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sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

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sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Aug 02, 2018 5:46 am

(This is an excerpt from another thread)

Does sex feel frustrating/disappointing?

I can relate to craving something, without being able to articulate quite what, and a profound disappointment at the difference between what I imagine and what is.

Do you experience this craving as an emptiness within yourself or a kind of deficit in your partner? (Or both?)

For me, I've always seen it as a deficit in my partner (few as those partners have been). I feel like I'm a slot filler, a path to orgasm, rather than a person in my own right. I feel like they are fully well aware of this and yet playing the game... because they want to get off. I feel like we're each using the other person for something, Eventually, I gave up trying to find a connection through sex or intimacy.

What goes through your mind during sex? Are you "present" or detached? Are you more conscious of the physical sensations or of the emotions at play?

I'm very detached, contemptuous, seeing the whole "sex" thing as something to be endured rather than experienced and enjoyed. I think I go into survival mode: thinking only about myself and getting it over with while trying to betray as little of these emotions as possible.

What makes sex good or bad? Are you conscious of acting or playing a role during sex?

I don't know. For me, sex is a profoundly solitary/alienating experience. I'm well aware that that's not how I'm "supposed" to feel, which only makes things worse. I feel like during sex I become a blank, letting my partner do whatever they want while silently hating them for it and making sure they know I hate them for it. This only emphasizes the contractual nature of the thing. They're getting what they want/need without caring about me as a person, viewing me simply as a means to an end, while I'm getting something I want/need by allowing it. There is a thinly veiled contempt beneath the whole thing. Both of us, I think, are well aware of what we're doing, and what we're giving up by doing it. The problem is neither of us can find any other way to get our needs met. Thus sex becomes incredibly melancholy, a false and desperate sort of play.

Do you ever look at other couples and envy them? What do you envy? Do you ever feel pity/disgust for other couples and their sex lives?

I look at other couples in wonder and disgust. Wonder at their desire for sex and disgust at the the whole sex thing itself, why it would be desired. And then that makes me feel like a freak.

Do you feel differently about sex looking back on it after it happens versus in the moment?

In the beginning, I may have tried to romanticize things after the fact. Nowadays, the sooner forgotten the better. Like using the toilet.

Does intimacy (sexual or otherwise) ever scare or repulse you?

Any intimacy or dependency can repulse me. I feel suffocated, and I detach.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby Tanoujin » Thu Aug 02, 2018 8:18 am

Pamelaperejil, just to make sure... you are a heterosexual cis-woman? Have a nice day anyway :)
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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Aug 02, 2018 8:20 am

Tanoujin wrote:Pamelaperejil, just to make sure... you are a heterosexual cis-woman? Have a nice day anyway :)


Yes. Why?
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby Tanoujin » Thu Aug 02, 2018 11:47 am

Because what you describe is quite typical for the early default state of cis-female heterosexual encounters with the male-dominated mainstream practices.
So the good news is, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you, but the bad news is, you are indeed having bad sex.

I remember having this kind of sexual intercourse as a young male for a long time. I just did not know better. My feelings were ambiguous. On the one hand, I got some bodily satisfaction, on the other hand I felt this was not okay on an interpersonal level.

Mythology tells that Aphrodite, the greek goddess of love, teaches language to the mute urge. In fact this was the solution to me. As you write, the topic is still taboo, to such a degree that lovers do not talk on the pillow. This is a big mistake.

Let me affirm some things you write:
You feel disappointed. Tell your partner. Explain what you would like to happen, what you want to do, how you want to be treated.
Tell him you want to be treated as a person, not an object. Tell him you do not find a connection this way.
Do not ever descend into absentmindedness while having intercourse. Do not let things happen to you you do not like. There is a fluent border to a victim’s attitude. This spoils the whole experience and much more - maybe your friendship, in every case your dignity, leading to exactly this feeling of „false and desperate sort of play“ you describe.

By the way, it is not important „how you are supposed to feel“. Trust your feelings! It is not okay and you are surely not a freak.

If you start talking you will stumble over the male tendency to have tech talk while you are trying to talk about emotions, still seeing you as a device, trying to find the right buttons to press. But that can be overcome with some training.

Of course there may be other things in your life, more important than sex, but it surely should not be something you have to endure!

I hope this helps a bit. Kind regards.
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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:08 pm

That's kind of you, but I'm not sure you understand.

I find any sort of personal interaction in real life frustrating, boring, and very unpleasant. Even with people I like. I can maybe tolerate them for about 5 minutes, then I'm done. My interpersonal experiences mirror my experiences with sex. It's something I'm supposed to enjoy and crave, but just don't. In real life I'd almost prefer to live as though other people don't exist, and if fact I sort of tune them out most of the time.

I'm trying to figure out if this is an aspie thing, because the whole mimicry thing doesn't apply to me. I don't mimic people. I ignore people. It's not a "mask", it's really how I feel.

Then online it's the exact opposite.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby Tanoujin » Thu Aug 02, 2018 6:45 pm

hm, okay... I do not want to bother you... nor do I have the nerve to read all your 200-something posts to learn more about your personality at the moment... looks like it is much more complicated than I thought... nevertheless you nailed something that is a problem for non-Aspies too and I do not know if it is Aspie-specific at all. So I will follow this thread in silence for a while to see if someone finds a more appropriate reply :)
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Re: sex- (taboo, I know. feel free to skip over)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Aug 02, 2018 8:55 pm

Tanoujin wrote: So I will follow this thread in silence for a while to see if someone finds a more appropriate reply :)


No worries.

You're free to comment, as far as i am concerned. I'm just not sure how much direct bearing this has on the thread.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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pamelaperejil
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