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Spectrum of #####&

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Spectrum of #####&

Postby ASPDADHDETC » Thu Nov 08, 2018 6:55 pm

Hi, Long time ASPD, ADHD, ASD, etc. haver, first time caller.

I have known for a very long time that I wasn't like everyone else. Typical things didn't interest me, and I was easily bored by typical topics and interests. I enjoyed power, biology, and learning how people thought. It was easy for me to fake emotions because I thought I had them but that I was able to turn them off when I didnt require their use. I began harming animals and peers quietly and because I am a female it was much easier to manipulate peers and adults into thinking I was just doing what a peer asked, or that the animal was injured from my trying to get them in the house or from another animal....

As I became a teenager, I was again blessed by being attractive and a woman. I had a male partner who was a homicide detective, and often he protected me from any criminal charges, even though I had stabbed people, beaten people and even broke into peoples homes, hog tied them and played with them for hours... I have never seen the inside of a cell.

Later in life I became a mother, and I only realized then that I had not ever loved or cared for anything. i have recently discovered that I may only love my child because they are an extension of me. I now feel a switch has taken place and that I do feel more emotional and less calculated than before. It is harder for me to switch the off button and be strategic about my actions.

I still feel the pressure and urges to hurt people and play but I can not. I am extremely good at masking. I am well respected in my community, politics, and social aspects though I have less interest in it now. I am a typical wealthy woman with typical children, soccer practice etc. but I often find myself daydreaming of things I can not share.... I find my sexual desire to harm pulses and I do not enjoy BDSM as much as I'd like to ... I do work out which helps with the physical release a bit but my urge for the unmentionable things is hard.

Parenting with all of this as well is challenging and I want to do the best for my children because I do love them. I am not sure where that leaves me, I would love to connect with others like me anonymously of course. What has worked for you ? What is your story ?
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:41 pm

Even if you have a partner who is in the police force, I highly doubt he could protect you if you were caught stabbing someone, beating them or hog tying them down and playing with them on multiple occasions.

The only way I could see that working is if you were not caught and his involvement was somehow subduing the cases you were involved in. It seems a bit Hollywood to be honest. At least to the extent your wording is making it out to be.

And it's amazing how nearly everyone here claims to be attractive and highly successful.

I am not trying to insinuate that you are entirely fibbing but a lot of the time, in general, it feels like people on this forum tend to embellish the truth which I suppose is understandable considering it is a mental health forum.

I'm having a problem holding my tongue today.

Snappiness aside, do you also have a comorbidity with BPD? I think I remember you posting on the BPD forum. If so, welcome fellow mixed PD :).
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

What you do matters more than what you think
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby Dandy » Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:07 pm

Omg we have so much in common and many parallels! Biology, interest in learning about people, kids - though I'm parkour mom, looking to escort animals out of the house.
But none of the power lust, not having feelings, or having such thoughts or urges of hurting or harming anyone or any living thing rings a bell.

Not bff material after all. Sorry.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes"

DX: BP2, PTSD
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby ASPDADHDETC » Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:18 pm

Sorry, I should have specified.

I was never caught committing any crime except for one which was minor and he did help by persuading the victims to let it go because those sorts of things take years and would have massive negative impacts on them and that the I was just a sad person from a broken home.

I wouldn't say I am the most attractive person. I am a sliver above average ? and again being a woman not getting caught has been so much easier... again the successful thing, I am not claiming to be Kanye West. I just do not have to worry about money.

I won't lie though sometimes my girl dick gets a bit hard for myself and I pretend I am Beyonce haha

I do see myself somewhere on the BPD spectrum which is why my ASPD isnt completely out of control. Im not out murdering people... just day dreaming about it :P

I''d love to hear about how you are coping in this NT world and masking... Some days I find it exhausting and I just want to be free to be myself which makes me feel not so ASPD but again its the art of all of this... because of all of my co-morbids, I feel like I dont really fit anywhere...
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby xcagedsilhouttex » Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:29 pm

Ah. That seems more realistic. Thanks for specifying.

I don't think the attractiveness statement was specifically aimed at you. I think it's just the second time today a member brought it up and statistically we cannot all be aesthetically pleasing and successful.

I will reply properly later. I have a blinding headache right now.
dx: Mixed Personality Disorder (F61)
Anorexia Nervosa (F50)
Substance Abuse (F11)

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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby solemnlysworn » Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:35 pm

It’s fairly normal that self assessments are above average in looks and intellect
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby ASPDADHDETC » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:14 pm

Agreed.
Again I think it's easier because I am a woman, I mean I am not a super model or a video hoe.
but i have had a boob job, etc. so things are more aesthetically pleasing and the BPD makes me care a great deal about my own appearance. I work out ( cardio and 5 day split) I intermittent fast and count macros. I have botox, lip injections, hair extensions, eye lash extensions... you get it.

As a kid I was attractive enough but the added "crazy" made men love me, and women feel bad for me. which again made my life easier.

I would say being a woman and playing the sweet, helpless, or crazy one has been critical in my not being caught. I honestly feel like men with ASPD have little to no chance doing the same things I have.

Again lady dick erection for myself.. it comes in waves.. bare with me :P
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby solemnlysworn » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:17 pm

You sound awful
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby ASPDADHDETC » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:20 pm

I am.
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Re: Spectrum of #####&

Postby solemnlysworn » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:21 pm

:)
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