this world.

... people often look for the things they lack in others. and this applies to aspies and NTs alike. i think that if you were to look dispassionately at your own relationship you'd realise that the things that attracted you to this relationship you now take for granted. in other words, you've changed. you're expectations have become greater. you've lost sight of why you chose this relationship in the first place. this isn't unusual. people do change. but you're failing to see that the reason for this change is that the stability of this relationship has given you the opportunity to grow.

lonelyflower wrote:I’m sorry to hear you lost your job. Why you
haven’t been able to get another one?

... in short, i was too traumatised. i lost all belief in myself. i just plain gave up.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4974
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 05, 2020 9:27 am
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby Heather36 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:45 pm

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum, but hoping I might get some input here. I suspect my husband of 25 years has Asperger's. I'm going to list some clues. Would you mind sharing your opinion? Thanks!
While we were dating:
-- He would make lists for what to talk about on our date and check on them regularly.
-- He would rarely compliment the way I looked, and when he did it sounded well planned-out.
After we were married:
-- He would never try to comfort me when I was emotionally down or even crying.
-- He never said he loved me.
-- Insisted on making rules and following them.
-- Would often avoid social or family events. At conferences we attended, he would usually end up helping with the sound system or IT instead of listening to talks or interacting with people.
-- Would always have to know in advance when we would leave for home from a social event, party, etc.
-- Very rigid about house and family rules. No visitors are allowed without notice and his permission -- not even family members. Nothing spontaneous. Nervous when we do have company. Checks on guests.
-- Has some OCD about cleanliness and germs. Wouldn't touch light switches, faucets -- uses his elbow for that. Sanitizes doorknobs after guests leave.
-- No one can touch his phone and he doesn't touch others' phone.
Children and parenting:
-- During my pregnancy he was obsessed with how we would be able to provide for this baby. No emotions or excitement whatsoever.
-- During labor he was reading his professional handbooks (he is an IT guy). Enjoyed checking the monitor and telling me when to push based on the info when I couldn't feel the contractions.
-- When taking home our baby I asked him how becoming a father felt. No answer.
-- Has a good relationship with both children, but was always rigid with rules. Got harder as they turned into adolescence and he lost more and more control.

All in all, I feel pretty lonely. He wouldn't come with me to social events or concerts any more. I go with my friends. Shut himself up in his own private world of computers, games, electrical stuff and DIY projects. No communication about feelings. We live together as roommates basically.
Thanks for your patience. I want to hear what you think.
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Re: Married to an Aspie Support

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Nov 15, 2018 1:29 am

this certainly sounds autistic. it's difficult to engage with people emotionally if they don't understand emotions. i think it's important to keep in mind the positive aspects and not allow the negative aspects to become all-consuming. there must have been something between you and him for you to have married him. if you can do that, possibly you can still feel somewhat emotionally engaged. the problem is that people become despondent. they think that the lack of emotional engagement is a reflection on them. and that can spiral into recriminations. you seem very resigned to your situation. there's a balance between what you can put in and what you can expect to get out of such a relationship. only you can find that balance. it will never be all you want it to be, however, there may be more there than you currently realise.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4974
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 05, 2020 9:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

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