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Am I being emotionally manipulated?

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Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby thelivinghell92 » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:43 pm

I find that in recent months, every time I speak to my grandmother, I come away feeling like I have done something wrong and I feel horribly guilty. She never specifically tells me I've done anything wrong but she has what I perceive as a disapproving, disappointed tone and a stern expression. I have to say I am actually fearful of her now and wouldn't dare ask if I've done something wrong.

I know this sounds rather pathetic, especially as I am a grown man (in my 20s) but I have high functioning autism so I'm not really like a typical adult, I'm still really like a teenager in my emotional development. Also, as you will see from my previous posts, I wonder if I am a narcissist or a sociopath (or at least have traits of these).

I find eye contact a great challenge and I find it very draining being around extrovert people who like to make lots of eye contact because it makes me feel obliged to look at them which makes me very uncomfortable. This applies to my grandmother who speaks to everyone in her neighbourhood and I am wondering if she is fed up with me because she mistakes my autism for disinterest or aloofness. But she has known about my autism for several years and I have explained to her I do not find eye contact easy, so I'm not so sure the reason for her dissatisfaction.

Basically, I want to know if it is my problem or if she is just being passive aggressive and manipulating me? I told my mum that my grandmother (her mother) drains me and makes me feel guilty but my mum said she doesn't feel drained when she sees her so this makes me think it's my problem. I would assume if my grandmother was a manipulator, it would effect everyone, not just me. But perhaps my mother denies her true feelings towards my grandmother because my dad in the past has said they have a "strange" relationship dynamic. Unfortunately, he is now dead so I no longer have him to confide in.

I hate this constant second guessing myself and not knowing whether I should really be feeling guilty when I don't know what I'm supposed to have done. I find myself oscillating between extreme guilt towards her and all out resentment towards her. Because my mother can't empathise with how I feel around my grandmother, I feel completely alone and don't know if I'm going crazy.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby Fool » Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:14 am

thelivinghell92 wrote:I find that in recent months, every time I speak to my grandmother, I come away feeling like I have done something wrong and I feel horribly guilty. She never specifically tells me I've done anything wrong but she has what I perceive as a disapproving, disappointed tone and a stern expression. I have to say I am actually fearful of her now and wouldn't dare ask if I've done something wrong.

I know this sounds rather pathetic, especially as I am a grown man (in my 20s) but I have high functioning autism so I'm not really like a typical adult, I'm still really like a teenager in my emotional development. Also, as you will see from my previous posts, I wonder if I am a narcissist or a sociopath (or at least have traits of these).

I find eye contact a great challenge and I find it very draining being around extrovert people who like to make lots of eye contact because it makes me feel obliged to look at them which makes me very uncomfortable. This applies to my grandmother who speaks to everyone in her neighbourhood and I am wondering if she is fed up with me because she mistakes my autism for disinterest or aloofness. But she has known about my autism for several years and I have explained to her I do not find eye contact easy, so I'm not so sure the reason for her dissatisfaction.

Basically, I want to know if it is my problem or if she is just being passive aggressive and manipulating me? I told my mum that my grandmother (her mother) drains me and makes me feel guilty but my mum said she doesn't feel drained when she sees her so this makes me think it's my problem. I would assume if my grandmother was a manipulator, it would effect everyone, not just me. But perhaps my mother denies her true feelings towards my grandmother because my dad in the past has said they have a "strange" relationship dynamic. Unfortunately, he is now dead so I no longer have him to confide in.

I hate this constant second guessing myself and not knowing whether I should really be feeling guilty when I don't know what I'm supposed to have done. I find myself oscillating between extreme guilt towards her and all out resentment towards her. Because my mother can't empathise with how I feel around my grandmother, I feel completely alone and don't know if I'm going crazy.


hello

ultimately it doesn't matter. your guilt is pointless and questioning whether you ought to feel it is probably an indicaiion that you shouldn't. if your grandmother speaks to everyone then it is likely that you are being emotionally influenced by someone who has spent years learning how to - not necessarily out of malice but simply out of habit. etraverted women in particular are almost expected to do this so i would simply spend your time with her on your terms and let her be as stern and disappointed. if you do not live with her i do not see why this should cause you any more distress - if she is fed up with you, you can do her a favor by not visiting, if she isn't, then there's no need to feel guilty for spending your socially awkward time with her.

on a semi related note - could you tell me about your mannerisms etc with people? can you go into detail about eye contact and specifically what annoys you about every day interactions? would you prefer to be left alone, even by people you see every day, or would you attempt to foster rapport?

are you naturally quiet or just a bit awkward? if you are awkward, does it bother you?

i am sorry if so many questions seem obnoxious i am just trying to understand hf autism and how to work with it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be1jJCH32OU
"Kindly let me help before you drown" said the monkey, lifting the fish into the tree.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby Greebo » Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:57 pm

In your position I’d screw up my courage and ask the question.

Some people are just a bit gruff, being in pain can make you grumpy etc etc

The only way you find out whether her behaviour is related to you is to ask.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby Manners73 » Fri Jan 25, 2019 5:13 pm

I don't think you are being manipulated.

What have you got to feel guilty about anyway?

If you've done nothing wrong then you shouldn't feel guilty.

I don't get it.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby thelivinghell92 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:37 pm

I believe I was just being paranoid due to my social anxiety. Today, I spoke to her and she was perfectly fine towards me. I think she has just been stressed recently due to family members being unwell. I tend to take people's bad moods personally and think it is something I've done.

I noticed in my original post I wrote that I feel guilty EVERY time I speak to her. I think I was falling into the thinking trap of "globalising", where I was only remembering the bad days I'd had with her. That is how my mind works. If I have a bad experience with someone, it sends me down a ridiculous negative spiral where I just start thinking everything has always been negative and everyone has always disliked me etc. Very difficult to see it isn't true when I'm stuck in that thinking cycle.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby thelivinghell92 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:53 pm

Fool wrote:on a semi related note - could you tell me about your mannerisms etc with people? can you go into detail about eye contact and specifically what annoys you about every day interactions? would you prefer to be left alone, even by people you see every day, or would you attempt to foster rapport?

are you naturally quiet or just a bit awkward? if you are awkward, does it bother you?

i am sorry if so many questions seem obnoxious i am just trying to understand hf autism and how to work with it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be1jJCH32OU


Basically, I find eye contact very uncomfortable. I get paranoid about people being able to read my thoughts by looking into my eyes and I get nervous I will have a bad thought and they will see it. I am aware how insane this sounds but I am not losing touch with reality. It is just an irrational intrusive thought I have as a result of my social anxiety/autism/OCD combo.

I never used to be quiet but after years of being bullied and rejected, I lost the confidence to be myself and I also lost the willingness to bother with other people. I am conflicted because sometimes when I get on well with someone, it reinvigorates a desire to be friendly and make an effort with them but because I so often mess up by sending off wrong non-verbal signals, I never get the chance to feel accepted for any real length of time so I continuously retreat into my shell and give up. Also, I find myself panicking after I get on well with someone because I anticipate them rejecting me again at any moment. It feels safer to not put myself out there because past experience has taught me that it usually ends badly. In a perverse way, I almost don't want to change or overcome this anxiety because I have got comfortable/used to the safety of hiding away at home and avoiding rejection.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby Brandon1 » Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:39 pm

thelivinghell92 wrote:I find eye contact a great challenge and I find it very draining being around extrovert people who like to make lots of eye contact because it makes me feel obliged to look at them which makes me very uncomfortable.

I laughed when I read this because I find it very relatable. I sometimes get spooked by prolonged eye contact and I can become irritable as well.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby solemnlysworn » Sun Feb 03, 2019 10:47 pm

I like eye contact. Feel like I have more control over others' actions when they are looking at me.

Do this for me
"No"
Hey... *wait for them to stop avoiding eye contact* do it
"Okay"

In less slapstick terms, I feel like it has more impact within the interaction too in winning someone over to what I want. Gives me instant feedback on their feeling which, in most circumstances, is really what I'm after. You cant be fully dynamic in an interaction without interplay in gaze. I like feeling the shifts.

In a similar way, if someone says no in text, being there and delivering it again in person works most of the time because they feel your presence which is really what eye contact is about.
Hello friend
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby Brandon1 » Sun Feb 03, 2019 10:57 pm

solemnlysworn wrote:I like eye contact.

To an extent, so do I.
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Re: Am I being emotionally manipulated?

Postby solemnlysworn » Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:00 pm

What's exhausting about it?
Hello friend
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