Our partner

Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Antisocial Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: seabreezeblue

Forum rules
Attention Please. You are entering the ASPD forum. Please read this carefully.

Given the unique propensities of those who are faced with the issues of ASPD, topics at times may be uncomfortable for non ASPD readers. Discussions related to violent urges are permitted here, within the context of deeper understanding of the commonalties shared by members. Indulging these urges is not what regular users here are attempting to do.

Conversations here can be triggering for those who have suffered abuse or violent encounters. Respectful questioning is welcome from non ASPD members.

For those who have no respect for either this illness or for those who are living with it, please do not enter this forum. Discrimination of Personality Disorders is not tolerated on this site.

Moderators are present here to ensure that members treat each other with dignity and respect. If topics become overly graphic or drift from having a healthy perspective, moderators will intervene.
Please feel free to contact a moderator if you have any questions or concerns.

Best Regards,
The Team

Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Postby MaleHuman » Wed Feb 20, 2019 5:11 pm

(This is a little bit long)
I think I might be ASPD but it seems I can feel empathy in one case and I’ve felt it a few times in my life.
I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 15 but never took meds. Now I'm 18. Recently I took a test called dark triad and scored high on all three, I wondered what exactly does this mean. After some reading, I denied the possibility of being a narcissist because I don't really care about how others think about me and I always know there are many people doing better than me, although I'm sure I do have narcissistic tendencies. I also noticed that I never felt bad about hurting others and have no respect for lives. So I wondered If I'm ASPD.
The following are some of my "aspects" which I can remember and know that my peers were not like this.
While still a little child and couldn't walk, I enjoyed snatching and breaking others' glasses whenever I had a chance, usually those people with myopia looked confused and anxious without glasses, which I felt amusing and interesting. I forced others to look at me when talking to me, and I liked looking at everyone in the eye, it’s like looking into a void which is actually not, and actually full of hidden, changing, moving secrets. My mother said this makes her uncomfortable.
I noticed that I was different from my peers when I was very young, I feel everyone is far away even though they are sitting right in front of me, and we are having a talk, between us there is an imaginary void, a void of immense size, cold, black and empty. I was also hypersensitive, easily disturbed by little noise and unevenness of the floor. I feel physical pain and itch at an intense level but I can shut the feeling off and prevent it from impacting what I'm doing. Once while watching Star Wars I told my father that Emperor Palptine and Master Yoda are generally the same, Palptine seems selfish and Yoda seems unselfish, but they are both just working towards their own ideals. There is no good or evil, only the state of being useful/beneficial to someone and being harmful at each end and being useless but not harmful/neutral in between. My father criticized me for confusing good and bad, from this time on I knew that he is no better and no smarter than me, and his guidance may not be useful, or perhaps he was just lying to me to stick to the "moral rules" and make himself appear righteous and trustworthy.(I think moral rules are usually lies weaved by amoral people like most entrepreneurs for his/her own profit. Cooperations depending on moral rules are fragile and rarely last long.)
In my childhood I enjoyed killing ants, pumping water into the nest's exits and killing the ants that made it out by cutting them in half. Later I chased and shot stray dogs and birds with toy guns. Watching the dogs run away terrified upon seeing me felt good. I enjoyed watching my grandfather kill chickens for dinner and felt good when he cut the chickens' throat. I can feel its life slowly drains away as it loses blood, until it makes one last twitch then turns motionless. It is really amusing. I once asked for the chance to kill one myself and my mother turned surprisingly astonished, criticized me for not respecting lives. (Years later I pointed out she didn't respect lives either because she disassembled computers with no respect. She said computers are not lives because they can’t reproduce and are not biological. I explained how computers are lives just with a different construct, cannot reproduce, is not biological. They may not be complete but still are lives. She just couldn't get to understand this, which I found quite interesting) Later I often fought my classmates and enjoyed tricking one against another, sometimes I made surprise attacks against those who defeated me in the last fight, kicking him from behind as hard as I could, and I had to watch my back while in school. I remember beating one of my classmates in head with a chair when I was 10, sending him to hospital, and my parents punished me severely, for which I hated them for a while. When I was 8, a cousin came to visit my family. I bullied her and often beat her, then lied to my parents that we had fights because she stole or snatched my candy or toys, I once accidently broke a Lego ship which I spent a few days constructing and I said she did it so I could vent my anger on her. Back then I thought I never bullied anyone, not realizing this was some kind of bullying until I was 17. In 13 I got bullied for being a little short, spent almost a year practicing martial arts, then beat the bullies up one by one. I convinced most of my class that I'm a poor victim and the bullies are evil (not just because of my efforts but also because those boys stole from others) trying to totally isolate them and bully them back, but they resorted to threatening me with knives. Knowing death by their hands much too worthless, I gave up, and as a consequence of my prior actions I had to carry a dagger to school every day for self-defense, I felt anger and frustration.(Some of these boys might be ASPD but unlikely because they get upset when questioned about their actions and how their parents would feel, they seem to get sad for hurting their parents' feelings. And considering their low intelligence displayed. The show of remorse is too real to be fake. Maybe they have antisocial tendencies combined with low self-esteem but that's not the topic here.) When I was 15 the most beautiful girl in my class said she loved me because of some good qualities I have and my "personality"(which is amusing because it is mostly not my personality, but what I think would make me better accepted among my classmates). Unlike other few cases in which I rejected the females because they are all useless and felt good for making them feel bad, I accepted her because of my narcissistic tendencies, and also because back then I thought that some male classmates would be more likely to help me if I have her ask them to do me a favor instead of asking them myself, so she would be more useful than harmful. (My mother was very excited hearing this because she thought I’m unable to love anyone but having a girlfriend "proved that I could love". So easily deceived, she didn’t even doubt in the slightest. I find this amusing yet strange.) I underestimated the cost of maintaining such a foolish relationship. Later I found it not cost-efficient as I had to give up my after class reading time to talk with her about foolish things. And I had to pretend to love her which is challenging and funny because I don't even know what love is. I never loved anyone, and I don't think love exists outside of lies people tell others and themselves. At least there is no such thing called love in my brain, and of course I don't need one. For me there is only one thing close to the definition of what I believe people think love is, that is my devotion to fatherland, but this is developed later.
I noticed that my ex seemed truly felt something for me, maybe she believed the self-delusion of love, or maybe there does exist something called love just I can't feel it. Before I only noticed that I was different from my peers, but then I felt that I lack something other people have, be it feelings or self-delusions or something else.
Later I decided that I will not stay empty like this forever, there should be something that I care about, something that I could do for a greater purpose instead of just being foolishly selfish and leaving nothing behind after death. I became a patriot or nationalist. There are differences between these two words, what I mean is I became someone who truly cares for his fatherland (I believe this is close to what people call love) and willing to sacrifice anything for it. Around this time I established my moral codes. I will never betray my fatherland whatever happens, and I'll try to do as much I can for it. It felt like a rebirth into someone capable of care. Also I became able to feel empathy(I think it is empathy) and I did feel it a few times though only in one case. When watching movies about the WWII, watching soldiers of fatherland charge into battle, against the enemy lines, throwing themselves into fire for fatherland. Those who died for the fatherland died a meaningful death, they made a difference of victory or defeat, though they can’t live to see it. I feel that I'm moved by their brave deeds and want to kill the enemies too. For this reason I think I'm not a "compensated psychopath", because it seems I do have empathy(or maybe it is not empathy?), just it's by default turned off, or just because of my ADHD I'm too distracted and can't concentrate on feeling empathy. This makes me wonder what I'm truly like.
About the diagnostic factors of ASPD, almost all my teachers said that I liked breaking rules and I was always seeking "shortcuts", but I never violated the laws. I lie every day, but usually only in 5~20% of my statements, I lie to save the energy of having to explain things in full detail to others if I tell the truth, to take advantage of others so I can get closer to doing the greater good, or just to mislead and withhold information for self-defense in case others may turn on me. I do have high impulsivity but I've learned to suppress it and get it out of my way. About irritability and aggressiveness, I managed to have them out of my way too. In most cases I value safety, because I know what is a meaningful death and what is not, I just can take risks and face death more easily. For me death is an end to the enteral suffering I'm going through every minute, but also an end to the chance of doing something great for the world and leaving something behind. I consider suicide and dying unnecessarily foolish. About irresponsibility, I always take full responsibility for everything I do to fatherland and to the organization I belong to. I don't have substance abuse problems, I don't even drink alcohol and I don't smoke. I don't feel remorse for others but I can definitely feel regret. I feel regret when I make grave mistakes resulting heavy losses. I try my best to learn from mistakes and failures. I don't mind losing a game or a match because there is always something I can learn from failures and by learning it, I win in the long term. Boredom is something I'm familiar with, but I think this might be a symptom of my ADHD, and I don't very easily get bored if what I'm doing may eventually lead to success. Even if I'm bored, I can usually convince myself to keep doing things at hand.
I noticed that my emotions are fading away. I used to feel anger like boiling water but now anger feels like frozen ice. In my childhood anger could last for some time and happiness could last for about 15 seconds I guess, but now no emotion ever lasts for more than a few seconds. In most cases, no more than a second, or disappears before I even notice it. I never truly experienced fear, seems it quickly turns into anger before I could realize, but I concentrate and be cautious. I feel a rush of adrenaline when facing dangerous situations, when surprised by abrupt noise, or when I want to kill something of a bigger size or has the potential of harming me.(I don't feel this when killing ants, but I feel this when killing bees.) And I sweat harder. I also feel this when I'm close to failing something. I used to get angry and feel this when someone insults me but now I no longer feel it. I used to feel frustration and disgust and some other feelings/emotions but now I can only notice feeling anger, resentment and rarely, happiness and disgust(seems more like resentment). Emotions other than anger rarely negatively affected me and I've learnt not to care about my emotions. Emotions are not important to me, but I don't know what this loss of emotions mean and what is going to happen later, and I'm concerned if this may lead to something negative and how to prevent it.
I always feel uncomfortable, sometimes empty, like there are broken lines and voids in my mind, and I find other people strange. I doubt what others’ motives and purposes are. I find it strange and laughable especially when seeing couples do weird, bizarre and meaningless things like hugging and kissing. This also reminds of the past when I had to do these meaningless things and pretend to enjoy them. It is really laughable. In childhood I thought others might be just like me inside, but they are enthusiastic actors/actresses who enjoy acting and repeating lies again and again, and in the end pass the lies to the next generation. But now I think they are not just actors/actresses. They are convinced of the lies. Or perhaps the lies are the truth, just I’m blind to them, just like I can’t feel love. I've also met a few narcissists and suspected psychopaths, I find them interesting and I can understand them better. I know their motives if I find out their plans without making mistakes. Interestingly, I find that it seems many people enjoy or want sex. I think any act of sex other than for reproduction is pointless, useless and energy consuming. And I don’t need an offspring. To my disappointment I found that I too have a sex drive. When I was younger I masturbated a few times to wear off the excessive sex drive in order to prevent having an affair with my female classmates who perused me or to avoid unwanted, foolish thoughts about my ex when she said inappropriate things. It was disgusting and masturbating is foolish and disgusting as well. It is pointless and reminds me of my foolish unwanted sex drive. It feels like I'm bullied, manipulated by my sex drive that I had to resort to inappropriate means. And it meant I didn't have full control over myself. I felt weak. Losing control makes me angry and frustrated. Fortunately now I have finally managed to fully link sex and any thought of it with disgust and danger(like getting infected with viruses) and successfully eliminated or at least fully suppressed my sex drive. This is a great achievement and it made me happy. I heard that many psychopaths and sociopaths are bisexual but I’m probably not. I dislike sex and want to get rid of it. Homosexuality does not produce offsprings and is even less useful than heterosexuality. I also heard some people use sex as a means of manipulation, but I consider it mostly inefficient because of the potential cost and danger.
I'm also a little sadistic. I stopped fighting classmates long ago. But I still hurt my parents emotionally and occasionally physically for fun but in a covert way like pretending it is a joke. I also beat my parent's dog a few times when they were away and the dog gets disobedient and runs around. I have an urge to torture and kill it, but never carried it out. I also find it feels good to watch gore videos but it is useless and does nothing practical other than making me excited, plus it seems addictive. Perhaps the role of violence to me is just like the role of sex to most other people, as some of my classmates were often seen watching pornographies which I find disgusting. Sadism is annoying and I'd like to be rid of it, it is totally counterproductive. I'm trying the method I used to eliminate or suppress my sex drive, but haven't succeeded yet. Besides, this method may have negative side effects like being overwhelmed with disgust and unable to kill when necessary (like defending myself or fatherland).
PS: I don't really care whether I'm labeled ASPD or not because it's just a label, but I think identifying whether I'm ASPD or not will help me uncover the reasons behind my differences from my peers, and have a clearer view of myself, and by knowing myself better I might find a more effective way to get rid of my annoying sadism. Also, even with my devotion to fatherland, I still sometimes feel empty, and I'd like to know why. I didn’t go to a psychiatrist because he/she may contact my parents and tell them about my conditions, or even make a secret record of my words and later threaten me with it.(I'm I a little too paranoid?) I’d like to stay anonymous and Internet makes it much harder to find out who I am in real life. If my classmates, teachers and relatives find this out it will make my life much harder.
I heard that ASPD people are more likely to commit crimes. I don't know whether I'm ASPD or not, and I don't want to be a criminal. I wish I can be someone good for fatherland and for the world. Even though I have no feelings for my family our relationship wasn't bad. This is the living proof that I’m capable of "goodness". I believe that people are not who they are born, but who they choose to be. If I am ASPD, am I a sociopath or a psychopath or both?(Some people say one cannot be both a psycho and a socio, and socios are not born but made. But I think it is possible. A mild psycho can develop sociopathic tendencies and get more antisocial. I'm mentioning this because I notice that my emotions are fading away.) If not, what most likely am I? And are there any suggestions on how to be a "good person" without empathy?
I'm not a native English speaker and there might be some mistakes. Sorry about the (possible) mistakes and I'd be grateful if someone points them out :)
MaleHuman
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2019 3:13 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Postby Manners73 » Tue Feb 26, 2019 6:14 pm

I can't read all that because I have neither the time or the inclination or the attention span for that matter.

I think everyone is a little bit narcissist aren't they?

That's only as far as I got with all you wrote.
User avatar
Manners73
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 483
Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:46 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Postby Brandon1 » Wed Feb 27, 2019 3:20 am

MaleHuman wrote:While still a little child and couldn't walk, I enjoyed snatching and breaking others' glasses whenever I had a chance, usually those people with myopia looked confused and anxious without glasses, which I felt amusing and interesting. I forced others to look at me when talking to me, and I liked looking at everyone in the eye, it’s like looking into a void which is actually not, and actually full of hidden, changing, moving secrets.

That's deep for a child that's so little it can't walk.
User avatar
Brandon1
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2018 1:35 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 3:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Postby Jonna » Wed Feb 27, 2019 4:12 am

Once while watching Star Wars I told my father that Emperor Palptine and Master Yoda are generally the same, Palptine seems selfish and Yoda seems unselfish, but they are both just working towards their own ideals.


Christopher Hitchens said the same thing about Mother Teresa...that she was really selfish.

In my childhood I enjoyed killing ants, pumping water into the nest's exits and killing the ants that made it out by cutting them in half. Later I chased and shot stray dogs and birds with toy guns. Watching the dogs run away terrified upon seeing me felt good.


ASPD would be more goal-oriented imo...shooting a stray dog just to test out the gun.

I convinced most of my class that I'm a poor victim and the bullies are evil (not just because of my efforts but also because those boys stole from others) trying to totally isolate them and bully them back, but they resorted to threatening me with knives. Knowing death by their hands much too worthless, I gave up, and as a consequence of my prior actions I had to carry a dagger to school every day for self-defense, I felt anger and frustration.


I never violated the laws. I lie every day, but usually only in 5~20% of my statements, I lie to save the energy of having to explain things in full detail to others if I tell the truth, to take advantage of others so I can get closer to doing the greater good, or just to mislead and withhold information for self-defense in case others may turn on me.


In most cases I value safety, because I know what is a meaningful death and what is not, I just can take risks and face death more easily. For me death is an end to the enteral suffering I'm going through every minute, but also an end to the chance of doing something great for the world and leaving something behind.


I'm seeing self-defense and safety cited as your motive way too much. This leads me away from any consideration that you are ASPD as your self-exposition is not consistent with low arousal. Anybody who feels threatened would probably respond the way you are responding; just I don't think most people would feel threatened by those situations, especially not somebody with ASPD (where fearlessness/low arousal is a given). For somebody with ASPD, being "threatened" by bullies with knives would not register as a threat sufficient to warrant carrying a dagger. You've cited your motivation for carrying the dagger and lying as that of self-defense. Conning for people with ASPD is not motivated by defense against a perceived threat imo....that would be the paranoid personality. Conning is more of an instinctive drive. Plus, your lying is minimal. At 5-20 percent you're probably lying no more than the average person lies per day. The fact you have never violated the laws drives home the point. It's possible for somebody with ASPD to have never violated the law but not probable...it's also possible that a plane will crash into my house in the next half hour but not probable.

I'll also throw this in there for good measure:

To my disappointment I found that I too have a sex drive. When I was younger I masturbated a few times to wear off the excessive sex drive in order to prevent having an affair with my female classmates who perused me or to avoid unwanted, foolish thoughts about my ex when she said inappropriate things. It was disgusting and masturbating is foolish and disgusting as well. It is pointless and reminds me of my foolish unwanted sex drive. It feels like I'm bullied, manipulated by my sex drive that I had to resort to inappropriate means. And it meant I didn't have full control over myself. I felt weak. Losing control makes me angry and frustrated.


Borderline, Narcissism, and ASPD are all pretty comfortable with sexuality. I don't know what your diagnosis is but I don't think it's either of those three. If it anything, it sounds like some unique combination of schizoid and ADHD possibly with an overlay of compensatory sadism.
Jonna
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 165
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:45 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 12:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Just ADHD or also ASPD?

Postby MaleHuman » Wed Feb 27, 2019 4:05 pm

Jonna wrote:
Once while watching Star Wars I told my father that Emperor Palptine and Master Yoda are generally the same, Palptine seems selfish and Yoda seems unselfish, but they are both just working towards their own ideals.


Christopher Hitchens said the same thing about Mother Teresa...that she was really selfish.

In my childhood I enjoyed killing ants, pumping water into the nest's exits and killing the ants that made it out by cutting them in half. Later I chased and shot stray dogs and birds with toy guns. Watching the dogs run away terrified upon seeing me felt good.


ASPD would be more goal-oriented imo...shooting a stray dog just to test out the gun.

I convinced most of my class that I'm a poor victim and the bullies are evil (not just because of my efforts but also because those boys stole from others) trying to totally isolate them and bully them back, but they resorted to threatening me with knives. Knowing death by their hands much too worthless, I gave up, and as a consequence of my prior actions I had to carry a dagger to school every day for self-defense, I felt anger and frustration.


I never violated the laws. I lie every day, but usually only in 5~20% of my statements, I lie to save the energy of having to explain things in full detail to others if I tell the truth, to take advantage of others so I can get closer to doing the greater good, or just to mislead and withhold information for self-defense in case others may turn on me.


In most cases I value safety, because I know what is a meaningful death and what is not, I just can take risks and face death more easily. For me death is an end to the enteral suffering I'm going through every minute, but also an end to the chance of doing something great for the world and leaving something behind.


I'm seeing self-defense and safety cited as your motive way too much. This leads me away from any consideration that you are ASPD as your self-exposition is not consistent with low arousal. Anybody who feels threatened would probably respond the way you are responding; just I don't think most people would feel threatened by those situations, especially not somebody with ASPD (where fearlessness/low arousal is a given). For somebody with ASPD, being "threatened" by bullies with knives would not register as a threat sufficient to warrant carrying a dagger. You've cited your motivation for carrying the dagger and lying as that of self-defense. Conning for people with ASPD is not motivated by defense against a perceived threat imo....that would be the paranoid personality. Conning is more of an instinctive drive. Plus, your lying is minimal. At 5-20 percent you're probably lying no more than the average person lies per day. The fact you have never violated the laws drives home the point. It's possible for somebody with ASPD to have never violated the law but not probable...it's also possible that a plane will crash into my house in the next half hour but not probable.

I'll also throw this in there for good measure:

To my disappointment I found that I too have a sex drive. When I was younger I masturbated a few times to wear off the excessive sex drive in order to prevent having an affair with my female classmates who perused me or to avoid unwanted, foolish thoughts about my ex when she said inappropriate things. It was disgusting and masturbating is foolish and disgusting as well. It is pointless and reminds me of my foolish unwanted sex drive. It feels like I'm bullied, manipulated by my sex drive that I had to resort to inappropriate means. And it meant I didn't have full control over myself. I felt weak. Losing control makes me angry and frustrated.


Borderline, Narcissism, and ASPD are all pretty comfortable with sexuality. I don't know what your diagnosis is but I don't think it's either of those three. If it anything, it sounds like some unique combination of schizoid and ADHD possibly with an overlay of compensatory sadism.


Thanks for the reply and the hint of possible schizoid. So far I'm only diagnosed ADHD.

Seems I do have schizoid features. But I wonder if schizoids are usually manipulative and good at lying. I have no need for close relationships if they can't benefit me in some way, as possible exposure of myself and what I do to people can bring me unnecessary risks. But I'm very good at socializing and have many friends, with the exception of the period of time when I was bullied. I also have a few close friends. I'm a good "actor" and I know what others want to hear and what they want me to do.

The following are some things about me not mentioned in the post above.
I've been leaders in almost all cooperations and organizations/groups that I decided to join or found, and I'm a good organizer/talker. Everyone around says I'm extroverted.(I don't know if schizoid people can be extroverted.) I often test how far I can push others and how easily I can convince them to do things for me, then analyze their responses for use later. To important people I do this at a much slower pace as the cost of offending them is higher. I have paranoid features too. I weigh the impact of each person's possible betrayal and hostility, also the impact if I decide to betray them, I think about what and how much true/false information to give before I start a conversation, so I can maximize my profit and minimize possible dangers.(telling the truth is usually more cost-efficient than lying, especially by choosing the way I speak, by bending the truth and adding suggestive comments. If I lie, there is always a chance of getting caught. But even if I get caught bending the truth slightly, it doesn't usually bring much harm.) I feel no fear but when doing bigger things (like turning some of my classmates against potential rivals) I always review my plans a few times (including backup ones) and weigh the pros/cons before I get into action. Tests show that I have high cognitive empathy and low affective empathy. In childhood I used to lie a lot, and got severely punished whenever I got caught. My mother told me that I was manipulative and cruel. And if when I'm reading or doing things that require concentration someone nearby cries or complies, making huge noise, I'd like to shoot him/her between the eyes or slit his/her throat to make him/her quiet down. I don't know if this is common with schizoids, so I doubt whether I'm schizoid or not.

I think that I'm too careful and too paranoid to be ASPD. But I don't seem schizoid either. Now I have good impulse control. The last time I lost control was when questioning my mother. I went too fast and she got angry, refused to answer, which triggered my paranoia and anger. I started beating her, and a few seconds later I realized I was making a mistake. She could kick me out of her house or stop paying my educational fees. I pretended to be having hallucinations and after beating her for a less than a minute I lay down the floor pretending to be unconscious. Later I lied that I had hallucinations and I was unconscious when beating her. I didn't feel sorry but I faked remorse well. She believed me anyways. Of course I shouldn't have beaten her, it didn't bring me anything except risks, meaningless, and I won't do that again. Another difference from ASPD is I thirst only for control and power, sometimes also violence and the pain of others when my sadism is awakened, but not other kinds of satisfaction. I also feel emptiness and want to do something great that can last long after my life to fill it(the source of my patriotism. My patriotism and willingness to serve my fatherland and the world is very true. Since there is nothing else that could have much an influence and legacy after death.). I have a feeling of insecurity(paranoia), which might be the source of my need for power. I'm good at delayed gratification(I enjoy working towards the grand picture.) and I can easily give up my current opportunity of power/control in exchange for things(like using the time on learning) that can bring me more of them. The thirst for power/control is also why I want my sex drive eliminated: it brings me little benefit(power/control over a few weak minded females(I mean no offense towards female people, I'm just talking about a few individuals) for a very limited time. What's the purpose of that?) and has a chance of causing me to lose control over myself, very cost-inefficient.
I was much more sadistic when I was young, and I enjoyed inflicting pain and death. I killed ants just to satisfy my sadism, but now I intellectually dislike my primal desires(except ones like hunger that serve a purpose). I've been trying to suppress my sadism.(as stated above, it may cause me trouble with the laws) Now I want to do things constructive and productive for my fatherland and the world. I'm much more concentrated in gaining power(then I can do things for fatherland and the world), and I value efficiency. After all, the joy of killing and torturing only lasts for a moment, but the influence and products of power can last long after my life. Life is just meaningless, and power is a hope for something more meaningful. I'm very lucky that I didn't "corrupt down" and have discovered a hope for something great/meaningful. One with no meaningful pursuits might have been seducing females(like girlfriends, classmates, strangers and maybe cousins), getting them pregnant, dumping them and looking for the next since the age of 15.(Which would satisfy my primal desires like sex drive and sadism) Quite empty, meaningless, and actually right opposite to meaningfulness, isn't it? Satisfying desires just for the sake of satisfaction is meaningless, it is a trap and chain created by human evolution. It is counter-productive. It leads me away from achieving my greater goals. The reason I want to get rid of many desires while leaving my thirst for power/control intact is it serves me well. It drives me forward when I'm tired, and it will help me achieve my greater goals: doing great contribution to fatherland and the world.

I think I'm displaying symptoms of both schizoid and ASPD, while some of my behaviors/thoughts indicate I have neither disorders. Guess I'm neither schizoid nor ASPD. I wonder what other disorders I have, maybe I'm just a sadistic Machiavellian neurotypical(or ADHD) with little to no affective empathy?(Still confused about if I have empathy.) I'm getting even more interested in myself.
Anyways I'll go to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed whether I'm schizoid or not. This won't involve much risk. :)
MaleHuman
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2019 3:13 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:51 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Antisocial Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: justonemoreperson, slither and 115 guests