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Super high functioning aspie with major anxiety problem...

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Super high functioning aspie with major anxiety problem...

Postby Alexskate » Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:50 am

Hi evryone, im posting on this forum for the first time in hope that someone will be able to help me with my issues. Here's some of my history, i graduated from high school about 7 years and a half ago and although i didn't like the experience (got bullied constantly every single day)i managed to finish it withought too much problems academicly. After i graduated i started working at a restaurant, i didnt have too much issues and i found the work wasent too bad. However one day i got really bad vertigo and i had to stop working there. Now, in the weeks that followed i started to feel more and more anxious and not too good. Now im getting to the important parts...

I spoke to a psychologist for the first time not long after that and told him about my past with the psychological torture that i was put through every single day. I had never spoken of that to anyone up until that moment, i felt a tremendous relief having talked about it with him a few hours later that simply washed over me. However the problem is, the more time went on i was feeling more and more anxious, especially when i continued the talk therapy( the anxiety was rising slowly). Eventually, since i had started getting anxious alot i got a dissociative problem. This was called derialisation, and it was awful. Evrything i saw was like a movie, things moved in the way they do when you watch tv. Im sure many of you are aware of dissociative disorders. Not long after i got racing thoughts which was even worse. Luckily i was referred to a psychiatrist not long after and i started taking seroquel.

I started with 25 mg of seroquel, which made my derealisation go away, and the racing thoughts got much less bad also. I was on it for about a week, and i had never felt so good in my entire life. By far, i was the happiest i had ever been. I not only felt better, i even looked better, i had never smiled so much. Then, i was put on 50 mg of seroquel and it got even better. However what happened is after about 4 days on 50 mg of seroquel, i got some kind of a psychosis. Basicly i think the seroquel brought this forward, it was going to happen anyway eventually considering all the anxiety and problems i was getting every day. Im not going to describe evrything as its way too long to post here, but ill do my best to explain well. Now, i had no idea i had aspergers until about a year ago, and my psychosis happened about 5 years ago. Ive learned many things about how the mind of asperger individuals work and, exceptionally, i am aware of basicly evrything going on with me today(almost)
so i can explain what happened to me in great detail. Evrything im about to say has been confirmed by my pd to be correct, however there is still alot i dont understand. Whats my question? im almost there ! :)

So, i got a psychosis(or somethin similar) for two reasons, first i accumulated a tremendous amount of negative thoughts/thinking towards myself and my apperence(even though i look normal or even attractive) because of the years and years of psychological torture in school. So the negative part of my thoughts took a big part of my mind. Meaning 1/4 of my mind was positive and neutral and lik 3/4 was negative. Now, the negative part of my mind was DORMANT for my entire life until near the end of my therapy sessions, but especially when i took seroquel 25 mg/50 mg it "woke" up the negative part of my mind and also made a space in it. Before the negative part was whole, however it got a hole in it from when i took seroquel. it only took about a week and a half when i was on seroquel for this hole to cause my "psychosis". The reason is, my mind wanted to fill the hole, caused by seroquel,
in the negative part of my mind. My mind started to latch itself onto anything i was thinking of ,making my thoughts turn in a circle, constantly triying to fill the hole/space.

Whew! ok i hope your still with me guys, im gonna go through the rest of the stuff very quickly.
Im posting here in hoping, someone in these forums, has had or knows about a similar experience as i am describing( not done yet) and can confirm for me what i need to do to feel better or have advice.
ok, ill continue:
now i have had two psychiatrists only, and im with the second one. The first one thought i had schizophrenia, but it was ruled out by my second psych really quickly, and i didnt really believe it myself in the first place. He had made me take 800 mg of seroquel and combined it with risperidone, because of the psychosis thing i had lots of brain cells that died and i really could not concentrate or even think too much for while. This medication simply kept me in a stable condition with no changes for about a year and a half(i also took rivotril for my crippling anxiety).I also couldnt do much as any noise or picture i saw my mind latched onto it and it gaved me negative "thoughts" even though i ddint know what they where, so i couldnt listen to the radio, or watch tv withought feeling awful. Then i switched to another psychiatrist. This one is a specialist(ish) in autism/aspergers but it still took him a while to realise i had aspergers. I was eventually put on other medications that helped me tremendously. The seroquel i had was eventually lowered to 600, then 575 mg. I was put on abilify not long after along with omega 3s. I started to feel much better once i increased the omega 3s to 3 capsules a day. Then, even better when i increased it to 4 a day. NOW, i'm at the good stuff(important part)
I felt better and better every single day for quite a while, However at some point something happened. The seroquel and abilify helped me by countering alot of the negative thoughts in my mind (especially abilify) towards my appearence and myself, and the omega 3's made a huge difference in my concentrating, thinking, feeling good, promoting the regeneration of brain cells etc.

Important--> About a year and a half ago i was starting to get obsessed(almost phobic) towards certain things that had happened and i kind of took them as something supernatural, long story short
this is what happened: My mind had almost completely stopped obsessing over myself (self concious mostly) and since it didnt have anything to obssess about, to focus on, it started to latch onto things alot like before. i got some kind of depersonalisation after that, so i saw my psychiiatrist the next day. He gave me epival wich eventually helped.

About a month later, i started to think of this supernatural thing again and my mind did something similar as last time and got into total chaos. I felt like my head was empty after that happened. The next day i went to see my psychiatrist and he perscribed me paxil. Paxil eventually worked for me but it took a while before it did its full effect.

So today i am on Seroquel,epival,Paxil, Abilify, synthroid, vitamine B1. and i take 4 mega 3 capsules a day. Just before my question i have one last thing to write. Ever since i started taking seroquel, abilify and omega 3's ONLY i always had moments, off and on where i felt really REALLY good.
They did not happen often, or last long but they were wonderful and if i could feel that way or somewhere near it id be very happy. With epival they still happened but a bit less, and with paxil they havent happened once. The moments were usally like, 2-3 minutes were i felt like myself, and i had no anxiety, perfect concentration, crystal clear thinking and i felt my thoughts connecting together.
Those moments happened about once a month if i was lucky. Also, when i was working at a restaurant back before i got sick i got one of those moments which only lasted 12 seconds. This is the ONLY time i got one before i got sick. Today, i havent had one of those moments for a year at least(as long as i started paxil almost) although i still feel slightly better every day. Thats got nothing to do with how i felt before tho. Oh and, the time at the restaurant before i got sick, it happened about an hour after i was listening to my favorite music, which is because it stimulates the brain alot sometimes.
Also i take omega 3's to regenerate brain cells AND for the brain stimulation they give, which pushes the negative part of your mind away and promotes the healthy postive, and neutral thoughts.

Today i am what you'd call stable. My pd has diagnosed me with asperger's syndrome with comorbid extreme anxiety. The anxiety is terrible really and ive tried evrything for it.
The problem is, theres still many things my doctor dosent understand when i speak to him.
The thing is, and this is the hardest part to understand, im myself but not 100%.
I mean today, i AM supremely self-confident, have NO reason to be anxious,am good looking, im very smart, i socialise better than most people dream of(and yes and asperger!), im a really awesome person all around and i dont give a damm what anyone thinks of me. Now how contridictory is all this with evrything ive been saying?? That is who i am and i love myself. The problem is i dont feel all those things often even tho i know that is who i AM. Even my motivation, which is my biggest problem right now, i am a super motivated person(i use to train at the gym six days a week before i got sick) and today i cant FEEL it anymore. The same with evrything else about me. Especially my personality. I know i am who i am, but yet i dont feel all these things as much or at ALL. i have 0 depression too and am very happy so thats not a factor. Before i felt my thoughts go into chaos, (before paxil) in those moments i was mentioning before, even if it lasted only 2 minutes i could feel all those things 100%. Also It seems my anxiety is linked with all this, The truth is, i have no anxiety disorder, its caused by whatever the heck is going on in my mind. Because when i try relaxation excersises , or when i tried occasional high dose ativan pills, they usally dont work. BUT when i feel more like myself, the anxiety follows suit by going away instantly. Right away it goes from 100% anxious to 0. The problem is, this dosent really happen anymore at all.

Now, i have put a tremendous amount of info and im hoping someone out there can give me some insight or even any kind of help. I guess thats it i wrote evrything down, ill be here online to answer any questions anybody has for me, ill be on in a few hours from now ( about 10 hours) if u can be of help i would Reallly apreciate it!
Alexskate
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Re: Super high functioning aspie with major anxiety problem.

Postby robotfun » Sat Jan 18, 2014 2:10 pm

"i always had moments, off and on where i felt really REALLY good"
"I mean today, i AM supremely self-confident, have NO reason to be anxious,am good looking, im very smart, i socialise better than most people dream of(and yes and asperger!), im a really awesome person all around and i dont give a damm what anyone thinks of me. Now how contridictory is all this with evrything ive been saying??"


from what you are describing it sounds a lot like someone with bipolar disorder.

but you are on synthroid...
Some thyroid problems are very similar to what bipolar is like.

I recommend talking to your doctor about this.
"My dear, you wouldn't care so much about what people think, if you realized how little they care."
Dx: DID, Bipolar II
Male bodied 31 year old
Alters: 44
Host (30), Brittany (25) , Tyson (22), others....
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Re: Super high functioning aspie with major anxiety problem.

Postby Alexskate » Sat Jan 18, 2014 10:26 pm

Thanks for the reply! Yea, i understand how what i said could be taken for bipolar disorder or a specific thyroid problem, however i dont feel down or depressed at all. I also dont have any shifts of mood that are out of the ordinary. When i wrote "i had moments where i felt really really good" i meant that at those moments my anxiety was gone, i could think much better, i could concentrate(especially when talking to someone i could actually THINK of things to say), i felt my confidence and motivation 100%, and i even felt "relaxed enough" in my thoughts to "feel" my personality. By feeling my personality i mean i felt like Myself completely, normally i dont find i can even BE myself, i mean i cant even think of anything to say most of the time to people. When i felt good i could actually THINK and talk nonstop withought any issues and have a good conversation with people.
I apreciate your help evryone, thanks!
Alexskate
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Re: Super high functioning aspie with major anxiety problem.

Postby robotfun » Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:28 am

Oh i see...
I have similar moments when I feel like I am in the zone. Social situations will just seem to click somehow. I figure it is because my mood is up so I just worry less and become more confident.
Maybe you are only in a good mood and you are not used to it?? :D
"My dear, you wouldn't care so much about what people think, if you realized how little they care."
Dx: DID, Bipolar II
Male bodied 31 year old
Alters: 44
Host (30), Brittany (25) , Tyson (22), others....
Rx: Lamictal 400mg , Quetiapine
User avatar
robotfun
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Posts: 134
Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:07 pm
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