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Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Avas_mommy » Fri Dec 17, 2010 3:26 am

also, beware of Cassandra Affective Disorder.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby petrossa » Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:11 am

Wrungout wrote:Whatever the case, it's not worth continuing in the marriage because this is as good as it's going to get and that simply isn't enough.


A legitimate, sane conclusion. We're past the 'till death do us part' thing by now.
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Wrungout » Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:13 am

Avas_mommy wrote:i guess what im trying to say is that your doesnt HAVE to be insensative/unsupportive/uncompromising, ect. and if he is selfish, than HE is selfish. so if he will not work on the marriage with you, leave him becouse of him, not because of the a.s., it is not the a.s. that is refusing help, counseling ect. good luck and i hope this was at least a bit helpful. my first time posting in a forum and i guess i rambled a bit.


Your contribution is appreciated. I am glad you've found a way to work with your husband on this issue and that he is willing to do so with you. My husband simply isn't willing to open up and give, acknowledge that others have needs and that his way is not the only way, etc. He just isn't going to do that. For me, it's not about the why of his behavior (which I suspect is the A.S.) it's more the fact that he is totally unwilling to acknowledge the problem and deal with it. I have been neglected to the point of living like a single person. He refuses to take an interest in and/or share anything. At some point, no matter the marital issue, the why of someone's behavior is less important than the what, as in what are they planning to do about the issue. If they aren't going to do anything, then hard choices must be made.

I also appreciate your reference in your other post to CAS. I do believe that is a legitimate issue, although others in the psychological community argue over it (but then, that is the case in all sciences over everything. :D ) I am lucky in that I am pursing a graduate degree in psychology so I have the formal training necessary to understand this issue, but I am also lucky in that I have wonderful social contacts who have given me a great deal of emotional support and understanding. Still, it hurts that my spouse is not the one giving me that support and understanding. Thankfully, I have made my plans to leave and have grieved what I wish I had over the last year or so. That helps in being able to separate my emotions from this situation, understand that I am never going to get what I need here, and move forward.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Mariyah » Mon Oct 14, 2013 8:38 pm

Years later...

I just want to say that I hope you're doing well today! All the best to you!
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby marriedtoanaspie » Wed Dec 04, 2013 4:10 am

I am married to an Aspie as well. No doubt it is the toughest thing I have ever done. The pull between love, and unmet emotional needs is a great war everyday. Many times, what we view as selfish or insensitive, they simply don't see it that way. They have a whole different view on everything and they feel everything in a different way. Some people say men and women are from different planets, but living with someone with AS gives a whole new spin on what "different planets" really means.

My situation is a little different though. My husband is a very hard worked when it comes to providing for our family. He is even helpful around the house and with our 2 year old daughter. However, he does not pick up on hints, even ones that I do no qualify as hints. HOWEVER, to some extent, Aspies can work on things and learn to communicate, that is half of it. Of course, they have to be willing. 3 years ago, I could have said to my husband "If you don't help me, I am going to die." He inevitably would have stared at me blankly unsure of what I was trying to say...so I would have to spell out that I am wanting him to help me "Please help me." And he would jump on it. Today, however, I could probably sat the latter, and he would be able to act on it. Not because he understand what I am saying so much, but because he LEARNED it. It's like telling someone the answer to question 5 on the test is "B", they won't know why, they won't understand it, but they will know to always circle "B" on number 5.

Believe me, I understand exactly what you are going through. Some days are better, some days are worse. And if your relationship is anything like mine, you probably feel more alone with your AS partner, than without him on most days. And then there are worse days where you do dream of what it would be like to have normal relationship. You know, with someone that will actually like the idea of going out and socializing. Someone that will acknowledge when you get dressed up, someone that would plan a future together, that would have greater hopes and dreams than sitting on the couch every weekend and Friday nights. Someone that would surprise you with a trip, a....a....anything really. Someone that would actually value you as a person and encourage your dreams, and help you to cultivate a passion, to achieve your greatest hopes...but it never comes. There is truly nothing more lonely, because some days, not only does it feel like they are not with you, but that they are against you.

These do not get better. It is exhausting. It is draining. It is something that you have to resolve yourself to living with. You have to learn to lean on others for hope, encouragement, support, and even love sometimes. It is a hard and heartbreaking road to travel, but we vowed a vow. And now, we are paying for it. Most of all, if you have not found Jesus Christ in all of this, He is your only hope at saving your marriage. There is no one and nothing great enough to motivate a person to keep going in such a relationship. It will only be Christ....

Best wishes to you! I know it is very tough, some days excruciating....</3
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Mariyah » Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:52 pm

Hi 'marriedtoanaspie',

I recognize a lot in your writing. I have only be in a relationship with a guy that I am sure has Asperger's. I only found out after the break-up.

I'm glad you are a believer, because God gives us hope, even when things seem hopeless.
I wish you a lot of strength, your road is not easy. God bless you!!
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Sandrine » Mon Dec 03, 2018 1:55 am

Please help me.

I have suffered in silence, being alone with my partner for ~30 years: I don't think I should do this anymore.

I'm losing my mind and she seems to be getting WORSE.
Every pound of cure leads to me pounding my fists as new behaviors mount increasingly.
It feels like the PDD redoubles against all efforts to negotiate and modulate: obstructionism?

The passivity and aggression are astounding.
I am tired of repeating myself on the simplest questions, like what time is it?
I am frustrated that I cannot for want or trying deal with no apologies, no back and forth, no spontaneity, etcetera.

I feel like a parent, but I didn't want to be...not to my lover for God's sake.

I feel broken and stupid.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Sandrine » Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:24 pm

I think God gives us choices too...we just have to make them sometimes. Sometimes it is ok to choose in your own favor...I keep having to tell myself.
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:55 am

you can't change people. the more you try the worse you will feel. all you can do is try to find people that you do relate to.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Exhausted - Married to an Aspie

Postby Sandrine » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:17 pm

Agreed, but I'm stuck for a bit.
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