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What made you the way you are?

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What made you the way you are?

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Oct 21, 2019 5:58 pm

The problem we have, we feel (it could be in our head) of properly fitting in on the DID forum is that we do have ASPD or sociopathic traits.

We saw the honesty post and to honestly meet someone, which we have never done, we'd have to say "Hi I am mentally f'd. I have several different people in my head and if you inadvertently upset one of the weaker ones then we will execute an exit strategy that invariably means you get f'd over in someway"

And that's why we feel we have trouble fitting in there and are actually getting somewhere with ourselves on this forum.

We realised that this is due to how our trauma happened. Parents we're abusive but our mothers brother clearly didn't know this when he assaulted us. So by that time we were already mentally f'd.

After he assaulted us he asked if we liked it. We said "no and I'm telling my mom" which at that moment a voice in my head said "sister no" because the mother was abusive and that could lead to some even more messed up sh!t but he clearly didn't know.

The uncle then said "I will kill you if you tell anyone" and already being mentally f'd we said "I'll be dead so I won't care" he repeated his threat adding that the mother wouldn't believe us and we repeated "I won't care and if my mom doesn't believe me I'm telling the police"

When fear crossed his eyes we not only knew that he didn't know our parents were abusing us but also we'd won. At the age of 4 or 5. And that's why we have this annoying pattern in our DID. Weak abused parts draw people in and then the more antisocial parts sometimes f them up to varying degrees. We do not feel or have seen that other DID people have such a messed up system or at least they don't mention it if they do.

It's a very draining pattern so we tried to avert it and mostly isolated ourselves. Because it's draining and because we, overall, don't like to hurt people. It's a drive because of that early experience of putting fear into a frightening adult.

Wondered what made you guys function the way you do? Pivotal moments or simply your personality? Genetics probably plays a role and for us having two abusive parents must of predisposed us to having this in our nature plus naturally a massive day dreamer making dissociation an easy coping mechanism. Do you think you're mostly genes or alot more environment or both? Is it random, you have "ok" parents and you're an oddity in your family?

What made you how you are?
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby saucygirl31 » Mon Oct 21, 2019 6:16 pm

in regards to antisocial traits? head scratcher for me cuz had a good childhood. i think something simple like a non clinically narcissistic father could have triggered something that was partly genetic.

i got worse as I got older and departed from home which is another head scratcher.

i am naturally smart and was a chill as ###$ baby apparently so maybe those two combined made me create a persona that acted like a steel tank.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby ShaolinMonk » Mon Oct 21, 2019 6:22 pm

You'll find one of the old PF Admins there.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Oct 22, 2019 1:06 am

saucygirl31 wrote:in regards to antisocial traits? head scratcher for me cuz had a good childhood. i think something simple like a non clinically narcissistic father could have triggered something that was partly genetic.

i got worse as I got older and departed from home which is another head scratcher.

i am naturally smart and was a chill as ###$ baby apparently so maybe those two combined made me create a persona that acted like a steel tank.


Someone did tell me once that chilled out babies tend to be more difficult as they grow lol

Alot of abuse is covert so it could be with a narcissistic traits father you experienced more covert abuse - it's possible. That went over your head but you started to act out as you left home because you could.

I acted out under the table all the time, I'd get other kids to do bad stuff, because I was so restricted etc by teenage years I was basically living too lives and only when they noticed amnesia from one group to the next in group psychotherapy ten years ago I thought "I have to sort this out" but not with a therapist because clearly I'm really f'd and I'm not having someone playing with my brain when little to nothing is known about DID. So I went the "hard" road although sometimes I think it's probably easier and built internal communication and then recently flooded my brain with trauma memory - and now I'm more f'd but at least I know why.

So it could be you had covert abuse. But it could be you didn't and like you say it's genetic predisposition.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby Reaper » Tue Oct 22, 2019 1:45 am

My father stuck his dick in my mother's pussy and wham bam thank you ma'am, here I am.

I think genetics made me the way I am for the most part because I don't recall a point in my life where I was ever any different from how I am. Of course, there were the natural changes that we all experience while maturing, but the lack of emotion and empathy (I don't completely lack it) and the primary aspects of my personality have never changed. Hell, even my desire to kill stems as far back into early childhood as I can remember.

I really don't recall ever being any different.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby Aeva117 » Tue Oct 22, 2019 1:54 am

I think I would have had issues with depression no matter what, as it runs in my family. I've had a fascination with blood and death and things other people consider disgusting or uncomfortable for as long as I can remember, so I think that's my base personality too. The attachment issues are 100% trauma - the death of my mother when I was a toddler, moving countries at a young age, physical and verbal abuse for 15+ years.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) all grown up
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby Greebo » Tue Oct 22, 2019 2:43 am

I think you guys often look at this the wrong way.

All personalities are basically a split between genetic and developmental factors irrespective of whether they are disordered or what that disorder might be.

PDs aren’t trauma disorders and there aren’t going to be pivotal moments in their pathogenisis. In fact the perception that there is one trigger/cause/moment may well be more the result of a PD than it’s cause.

PDs are formed by a long process of pathogenic learning, the groundwork for which is laid during the first 18 months to 2 years of life by the primitive interactions between an infant and its primary care givers.

Later development may involve trauma and abuse but it often doesn’t. Pathogenic learning is akin to water gradually cutting grooves in stone rather than hitting that same stone with a sledge hammer which is more like those disorders built on trauma proper.

Pathogenic learning is usually broken down into three types. The first the formation of adaptive defences which become rigid and maladaptive in later life. But the second and third are the learning of maladaptive behaviours from primary care givers and the simple failure to learn adaptive behaviours, both of which are more common than the first.

My point really is that I don’t think, in most cases, the causation of a personality disorder is easy, or even possible, to pin point.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby justonemoreperson » Tue Oct 22, 2019 7:42 am

Greebo wrote:My point really is that I don’t think, in most cases, the causation of a personality disorder is easy, or even possible, to pin point.


^This. I've spent years trying to work out the reason for why I am the way I am. There are some factors that point towards it but none that others haven't had that didn't lead to the same outcome.

I still keep looking though, and for the first time I'm wondering why. Even if I found out it wouldn't make any difference and I doubt it would lead to some epiphany that would fix all the things that f*ck me up.
I'm not arguing; I'm explaining why I'm right.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby saucygirl31 » Tue Oct 22, 2019 11:33 am

ya makes sense for me that possible PD if I even have one coulda been from development instead of abuse. like I said, my intelligence (hehe) and baby chill allowed me to create what I thought was a steel tank but prob has many many flaws.
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Re: What made you the way you are?

Postby ZeroZ » Tue Oct 22, 2019 11:47 am

Reaper wrote:My father stuck his dick in my mother's pussy and wham bam thank you ma'am, here I am.


A shinning example of grace an eloquence. :wink: :wink:
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