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Self sustaining

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Self sustaining

Postby pamelaperejil » Wed Jul 25, 2018 9:50 pm

Being an adult means providing for yourself, for your own physical and emotional needs. The amount of help and sustenance I've sought, felt entitled to, and helped myself to recently seems incompatible with the idea of being an adult. Likewise the infringement on other people and their time, space, and needs. Needing others to sacrifice for my sake.

And yet... I need it. Or do I? We are not all created equal, and yet, am I a child or an adult?

I feel tired, hopeless, helpless. I feel like I've been fighting the good fight my whole life but never getting anywhere. I feel like I deserve help. But at what cost to others?

I always wanted to be the one extending grace, not receiving it. It's humiliating. Selfish. Weak. And yet what of the people who just can't do it. What are they, something less than human? How much slack should I cut myself versus how much I should expect of myself?

I'm about out of gas. Where do I go from here?
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby pamelaperejil » Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:26 pm

The last full time job I worked: they're currently on the verge of bankrupcy (have been for a while). That's IF the health department doesn't shut them down first. I quit about 6 months ago.
Since then, multiple reports of food poisoning, bad service, bad food. Unscrupulous business tactics. I worked there for months, without a schedule. Working 7 days a week, 15-16 hour days and cutting every corner in the book just to get by. (Of course people are getting food poisoning. I'm surprised they haven't killed someone yet). On demand of management. It killed me. I don't like cutting corners, but I was working every waking hour of the day, for pennies.

I was the only employee in the back of the house, including the dish pit. Every day, 7 days a week. I was being paid a salary less than minimum wage while my employer skimmed money off the top of some of my "under the table" earnings (she insisted on under the table. She didn't want to get caught pulling the sketchy $#%^ she was doing, and didn't seem to realize all i would have to do was report them to labor law. Which, of course, I never did.) They denied any wrongdoing, glossed it over, gaslighted the hell out of me (they knew I was homeless and borderline. IF I'm borderline. The homeless part is kind of voluntary.) They bled me dry, ignored my protests over their incompetence, and then demonized me after I left. You can believe I'm making this up or exaggerating if you like. I'm the one who's seen the YELP reviews of this place, going back for years. I'm the one who was there, not just this job but these series of jobs, each worse than the other. And no chance of getting out. Having to submit until I just couldn't anymore. I can keep trying but I'm not likely to get a different result than the one I've been getting. And I don't think that's entirely my fault.

I have no money, no training, no chance of working in another industry. I'm stuck here, where I'm likely to keep getting the same result. All these people see in me is a potential target.

This seems like it's never going to end. What should I do? Not a suicide threat. A real question.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Jul 25, 2018 11:30 pm

i don't have an answer to this. i haven't worked for 8 years now and i'm never going to again. i'm just waiting to get to the end of this life.

one of the biggest disadvantages that aspies have is their inability to network. this severely limits their opportunities in life. and, if my experience is anything to go by, once you're down you're out.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Jul 26, 2018 12:18 am

I was in a psych ward recently. 90% of the people in there are much worse off than me. I guess I don't have too much to complain about. 90% of the people on this site probably do too.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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pamelaperejil
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Thu Jul 26, 2018 11:01 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:i don't have an answer to this. i haven't worked for 8 years now and i'm never going to again. i'm just waiting to get to the end of this life.


What is this stage? It doesn't feel like depression. Maybe just a lower, low level depression? I feel like this is part of the Schizoid side but maybe Autism done burned out.
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby pamelaperejil » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:07 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:i don't have an answer to this. i haven't worked for 8 years now and i'm never going to again. i'm just waiting to get to the end of this life.

one of the biggest disadvantages that aspies have is their inability to network. this severely limits their opportunities in life. and, if my experience is anything to go by, once you're down you're out.


I'm so sorry for what happened to you. For what continues happening to you.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
User avatar
pamelaperejil
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:47 pm

iabsurdlyexist wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:i don't have an answer to this. i haven't worked for 8 years now and i'm never going to again. i'm just waiting to get to the end of this life.


What is this stage? It doesn't feel like depression. Maybe just a lower, low level depression? I feel like this is part of the Schizoid side but maybe Autism done burned out.

... i'm just resigned to the fact that nothing ever works out for me, no matter how hard i try. and i'm too old and too broken to ever try again. i was so traumatised by being sacked that i didn't go out of the house for over a year. it really was that bad. i'll never let anyone have that kind of control over my life again. death, when it comes, will be a release from this hell.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Posts: 4930
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Thu Jul 26, 2018 3:57 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:... i'm just resigned to the fact that nothing ever works out for me, no matter how hard i try. and i'm too old and too broken to ever try again. i was so traumatised by being sacked that i didn't go out of the house for over a year. it really was that bad. i'll never let anyone have that kind of control over my life again. death, when it comes, will be a release from this hell.


I've only been out a year but fairly discouraged about going back. Unfortunately, I have a family to support or else I'd be out for good. Have you shared your story previously on this site that I could find? A bit curious as to what you have been through and wondering if I have been going through similar things.
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Re: Self sustaining

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jul 26, 2018 5:04 pm

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Have you shared your story previously on this site that I could find? A bit curious as to what you have been through and wondering if I have been going through similar things.

... i'm sure you'll find some prior references to this if you look, however, i doubt very much that they'll be of much value to you.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4930
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:40 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Self sustaining

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Fri Jul 27, 2018 12:07 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:... i'm sure you'll find some prior references to this if you look, however, i doubt very much that they'll be of much value to you.


Yeah, if it wasn't for your post count, I would have put in some more effort. It's all good, I'm sure this phase will pass eventually.
Dx: SPD/AvPD/BP2
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