Mine started through a multitude of things
so i started smoking a lot of weed and couldn't eat when I wasn't high and it made my metabolism sky high so i had all the benefits of eating without gaining weight, me and my partner were also broke and didn't eat a lot of meals anyway. I was always slightly overweight being 5'2 I noticed it way more.
when the weight slipped off me I noticed how my face had changed and i had a nice body shape and thigh gap ( i never aimed for these but got it was a relief buying tiny jeans where my thights didn't rub together in the summer )
After that i moved with my boyfriend and we became severely pressured by jobs, visas etc so then i lost more weight and smoked more weed. I got used to the new me, with a jawline, cheekbones, skinny arms (oh the skinny arms i loved too) and it made me feel more spiritual in a way, lighter and leaner was something i loved.
I started at around *mod edit* pounds and my skinniest I was *mod edit*.
I then began singing, dyed my hair into a cute blonde bob and suddenly everyone noticed me - i became the it girl.
I would noticed the small differences when i would binge for a couple weeks so my face got less defined , my arms chubbier my thighs jiggled a bit again and i hated it i felt like i was carrrying this extra mass that tied me down.
Since then I guess ive become addicted to mainting this petit frame, about a size 0- 4 i range depending if i purge. i gave up weed too.
I can't see myself ever letting myself get to a completely healthy weight or being how i was before because my whole life, identity, music how people view me is this petit blonde.
dont get me wrong i love food its great, but for me once i start i can't stop and then one day i wake up gained weight (6 lbs maybe?) and decide to lose it again.
I am aware im hurting my body but that feeling isnt stronger than wanting to look and feel a certain way.
At first when I lost a load of weight and started seeing my chest bones i got worried, but now that's my goal, if i can't see bones i know i ###$ up.
and im sure people look at me in disgust , to some people im not too skinny at all, but for me it's like if you think im a skeleton it isn't a bad thing.
im not trying to encourage anyone to do this or smoke for those reasons because i never intended on this.
you know i can wear any clothes, i can turn heads, i'm not sickly looking and my weight isn't at the point where i dont have any body fat. but im very very slim & it's honestly part of my identity.
why would i want to return to being the fat brunette girl who never got looked at?
it's hard but for me it's slowly turned into me wanting to be this barbie figure because before I never was.
Anorexia is complex & people think by telling u youre too skinny it will stop you but it's the complete opposite, and also telling them to eat won't make them.
I dont think i would ever let myself to a degree of anorexia as i see eugenia cooney

but i definitely have it. i think theres degrees like with any health problem.