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Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

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Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby MelR » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:13 pm

Hi all. I hope this posts finds you well. I have a dilemma and no one to turn to really.
My boyfriend has aspergers and he’s very sexual which isn’t a problem except he tells me that’s like the only way to bond with him and me coming from a sexually traumatic background that’s the last thing I want to hear and as a result of my background I am not very sexual. The problem isn’t the sex though or him think we have good sex it’s just I have all this trauma and anxiety surrounding sex with other people (not masturbation though) and he takes it personal like I am not attracted to him when really I am attracted to him. Although all the importance and emphasis and unnecessary stress he has placed on sex and surrounding sex makes me want it less though. I don’t know what to do.
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:50 pm

i'm sorely tempted to say: it seems to be working! :wink: and this definitely isn't an aspie thing, unless you count it as some sort of 'special interest'. i'd actually say that most aspies are quite the opposite. if you don't like it, don't do it. it's your life.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby MelR » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:43 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:i'm sorely tempted to say: it seems to be working! :wink: and this definitely isn't an aspie thing, unless you count it as some sort of 'special interest'. i'd actually say that most aspies are quite the opposite. if you don't like it, don't do it. it's your life.

Why do you mean it seems to be working? And I only posted it in this aspie forum because I know allies have particular interests and these seem to be one of his.
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby thegentlepath » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:00 pm

The two of you are not compatible.
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:54 pm

MelR wrote:Why do you mean it seems to be working? And I only posted it in this aspie forum because I know allies have particular interests and these seem to be one of his.


I'm guessing that shocky meant;


he tells me that’s like the only way to bond with him


or in other words.. you seem to be pretty bonded and obsessing over this guy - but ultimately, if it's not working for you, then it's not working for you
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Sep 16, 2018 7:20 pm

without wanting to dig myself into too much of a hole, sexual relationships are ultimately about sex. now, true enough, aspies can obsess about almost anything. however, it's not remotely unusual for NTs to be obsessed about sex. after all, it's kind of essential for evolution.

so, that said, i suggest you look at this from a more NT, rather than aspie, perspective. is this relationship fulfilling for you? what would make it better? is that achievable?

you say you have issues with sex due to abuse. this ought to be something he's taking into consideration. it doesn't sound much to me like that's happening. it rather begs the question whether you actually matter or you're just being used. now, i can't answer that for you, however, my guess is that this is what's making you unhappy.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby MelR » Mon Sep 17, 2018 7:39 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:without wanting to dig myself into too much of a hole, sexual relationships are ultimately about sex. now, true enough, aspies can obsess about almost anything. however, it's not remotely unusual for NTs to be obsessed about sex. after all, it's kind of essential for evolution.

so, that said, i suggest you look at this from a more NT, rather than aspie, perspective. is this relationship fulfilling for you? what would make it better? is that achievable?

you say you have issues with sex due to abuse. this ought to be something he's taking into consideration. it doesn't sound much to me like that's happening. it rather begs the question whether you actually matter or you're just being used. now, i can't answer that for you, however, my guess is that this is what's making you unhappy.

Yes you are right there on the money it makes me feel used or like that’s all I am good for.
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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby seabreezeblue » Mon Sep 17, 2018 8:19 pm

MelR wrote:Yes you are right there on the money it makes me feel used or like that’s all I am good for.


then forget about the Aspergers and trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to make him comfy.. if you're being hurt by him, then this isn't the right relationship for you. You don't have to put up with this x
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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Re: Aspie BF with traumatized GF sex problems

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Sep 17, 2018 11:36 pm

seabreezeblue wrote:
MelR wrote:Yes you are right there on the money it makes me feel used or like that’s all I am good for.


then forget about the Aspergers and trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to make him comfy.. if you're being hurt by him, then this isn't the right relationship for you. You don't have to put up with this x

... i have to agree with SBB. this doesn't sound like it's working for you. and my guess is that you've already had this conversation with him, or you wouldn't be here.

you really need to have the self-esteem to say that your feelings are getting hurt and this needs to change. and if it doesn't, walk away.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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