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Need some help to correcting/improving my mind

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Need some help to correcting/improving my mind

Postby strangemind » Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:06 am

Hi everyone!

Before I get started very long post, I would like to introduce to myself a bit to you for giving some background info so you can help me. I really need some serious help right now, and I have tried a lot of things I knew from my research but have not been able to figure out yet. Just today I found that myself like i have lot of common with Aspergers Syndrome, so thought about asking here.

Background info:
[*] I am 30 right now
[*] Not married (but going to be married very soon in few months)
[*] I am smart enough with my mind as I can do things a lot better than people around me (get appreciation a lot all the time)
[*] I don't smoke or drink, and 100% healthy physically with slim physiq
[*] My hobbies are Programming, Video games, Music, Movies and Visit/Travel to natural places
[*] Did really good in my studies (got a lot of appreciation) even though I had poor support from either school or family
[*] Was good in most of the things like sports and actives in my child hood
[*] I grew up in multiple places with different people like first 5 years with my parents, 5-10 with my different grand parents and relatives, next 10 years with my parents and new people and next 10 years mostly alone till now

I am struggling last 8+ years due to lack of support from others when I need and due to my ways I follow, but still I did good enough of so far in my view but looks like a failure in others eyes as as I failed to get settled a a job and money now. I have been really got stuck since last year really bad trying to get married.

I HAVE TO GET MARRIED SOON (ARRANGED) AS MY PARENTS INSIST ME AND I HAVE NO CHOICE AS I REALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS RIGHT OPPORTUNITY TO FIND A EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM A PERSON AS MY LIFE PARTNER SO TRYING TO CHECK A LOT ABOUT GIRL BEFORE GETTING MARRIED WHICH IS DELAYING THINGS SINCE LAST YEAR, BUT I HAVE TO PICK ONE VERY SOON BY FIDING A BALANCE.
I DON'T WANT TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY CURRENT MINDSET AS I FAIL A LOT, SO NEED TO ADDRESS AND CHANGE FEW THINGS ABOUT HOW I THINK.

More about me like how I think:

[*] Try to be honest most of the time, why ? I find it difficult telling a lie as I am worried about what happens (or manage) if they find out and feel like I did something wrong just for protecting myself and by doing so hurted or cheated others for my gain as a guilt.

I believe telling a lie in a situation for something good that helps everyone (or other person who needs help) is ok, and I have no problem when I feel this way. But hard to tell a lie for my self even if I did unable to handle it properly mostly.

[*] I find really awkward in social activities that involves people I do not know. I am really fine attending (even creating or managing) parties with people I know (friends who I trust), but I cannot go to parties or places to socialize where there are people (lot of) I don’t know.

[*] I try to judge things based on morals as I try to stick to that no matter what happens to myself most of the time, and my mind does not let me swing away from moral decisions and asks me to suffer (and also people depend on me) saying thats the good thing to do and time/karma will take care of you soon and it will be over. If try to make decisions not as per morals for my self as world is doing it a lot and hard to live truthfully these days but my mind says you are no longer unique or just like anyone so there is no difference between yours and others acts at all, so prevents me to judge and help others as I am not worthy as I am doing things not so moral to protect me just like others who do it even if its bad. I am unable to make fast and good decisions for me due to this as I get a lot dilemma or confusion and end up losing.

[*] I have low self esteem and big insecurity feeling like I am not good enough to others. Reasons are I think not pretty enough about physical attributes (think people will comment me bad or laugh at me especially girls), don’t have big position (even though I am software developer and system engineer that many appreciate but myself look like I am not good enough compared to others by seeing the work of them), do not have big savings (people like money in my experience), think people do not understand or care about me (from my experience almost of the time they disagree to my decisions and ask me to change even if it makes sense) and people do not like me as I do not like to socialize with new people (been told multiple times and people do not hang out with me unless they have work).

[*] I am really bad with women as I failed to have a girl friend so far, and also unable to make eye contact or face them when they are near to me due to my insecurity and low self esteem. I give a lot of special attention to them for some reason like they are superior or something always and avoid facing them.

[*] If I find people do not like or care about me then I can no longer comfortable talking to them at all and like to avoid by speaking to them directly to break relationship or making them realize (but I fail in avoiding it, and people convince me again when they need something from me and I forget the past or my mind goes again in to the mode of thinking they are caring and helps them).

[*] I try to think deeper most of the time in order to give best or perfect results but I fail most of the time even after my efforts due to some reasons. I cannot stop thinking deeper (lot of people said you think a lot) and has been my default.

[*] I easily get distracted emotionally and cannot concentrate anymore like 1-2 days.

PLEASE HELP ME AND SUGGEST WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Thanks

PS: Sorry for using CAPS in some places, just did for attention.
strangemind
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