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New Aspie here

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New Aspie here

Postby hydrangea00 » Thu Jul 16, 2020 12:14 am

Hello. I hope you all are well and healthy. Female in her late 20s here :)
I'm back on the forum after yet another period of severe anxiety and depression, resulting in difficulties with my husband. Because of this, I am once again in therapy, which seems to be going well. In a couple days, I'll be meeting with a psychiatrist for an initial intake and potential "treatment plan", whatever that will be. My doctor has prescribed me short-term anxiety medication to keep me relatively sane in the meantime.
My therapist very strongly believes I am "high-functioning" [in quotes, because I don't know how one really differentiates the functioning] Asperger's, and wants me to bring it up with the psychiatrist.
I took two of the extensive "self-diagnosis" tests I found on this forum, and was absolutely shocked at some of the questions. This is because they described things I thought only I went through (!) and things that have led me to be constantly misunderstood all my life (!). I ended up with a very high score strongly indicating Asperger's on both evaluations.
I am a performing artist: obsessiveness and focus with a "special interest", so to speak, has dictated my entire life in honing my craft, and it has required a lot of time alone that would be justified for NTs in my career path. Unfortunately, life is not a meritocracy, and my social and communication challenges have hindered me in a lot of ways. I won't bore you all with details as to the symptoms because, as per the evaluations and my own reading over the past few weeks, literally every single one speaks to me. I will instead simply reiterate feeling like I just exist on a different plane among NT individuals, and this includes my family: I have always been the black sheep, and while they have respected and supported my talents growing up, they never understood me as a person. I really hate being around people in general; for so many years, I was able to put up a facade however exhausting it was. In spite of that, people still always seemed to sense I was "off", but I was still liked. Now, that is not so; I cannot keep up this facade any longer. I'm just too tired and really past the point of caring, and my attitudes have become quite misanthropic and anti-social. I really just want to meet more minds like mine. Even though I am married, I spent a lot of time alone, and while my husband really does love me, he is hoping I become more well adjusted through therapy and potentially more medication. I think that could all certainly reduce my daily anxiety but I don't think it will help the fact that I am simply wired *differently* through no fault of my own. I have no idea how to cope or communicate my difficulties to my husband or family, without them interpreting it as "I'm an asshole, and I'm sorry I can't fix it". I often simply shut down emotionally around them. I guess that's why, right now, my therapist is trying to work with me on opening myself up for communication. I really hate it. I don't know why I am obligated to engage with others.
It might go without saying that I feel even more out of place considering I am a woman. Seems almost all Asperger's are male. Do you guys ever get blamed for coming off as "rude" and "obnoxious"? A lot of times, I'm simply not aware of my tone of voice and I believe I am being honest and/or helpful. It's really hard for me to not understand why I have hurt someone's feelings. For example, I really hate being touched lightly by my family, supposedly a gesture of affection and care. I will usually jump and react very badly, which is apparently offensive, even though I feel they are offending my personal boundaries as I really hate being touched in that way. Let me know if you guys have similar experiences, I just went though this yet again today, and looking for some solidarity.
hydrangea00
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