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Did you ever go into hiding?

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Did you ever go into hiding?

Postby pamelaperejil » Fri Jul 27, 2018 8:21 pm

... your "self", I mean. Did you ever learn to pretend to be somebody else? Copy others? Lose yourself?

I did this growing up, to fit in. I couldn't learn to copy others, so instead I just let myself die. Walked around like a Zombie. My real self went into hibernation, only to come out now in full force, like a genie finally let out of a bottle after 1,000 years. I think this is where this impulse (compulsion?) towards self expression comes from. Emotional exhibitionism. From being repressed. From being shamed. From being told my real self wasn't good enough. From having to hide. In doing this, I imagine I'm hitting a developmental milestone I missed the first time around.

Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe this hiding (disciplining?) of the self IS the developmental milestone. To understand the need to supress the self for one's own sake and the sake of others. To exercise self mastery.

Am I finding myself? Or just refusing to grow up?
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Did you ever go into hiding?

Postby pamelaperejil » Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:50 am

THE WORST ADVICE (YOUTUBE):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPf9CLMG2Es
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Did you ever go into hiding?

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:06 pm

That's part of socialization, fitting in with your society. For some, it's easy (NT's). For the rest of us, it takes effort and then some. I spent my whole life trying to do what I thought was the american dream. I accomplished it and then wondered how the hell I got here. So, I was socialized but now I am regressing back to who I really was. It requires too much energy to keep it up.
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Re: Did you ever go into hiding?

Postby NaiveInu » Thu Oct 25, 2018 4:07 pm

I entered this topic with the intention of talking about the moment when I hid myself behind a shopping cart in the street because my mom yelled at me but I guess this is not my topic
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Re: Did you ever go into hiding?

Postby KitMcDaydream » Tue Feb 19, 2019 3:58 pm

pamelaperejil wrote:... your "self", I mean. Did you ever learn to pretend to be somebody else? Copy others? Lose yourself?

I did this growing up, to fit in. I couldn't learn to copy others, so instead I just let myself die. Walked around like a Zombie. My real self went into hibernation, only to come out now in full force, like a genie finally let out of a bottle after 1,000 years. I think this is where this impulse (compulsion?) towards self expression comes from. Emotional exhibitionism. From being repressed. From being shamed. From being told my real self wasn't good enough. From having to hide. In doing this, I imagine I'm hitting a developmental milestone I missed the first time around.

Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe this hiding (disciplining?) of the self IS the developmental milestone. To understand the need to supress the self for one's own sake and the sake of others. To exercise self mastery.

Am I finding myself? Or just refusing to grow up?


Yes I experienced such severe bullying at school that when by chance I suffered hearing problems I took the opportunity to 'become deaf' went to a college for the deaf which was the only schooling I actually enjoyed and thrived under a new persona.

I was so gutted when my hearing started returning I didn't tell anyone and continued to live as a deaf person (publicly) my entire life. There was no internet back then I wasn't dx with autism until my last year of uni at age 27 and only learned about auditory processing disorder recently and relaised the reason I struggled with group situations and understanding speech but could hear quieter sounds.

I can now only function publicly as other persona's/alters and have had a few throughout my entire life. I live a quiet isolated life now with no social pressures and this has allowed my original self to re-emerge and be myself for most of every day as long as no-one else is here.

Someone unexpectedly knocking on the door triggers panic (I've disconnected the doorbell) and I lose the ability to speak. If I do feel I need to answer cos it maybe something like prescription delivery I answer the door as one of my alters usually the deaf one so their expectation that I will speak is taken away (I just sign deaf and hand them a notepad and pen to write it down but usually they'll just say 'oh sorry, didn't relaise' or something to that effect and leave!) I can't answer a phone or use video messages. I'd love to live off-grid in the wilderness that would be my dream. No unexpected visitors or officials to deal with. Just me and my animals!
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