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Autistic husband

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Autistic husband

Postby TheCollective » Thu Jul 25, 2019 9:31 am

So we have almost 4 year old twins. One has officially been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. My husband has autism too. He received his diagnosis a little over a year ago. He works full time as a software developer at 2 hours commute a day. So he's barely at home and hasn't had much chance to learn how to deal with our cannonball son (dad and son are total opposites) and the general noise and chaos of young twins. Of course when he gets home he's exhausted as well but weekends usually aren't better.
So I really love my husband and we've been together for over 14 years and got through so much. I just really need him to have a better relationship with our children. To tolerate more of them. And most preferably to even think about their behavior and use creative parenting skills to bend situations before he becomes overwhelmed. I know I'm asking a lot and I don't know if he'll ever be able to do it. I mean it already is a lot for any man, autistic or not to deal with everything revolving our son. But given my husband and son's specific limitations and characteristics it seems to make it infinitely more difficult for him, and in the long run for my son too.
It's just sad that they're not having a real good bond and that my husband feels moody, sad and incapable about his parenting most of the time. It's gotten to the point where he almost walked out for good because he just can't handle it, even though I know that that is really not what he wants.
Anyone have any ideas about what to do to improve this situation?
~TheCollective, F. 31

Dx DID, C-PTSD, BPD. Suspect bipolar.
Rx citalopram 20 mg, depakine 600 mg, abilify 5 mg
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Re: Autistic husband

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Jul 27, 2019 2:18 am

you need to look at the positives: you have a husband that has a job, you have children, you basically have a stable family life. pushing him to address the issues he has might well undermine that stability. i can well imagine that he's stressed enough as it is. i know this isn't very helpful but please be careful not to make your situation worse. it may be that in time things will improve. autism is far better understood now than it was in the past. my advice is simply to try to hang in there.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Autistic husband

Postby Philonoe » Sun Jul 28, 2019 5:58 pm

I have no experience nor am I expert.
What i read is that your husband can't handle having both to work hard and take care of the children - or even just be besides them. From what you said, it seems just impossible for him to deal with all that. Is it right? I imagine that for you it isn't always easy either.

You talk about building "a real good bond" between father and chidren. What do you mean by that? Do you expect that he has strong presence, that he plays with them? Or that he gives you some help to deal with the twins? I imagine that they need lot of attention...

I don't know about your situation but is it possible for you to get some help outside of you four? Be family, grand parents, baby sitter etc?
Besides, is it possible that you manage the space to have some peace inside the home, with less noise in some place, to be able to rest? Be for your husband, or maybe for the two of you? Is it possible to let the children stay at school for longer time or be with a babysitter and go to the park or something?

I've read somewhere that with chidren one needs to do the same like in airplanes : the parents need to save themselves, through using oxygen masks before they use them for the children.

And if for instance your husband needs to rest during the week-end and stay away from the children, that doesn't mean that the bond doesn't exist and is good for both of them.

Well, just some thoughts.
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Re: Autistic husband

Postby TheCollective » Sat Aug 03, 2019 6:55 am

No we do not have any babysitters.
The thing I guess I want most is for him to be happier and able to enjoy our little monsters. And that he understands our son better.
I already do everything revolving the children and I do often take them away from dad during weekends for his rest. They go to bed at 6.30 so we have all evening every day. I don't know what else I can do. My son attends medical daycare for autism 4 full days a week and my daughter will go to elementary school when she turns 4. We are supposed to have help from son's daycare but we had to switch caregiver because the old one had sudden personal issues and the new one is taking a while to start, with summer holiday and all.
~TheCollective, F. 31

Dx DID, C-PTSD, BPD. Suspect bipolar.
Rx citalopram 20 mg, depakine 600 mg, abilify 5 mg
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