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Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

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Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Wrungout » Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:21 am

My husband will not get tested for AS, but I am 99.9 percent certain that is what he has. We have been married for five years and I am, as my username states, wrungout. I can no longer tolerate his behavior and AS traits. I am nearly finished with my M.A. in Counseling Psychology so I understand all the diagnostic criteria, etc. for AS and many of the characteristics one can expect from a person with AS. However, living with it is an altogether different experience.

I have been living as a single person for the majority of our marriage. He is not affectionate, helpful, or in any other way there for me. There is no thought given on his part to what I need or want or feel. Those of you with AS spouses can relate, I am sure. People often say "Well didn't you know this before you married him?" No, I did not. Yes, he seemed a bit selfish when we were dating/engaged, but I thought it was something he could work on (since he promised to do so) and I felt that this issues may have come from his father, who is much the same way as my husband. I now realize that his father is probably AS too.

I came here because I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to talk to people who understand. I am SO tired, depressed, and sad. I want to know what it is to have a supportive and loving spouse who thinks of OUR needs as a couple and of MY needs as an individual the way that I think of us and him. I want to know what it's like to have someone take care of me, inquire about my feelings, support my dreams. Be there for me the way I am for him.

My husband refuses to accept that he may have AS or any other issue. He refuses to share anything. The selfishness is beyond belief. He may have other issues besides AS, but I am nearly certain AS is a major contributing factor to our marriage problems. Whatever he may or may not have on the spectrum, I am simply too tired to keep going. Just needed to get that out there with people who will hopefully understand where I am coming from and not condemn me for needing to leave.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby TNSe » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:03 am

Know too little about your situation to do any judgement of you.

But I'd expect you of all to know what kind of councelling options you got for marriages.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby sunstone » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:57 am

I try hard not to be selfish but there are times when it is impossible to give anything and I must withdraw or I will be ill.

I have lived around stressful situations with a partner (not AS) so I know the yearning for a 'normal' life or a 'happy' life and it took me a while to realise that I was bringing my own problems to the realtionship too, but...some things cannot be fundamentally changed no matter how much we try.

If he wants to save the relationship with you, he may be able to improve certain things but it will require effort, hard work and a lot of patience on your part as well as his. You may need to question whether you are up for that. Only you know whether your marriage is worth fighting for.
Petrossa wrote:

Imagine you have a blueprint for a sewage system. The blueprint is ok, but unfortunately it's for another city....
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby petrossa » Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:59 am

Wrungout wrote:Just needed to get that out there with people who will hopefully understand where I am coming from and not condemn me for needing to leave.


If you can't you can't. There's no blame or shame in it. Just be sober and decide if you can or can't. Then act upon it.
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Wrungout » Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:13 pm

TNSe wrote:Know too little about your situation to do any judgement of you.

But I'd expect you of all to know what kind of councelling options you got for marriages.


There are several counseling options for marital problems, but all of them require the desire to talk openly and honestly, and to be open to change. My husband cannot talk openly and honestly about any issues he may have because he doesn't think he has any. He is also not open to change, which of course is part of the AS issue.

As topaz commented, "some things cannot be fundamentally changed no matter how much we try." In my husband's case, I do not believe he can fundamentally change those things about himself that make marriage to him difficult, if not impossible.

Thank you to those who responded. I appreciate you taking the time to do so. Helps to get these things off my chest and just put it out there. As a counseling student (working in a psych hospital currently), I do A LOT of listening to and helping others. It's nice when someone takes the time to listen to me.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Nov 01, 2010 1:58 am

i hate to say this but you should get out of this marriage. you know he won't change and you can't stand it. that'd game over as far as i'd be concerned.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Robephiles » Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:09 am

The thing you have to realize with a lot of people who have AS is that we preceive the problem to be with other people and not with ourselves. For years I thought it was other people who were "over sensitive" or "needy" or just plain "irrational" and eventually I'd meet somebody who was like me or the person I was with would get over their problems.

I discovered that I had AS when my fiance (who is a teacher and works with kids who have AS) noticed my symptoms. I was skeptical but after reading some books I was convinced that not only did I have it but my father did too. When I broached the subject with my father however he became very upset and I have never discussed it with him again. I have been very pleased with my diagnosis and was relieved to finally have an explanation for all my issues that have made me feel alienated from everybody else.

Your husband sounds a lot like my father in the sense that he is in deep denial. I would get seperated and make an ultimatium. If he can't even accept that he has AS then divorcing him is not only the best thing for you but for him as well.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby TNSe » Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:25 am

Wrungout wrote:There are several counseling options for marital problems, but all of them require the desire to talk openly and honestly, and to be open to change. My husband cannot talk openly and honestly about any issues he may have because he doesn't think he has any. He is also not open to change, which of course is part of the AS issue.


Then you only have 1 option left. If you believe he won't change, you have given up on him. If you are unable to threaten him to realize *YOU* need it, then nothing is going to change.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby FredOak3 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:18 pm

Robephiles hit it right on the head. I'm late in life diagnosed and always wondered why people were so needy and always needing attention. It definitely ruined my first marriage.

And almost ruined my second, but my wife now is a lot more understanding and was never about to take any of my BS. And then once we knew I had AS and the reasons behind some of my actions it has helped. I do find that I still have to be reminded by her when I'm "acting like your from another planet" but we just celebrated our 19th anniversary.

But I had to put the effort in and she made sure to "remind" me when I wasn't. It was a team effort to get us where we are today and I could never see myself being able to live with anyone else because I don't think anyone else would put the time and effort she has to make sure we work and stay together, and it has been well worth it.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Wrungout » Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:10 pm

FredOak3 wrote:But I had to put the effort in and she made sure to "remind" me when I wasn't. It was a team effort to get us where we are today and I could never see myself being able to live with anyone else because I don't think anyone else would put the time and effort she has to make sure we work and stay together, and it has been well worth it.


I'm really glad you and your wife were able to work through this! You clearly have insight about AS and are willing to admit it's a problem AND even more than that, you're willing to accept your wife's help in dealing with it. It is truly a team effort as you said. All marriages have to be team efforts, otherwise they will not survive with or without one of the partners having AS.

My husband refuses to acknowledge there may be a problem, refuses to be a partner in any sense of the word so a team effort isn't possible. I wish it was, but over the last 6 years of being with him, I've come to realize that it is what it is and it's up to me to make the change of leaving so that the emotional abuse he heaps upon me will stop. I've learned a lot these last few years and one of the things that I value is being able to talk through what I am feeling. This forum allowed me to do that and again, I thank all of you for your contributions. I know what I have to do, but sometimes it just helps to purge my thoughts and feelings about this.
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