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My own advice: the meta message

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My own advice: the meta message

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:30 pm

(pulled from another thread): advice I should take more often myself

I think the secret lies in striking a balance between the message and the other-message. The message being: you do vwxyz and it bothers me. The other message being: how *could* you do that? It's related to the idea that in everyone there exists both an adult and a child. Provided you've phrased it correctly, the adult hears the message. But the child still hears the other message, and then converts it to: you're a horrible person, I don't love you!!! It's almost impossible for the child *not* to hear that, even when you're perfectly polite, mature, respectful, diplomatic. The adult will "get" all that. The child won't. And there's no sense expecting people not to have a child-side. They *will* have it. So the trick is in respecting both sides, the child and the adult. Finding a way to speak to both of them. You speak to the adult with reason and logic. You speak to the child by recognizing and soothing his emotions.

In other words, I don't think you have to give up being direct and honest. Those are good qualities, and they serve a real purpose. But if you throw in some sugar for the child at the same time, you likely be more effective. It's not an either-or. It's about finding a balance between speaking to someone's inner adult and speaking to their inner child.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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