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Held back

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Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:37 am

Was anyone else held back in preschool (or other year) because of stunted emotional development? I was held back 1 year in preschool. But I was still behind when I did go. They had to move me on because cognitively I was ready. Throughout the school years, I was about 3 years emotionally behind everyone else, though academically advanced. I used to identify with my younger sister's friends and wish I could be her age. I didn't recognize this as a problem though. I guess I equated being immature and naive with being a "good girl". My parents must have known but did nothing, said nothing.
Last edited by pamelaperejil on Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Held back

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:42 am

Willing to provide any more detail? Not sure if it's too personal but I am curious as to what the circumstance are behind holding someone back for that reason.

I was the quiet kid. I think most assumed I was getting by just fine. Well, I am also older and I think unless you were acting out, they just left you alone back then.
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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:44 am

I was considered cognitively ready but not emotionally ready. Even in preschool, I was considered weird and immature, though I didn't realize. I never socialized, never wanted to. I hated the game of "house". I was lost in daydreams where I spent most of my time until into my 30s. Cried too easily.
I don't remember. The reasons were never discussed with me, and I only recently realized I had been held back. Always thought it was odd that I was the oldest of my classmates throughout school.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 3:50 am --

At age 2, something went wrong. I changed somehow, stopped smiling, became depressed and withdrawn. I never knew, only found out by reading my mom's diaries years later.

Something similar happened to my sister, if I recall.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:54 am

I wet the bed till I was like 10.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:00 am --

Pacing back and forth. Needing to be in constant motion. Not able to sit still. Figiting, playing pretend piano. Rocking back and forth. Stroking myself. Tapping my feet.

Difficulty concentrating. Difficulty remembering faces- almost impossible. Remembering personalities. Did not pay attention to people at all. Lost in my own head.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Held back

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:04 pm

I can side with the immature, naive and "good boy". I don't remember crying easily but it could have been a thing until I shut down in the 5-6 year old range. I did have meltdowns in my teens when trying to stay employed.

Unlike others, I was never bullied for being the quiet smart kid that just did what he needed to do. I feel sorry for those that were put into situations like that. I believe part of it was my demeanor for not being reactive. It wasn't worth pestering me.

The stories I hear about Autism usually signal a change in the toddler years. I wish my mom had a diary or was it least still alive.
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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:07 pm

Always wanted to be much younger than I was. In adolescence, wanted to be much younger. Felt disgusted by my age.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:08 am --

Wore pigtails/braids into junior high. Brought stuffed animals with me to school in high school.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:12 am --

Could not bear to watch most forms of t.v. (except documantaries, science channels) because they were too overstimulating. UPSET me when Gargamel would try to get the Smurfs or when Kermit and Miss Piggy broke up. UPSET UPSET me, made me uncomfortable. Made my stomach churn. Couldn't watch. Emotions too intense. Couldn't handle it.

I was 18 or 19 before I could watch t.v. without my stomach churning.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:17 am --

Couldn't play games for the same reason. Tag, hide and seek. Hated any form of competition. Stressed me unhappy and stressed.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:19 pm

Was forced to socialize a lot after 12 because I was Mormon. They have a young women's society. I would lock myself in the bathroom.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:25 am --

pamelaperejil wrote:My parents must have known but did nothing, said nothing.


I was getting good grades and besides the bizarre behavior was no trouble in school or with my peers. Painfully shy. I think my parents liked it that way. Made me easier to control.

My sister (1 year younger) was age appropriate. Had friends, wore makeup, listened to music, liked boys. They punished her. Not because she did anything wrong, but simply for having friends at all, for being popular. Grounded her for 6 months for no reason, so she would not be able to join the cheerleading squad. They had no friends themselves and were afraid of the social power she had. They liked me because they knew I had none. It made me less of a threat.

-- Sun Jul 22, 2018 4:25 am --

I'm sure this stuff is nothing compared to what 95% of people on this site had to deal with.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

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Re: Held back

Postby iabsurdlyexist » Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:35 pm

pamelaperejil wrote:I'm sure this stuff is nothing compared to what 95% of people on this site had to deal with.


I have been doing research for almost two years now into personality and disorders. I have read so many horrible things people have gone through. I think I have had it easy but I have been told I was most likely emotionally abused when I was very young. My mom questioned sexually abused but I have no recollection of that. Her paranoia kind of throws a wrench into whatever she thought. Anyway, since I have shut down (Schizoid) and dissociate, nothing really seems that bad. That in itself may be a sign of how bad it was. However, I am usually an optimist full of sunshine and rainbows. Naive and childlike much? :)
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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:37 pm

Would lie still and daydream instead playing with the other kids. Or not daydream, sometimes just vegetate. For hours and hours. As an adult, do the same thing or sleep excessively. 12+ hours a day.

Freaked out at parties because I didn't know how to act. Was ashamed and appalled that I seemed to be the only one not to know what to do, what to say. Everyone else knew instinctively.

Would cry, throw a fit, and lock myself in the bathroom.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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Re: Held back

Postby pamelaperejil » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:49 pm

I have had social problems at every job I've ever had, though I did the work just fine. I worked so efficiently that often I wound up doing the work that it had taken two or even three people to do before I was hired.

While they stood around, goofing around, criticizing my work and complaining that I wasn't enough of a team player. Which apparently means standing around socializing while watching someone else do their work. And then talking $#%^, trying to get me in trouble with the management, trying to get me fired. Assuming the people doing this weren't themselves the management.

I wound up in the hospital once, fighting an autoimmune flair up triggered by working myself to death while other people goofed around. I nearly died. When I came back to work (still very sick and barely walking) they tried to pull the same thing. I complained to management about the problem and was blown off. So I quit... knowing that if I didn't the job would kill me. They got pissed and gave me a bad reference. Made it impossible to find a job without lying on my resume.

I could go on but... a lot of stories like that.
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
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pamelaperejil
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