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BPD Uncertainty

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BPD Uncertainty

Postby locutus24 » Tue Mar 05, 2019 3:19 am

I returned after a long absence to this site. I have no official mental diagnoses, but the last therapist I saw for 1 1/2 years considered borderline personality disorder. I'm not totally convinced though. I have many of the symptoms like mood instability and intimacy/trust issues, but some other aspects of my life hint at anti-social personality disorder. I've found reports from medicine journals that patients can be diagnosed with both disorders.

Reason I suspect ASPD is I have a criminal record for one. Two assault IV charges as an adult and 3 instances of restraining orders. As a teenager I was expelled from one high school for threatening to kill several students and had police called on me as well for misconduct. One time in class I grabbed a school chair and was about to hit a female student with it, but a teacher intervened. As an adult I went to a Meetup for people with BPD and they all seemed somewhat different. None had violent thoughts and valued relationships with their partners or friends/family, but always felt empty and not getting enough attention. E.g. upset cause a partner didn't text back immediately. I sort of related to them, but not totally. For one I don't have any attachments with anyone. I hardly ever speak with my mom; the only person who I have contact with in my family. In fact, I don't really care about anyone else in all honesty. Every day I think about my own desires/needs at the expense of people. I know it's immoral, but it's my daily routine.

Besides those instances of law breaking I've abided by the rules and have been mostly isolated and stay away from groups of people. The isolation stings though and makes me go insane on some nights, but going out and being around people won't fix the issues as it leads to me becoming aggressive/hostile with people over little things. Once in a while a friendship may start, but I eventually get tired of the person (usually a male) and delete their number. A doctor gave me opioids for the isolation/ostracizing social pain and it kind of helps. Even now I'm a little high on these things which are keeping me fairly calm and collected in thought.

For treatment I tried dialectical behavioral therapy with that one therapist. It didn't change any of my thought processes and only changed the ways that I respond to stimuli that cause me anger. I.e. learn to restrain myself and keep my mouth shut so I don't get in trouble with legal authorities or anyone else. He kept using the catchphrase "we'll challenge those negative thoughts," yet none were changed. I think DBT may work for some people, as well as CBT in general, but doesn't seem to affect me much. On the surface it seemed I changed, but not what was inside. The violent thoughts are related to misogyny and a desire to inflict harm on women. Reasons are not completely known other than I had a rough childhood with bad female caretakers, but I don't suspect this is the only reason. I actually have a strong grudge against that guy as I feel I wasted a lot of money due to my stupidity. Others are of course rejection and denial of sex. I'm sure you all hear about these things from manosphere blogs and incel forums. I'm nothing special in that regard.

On women! I often have fantasies of hurting or murdering women. The fantasies have exponentially increased over the past couple years. Some nights before I sleep I will be talking in the shower to myself spouting out my desires of doing a killing frenzy on "these stupid @@@@@@@". Some could say I would be an Elliot Rodger copycat. Partially true, but thing is I've had a little sex in my life, but only with two women. And right now I'm in control and haven't snapped, but am on the thin boundary. I've had terrible luck at dating and hooking up otherwise. Dozens and dozens of rejections throughout college. And when I did get sex I was less rageful of women and didn't have these fantasies. That was 4 years ago.

I'm also a bodybuilder and recently started using steroids to cheat and get muscle mass as a means of intimidating other men and using muscles on Tinder or at clubs to get women. Superficial attraction. Not all women like muscles, but many do and taking advantage of that. I'm about 6'1 and it's hard to build a decent musculature when you are on the taller side so why I started using steroids. I have fantasies of being bigger and more stronger than men and would enjoy seeing them move out of my way and being submissive like looking down as I approach them. I know this is a bad way of living life, but it's what I desire. I don't respect anyone really. I guess this would fall under risk-taking/thrill behaviors. But I know BPD and ASPD sufferers do these things. It could be from either one or both. Idk in all honesty.

So does it sound like I also have ASPD or many of its traits? Anything I can do to improve or is it a lost cause? I do have emotions and get insecure and hurt, but I also have a powerful violent/narcissistic side to me.
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Mar 08, 2019 1:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to AsPD because of content, no edits other than a move
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby Squaredonutwheels » Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:16 am

Mind you, posting on here is an interesting choice.

Emotional words like:
Insecure, hurt, isolation, upset, ostracization, empty, not enough attention

I sense a lot of emotion. Painful ones. I am sorry.


And to defend against and deny the above emotions:

Power, aggression, violence, hostile muscles, steroids narcissistic, AsPD,


First of all AsPD =/= hyper-masculine fragility. I'm sure coming from out there the 'stuffs' tells you otherwise but it's not. AsPD comes in all shapes and sizes!


I'd suggest looking for ways to accept and explore your painful emotions rather than ways to crush them or project them out like a spiteful punch.

Hope that helps.
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby locutus24 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:21 pm

Squaredonutwheels wrote:Mind you, posting on here is an interesting choice.

Emotional words like:
Insecure, hurt, isolation, upset, ostracization, empty, not enough attention

I sense a lot of emotion. Painful ones. I am sorry.


And to defend against and deny the above emotions:

Power, aggression, violence, hostile muscles, steroids narcissistic, AsPD,


First of all AsPD =/= hyper-masculine fragility. I'm sure coming from out there the 'stuffs' tells you otherwise but it's not. AsPD comes in all shapes and sizes!


I'd suggest looking for ways to accept and explore your painful emotions rather than ways to crush them or project them out like a spiteful punch.

Hope that helps.


Actually, I originally posted on the BPD section, but the moderator moved my question to the ASPD section after approving it. Well, here I am!

I don't think "sorry" should apply to me even if I don't satisfy being on ASPD. I'm not innocent or anything so don't deserve "too much" empathy imo. Some women I've psychologically abused and didn't get punished. Have only tiny bits of remorse here and there, but not much.

I "feel sorry" for my discontent and not getting what I want and also just pissed and have sadistic desires towards the people who got something I don't have. Superficial envy of them. Hence, desire to inflict violence on them as revenge. E.g. seeing nerdy/unfit guys on campus hanging with attractive non-nerdy women.

I know it's pretty pathetic, but I experience it daily so I have to own up to it.

I've accepted them man. I don't think I ever said I ignored them. Every day I have them pop up and I just sit there sometimes without moving and let them flow in so I can feel the anger and hatred, it energizes me and once in a while it retards me. I've used hatred to have a good workout with the iron.

I don't know what else to explore, but will give that some thought!

Thanks!
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby Manners73 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 5:09 pm

I'm also diagnosed with BPD and I do t get it either but then again I haven't researched it at all.

There's nothing to say you can't have a criminal record and have BPD. Criminality isn't exclusive only to aspd I'm proof of that.
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby locutus24 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 6:00 pm

Manners73 wrote:I'm also diagnosed with BPD and I do t get it either but then again I haven't researched it at all.

There's nothing to say you can't have a criminal record and have BPD. Criminality isn't exclusive only to aspd I'm proof of that.


If you are cool with answering, what was your crime(s)?
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby Manners73 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 6:10 pm

Mainly robbery and assault...

I actually can't remember getting diagnosed with BPD as it goes but apparently I was.
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby locutus24 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 6:38 pm

Manners73 wrote:Mainly robbery and assault...

I actually can't remember getting diagnosed with BPD as it goes but apparently I was.


Maybe as a kid or teenager? You old now?

I stole cash and food when I was a teenager, but haven't as adult.
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby Manners73 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 6:42 pm

locutus24 wrote:
Manners73 wrote:Mainly robbery and assault...

I actually can't remember getting diagnosed with BPD as it goes but apparently I was.


Maybe as a kid or teenager? You old now?

I stole cash and food when I was a teenager, but haven't as adult.


Mainly as a teenager but there was a couple of charges in my early 20s.

Yes I'm old now.

What makes you do crime in he first place?
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby locutus24 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 8:35 pm

Manners73 wrote:
locutus24 wrote:
Manners73 wrote:Mainly robbery and assault...

I actually can't remember getting diagnosed with BPD as it goes but apparently I was.


Maybe as a kid or teenager? You old now?

I stole cash and food when I was a teenager, but haven't as adult.


Mainly as a teenager but there was a couple of charges in my early 20s.

Yes I'm old now.

What makes you do crime in he first place?


I assaulted a couple people after they aggravated me for a couple different reasons. One was an ex and the other a guy. Got angry and wasn't considering consequences of inflicting harm/injury on them. Regretted it NOT because I hurt them, but because I got arrested. I still have little to no remorse for either crime.
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Re: BPD Uncertainty

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Sat Mar 09, 2019 11:19 pm

I'm nothing more than a voyeur on this forum, but your post looks more ASPD than 99% of the other people who come on here asking if they are.

BPD can have ASPD features and vice versa but I don't think you sound that BPD
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