refeeding and i hate me , advice

i wrote a post over an hour opening up and going into detail and went to submit but lost it all .

so___i want to die . i 'm crying . i 've been in in the hospital for five months . my weight increased by 1 /4 of my beginning weight in a month after i stopped fighting them . sorry if that 's too much detail ,i 'm worthless

but i don 't feel ready . it 's my second time going through this . i tell my self this is my break to slut on food and then return to my anorexia . my relationship w/eating is still bad . i miss my height in sickness

my family said they 'd never again pay for therapy or eating disorder facilities because i don 't get better . so i said [ to mom]then i 'll go until i 'm dead etc . if they don 't want to help me
idk
i 'm losing my self

feeling like better is being unhappy but that 's ed thinking . this thread has no direction i need advice ? i 'm off-track