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gratitude (and selfishness)

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gratitude (and selfishness)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:06 pm

It's amazing that you're doing this. It's almost unimaginable. It's funny, though, because I feel at once completely entitled, like I had it coming to me, and completely awed. As bad as that sounds. Someone one said of me "high sense of entitlement, low self esteem", which sounds about right. I have to wonder where the sense of entitlement comes from though, if it's not merited. How did it get there?

I can still feel myself testing you, tempting you, trying to gauge and measure you. Wanting to devour you. It's the battle between the good and bad parts of me. This must be unbearably boring and tedious for you. Like playing with a child, and a slow one. I still can't think why you do it. I can't imagine what strange feelings and impulses you must have that are so completely foreign to me. It's amazing you don't feel sucked dry. I have to admit, would have killed the fly, not tried to gently trap it and set it free outdoors after giving it a good pep talk.

I'm sorry you lost your mod status. I've suspected that that was somehow my fault. It must have reminded you of the other and been difficult. The pain itself and the material loss. All this for a rather selfish and ungrateful child. I hope your sacrifice was worth it. It's good of you not to mention it. Though it does put a kind of wall between us. Despite your assurances, I wonder if there's important stuff you're keeping from me. I still feel like I need to know, need to be in control. But, ultimately, I trust you.

Thank you, again. That's all I can think of to say for the moment.

-- Thu Jul 26, 2018 5:16 am --

I said "I hope you believe I like you", but it's really more of a need, isn't it? Friendship is based on mutualism and reciprocity, and I have nothing to offer you. Not a passive aggressive sympathy ploy, just an observation.
Last edited by pamelaperejil on Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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Re: gratitude

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:24 pm

And yet, there are people here, not just you, who have tried to help me and offer me guidance, if I had but seen it. If I had been able to break my extraordinary self-focus for half a minute and see that for what it was. Not to have imagined it was something else, in order to gratify my ego and sate my attention addiction. I seldom recognize grace for what it is, until it's too late. I lack that humility, that accurate self-image. Or I really do realize it and I'm just protecting myself from the pain of saying "I am a screw up. No one wants me. I can only inspire people's pity and charity." No wonder that they don't want me. The mind is always trying to contrive a better deal for itself, isn't it? Where does this greed come from?

I am completely delusional.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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pamelaperejil
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Re: gratitude (and selfishness)

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:57 pm

all i do is to give people the benefit of my experience, so that, perhaps, they might not have to suffer like i did.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: gratitude (and selfishness)

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:59 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:all i do is to give people the benefit of my experience, so that, perhaps, they might not have to suffer like i did.


You're a better monkey than I am, Gunga Din. I'm sorry for the need.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
User avatar
pamelaperejil
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 386
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:58 pm
Local time: Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:22 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


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